Last night, as I was lying in bed, trying to fall asleep (for two goddamn hours!), I felt as if I had come to some sort of end. End of dreams, end of hope, end of everything. And I wasn’t even in the deep dark hole of depression, or maybe I was (am), but it has lured me into its arms to gently that I don’t even know I’m there.
I felt that it was never going to end, this constant state of ennui and stress. That things weren’t ever going to get better. That I will live this life, alone, struggling to survive financially, living on handouts from my family and charities, never get a job, never really amount to anything, other than being a mother to my boys.
And I was lying there, at the of this rope that tethers me in place, but I wasn’t struggling, I could still breathe. I stood there and looked at the world around me, a world I will never really take part in, because it’s a world made for couples and groups of friends and people with more money than just enough to pay rent and buy food. (I can’t even keep up with my utilities’ bills.)
And I just accepted it. That it wasn’t for me. That my life was to remain small and confined to these four walls. That great things will never happen.
And I felt sad, but not distraught.
I guess I can live like this, because I have for the past four years. All the good things have already happened and now it’s time to just exist. To let time pass. To watch my children grow and do what I can to send them on their way. I hope they can have good lives, despite me not being able to provide them with more than the basics. I don’t know if and how they will manage to go to university, because I can’t afford to support them, if they do.
I feel so helpless. I’ve been trying for four years to make it, to change our lives, but now it feels like it’s over. Nothing I’ve done has made a lasting difference and I no longer know what to do. I will continue to apply for jobs, because Centrelink makes me, but I have stopped believing that I can actually get one. My skills, my experience mean nothing. I feel like I’ve aged out of the job market and there is no hope. Applying for job after job, spending two hours on each application and then never hearing from the employer or receiving a brief email telling me that I wasn’t successful, is just so disheartening. Especially after four years.
Some people will say that I’m not “hungry” enough. That I should try harder. That I should follow up with those employers and find out why they didn’t want me. That I should hound employment agencies and just keep trying. I don’t know how to explain to you that I just can’t. I feel so heavy, as if a large boulder was on my shoulders and I just can’t move. I feel flattened by it, barely able to function day to day to (barely) maintain the house and feed my children. Yes, I should see my psychologist and I’m in the process of getting a new mental health plan from my GP, who’s on leave right now. These are the things I know to do to keep going. I will keep persisting to get through each day and each year, but the goodness seems to have been sucked out of my life for now.
People say that “what you resist, persists”. Well, I’ve stopped resisting. Life is just crap and there’s nothing I can do about it. I look back at my past and I am grateful that I’ve had those good times, but I can see that it’s over now. It’s time to accept the mundane and ordinary. Maybe I can find my way back to finding joy in the ordinary; I know I’ve been able to in the past.
So, for now, I stand here, at end of my rope and look out at the marvelous lives other people are having elsewhere and without me and I wonder what, or who, exactly is holding the other end of my rope?
I could have written this myself. Lost my job 4 years ago. Tried for over 2 years to get a job then just gave up. Struggling financially. Finally gave up my hairdresser I’ve been seeing for 20 years. Went somewhere cheap yesterday and couldn’t wait to get outa there. Hated it, sat in car and cried. Have had to give up so much cos I can’t afford it anymore. My lifestyle is going down the tubes. I have nothing to look forward to in the future. No partner, no kids, a family that act like I’m a total loser (which I feel like anyway). They’re just being nice enough that they stay in my will. Too gutless to take action. My luck I’d end up having my sister left looking after me. It’d be like that movie “Whatever happened to Baby Jane”. I’d be Joan Crawford getting the rat for dinner!!! I try to be upbeat when I see people so they don’t realise I’m in a bad place. Wine helps!
Hope things look up for you. You have your kids so you won’t be alone. Sorry to write such a downer comment but not often it can say what I feel.
I get this. I have lost my career and so many friends, family members, and I struggle. I don’t even feel left out of life anymore in terms of relationships, because my sensory problems are so huge that they have taken away so much more than just relationships. they have taken away any sense of real life. and if I try to explain it to people, sometimes I just offend them even though they were the ones who were offending me. I know to someone without sensory problems, you won’t really understand this. I’m just trying to say I get this feeling of being somehow on the outside looking in. but I want to point something out to you. part of the reason this is happening is because your sociopath sabotaged your life. HE did this, somehow, and you may not even know how. they can be so incredibly subtle and sneaky. there is a force of evil working through them, which did this to you. and if you lay down and give up now, you let that win. no matter what, you have to stand up to it. you have to say to that evil force, YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME. no matter if there is nothing left, I will stand up to you and name you. know that you are on the side of good, and live there, and be aligned with the light. that is why the evil stalks you. don’t let it win.
I was in a terrible place, so depressed, and I did this, I aligned with the light, I asked for its protection. my sociopath ex died of cancer, I got the life insurance, and my life has turned around. I am still on the outside looking in, but mostly I like my outside and would rather stay here. you never know how your life might change for the better. you just have to keep believing in yourself. maybe the greatest thing you will offer the world is the love you give your boys, but never underestimate that. a mother’s love can make or break a person, it’s one of the most powerful forces of nature.
the other end of the rope? it is the light, by whatever name you want to call it.
I here you. Sounds very much like my life only instead of 4 years, it’s been 15. And, I’m ok. There were many times where I cried myself to sleep, feeling like I’d failed and that life had passed me by, and that all I had were the memories and my kids. Every.single.day was an endless struggle. Borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, spending hours pacing the house begging the creditors to give me a break. Watching the happy couples, and wishing I was one of them… But eventually all of the happy couples around me fell apart – yes, all.of.them. I realised that so many of them were just a facade of happiness, that underneath they longed to be single like me. I looked for jobs endlessly and found myself ‘unemployable’ because I had dared to take 10 years out of the workforce to raise my children while i was still married. In the meantime my health had deteriorated and eventually I had to accept that I would never work for an employer in a full-time capacity. But you know what, when I read what you wrote I actually feel excited for you, because it was when I got to that place of acceptance and I no longer fought against the current, that my life began to change. Not in outwardly obvious ways, but I began to find the joy in the little things, I began to think differently and gave up on finding someone to make me happy. I returned to study – I now have about 14 years of tertiary studies under my belt and not one full degree, but do I care? Nope, I’ve learned a lot, I’ve found what floats my boat and what doesn’t and I’ve realised that I don’t want to be like everyone else and I am genuinely happy. You don’t need university education, you don’t need to even finish school, you don’t need a lot of material stuff, you just need love and laughter and family and if you have that, you are rich beyond words.
Gahhh how do I edit it – I meant to say ‘hear you’ 😀
I hear you on the job thing, Dorothy. I hear you xx
Dorothy, I will be thinking of you every day. I am glad to see you writing again; even if you don’t think that’s a big deal, it is. I am in the midst of my own nightmare and echo so, so much of what you have written. But, onward. I agree with DEW above: you cannot let that evil win. You have strength in you. One of my favorite quotes (and I know they can be cliched but sometimes they help) is from Eleanor Roosevelt: “In the long run, there is no more liberating, no more exhilarating experience, than to determine one’s position,state it bravely, and then act boldly. Action brings with it its own courage, its own energy, a growth of self-confidence that can be acquired in no other way.” She was right–it is often by doing something that we realize we are capable of it. So you keep doing, every day. Even if it’s something small, like writing. Like loving your boys.
And I am going to go start my divorce proceedings. Because I know that is the right thing to do. And it is time for me to have courage and act boldly. For myself and for my children.
Thanks, Elle. Things get better some days and worse on others. Good luck with your divorce. Hope you are free soon.
Have you ever thought about being a sex worker?
Biggest downsides- somewhat ostracizing, hard to have a relationship. Doesn’t sound like a huge downside for you, it wasn’t for me. 🙂 Biggest upsides- money and completely open schedule. Speaking as a single mom, with no family help, also struggling with anxiety and depression, it can be a real god send. If you start off thinking men are wonderful, you’ll lose faith in them. But…if you start off thinking they’re all pretty garbage, you can be really pleasantly surprised.
You seem really kind and understanding and have a really friendly smile. Young, tight bodied girls make the biggest bucks, of course, but there’s plenty room for us pleasant enough looking “older” ladies. 🙂
I’m not recruiting or anything, and I super sincerely hope I haven’t insulted you, I just know EXACTLY what this post feels like. You can google for info, but the most helpful for me has been saafe dot info. It’s UK based, but I’m in the US and found it super helpful. An interesting peek at other people’s lives on a lonely evening, if nothing else.
P.S. I’ll be the first to admit it’s demeaning, but for me, WAY less heartbreaking than collapsing to the floor in tears when you come home and realize the power has been shut off…again. Or having my six year old daughter attempt to make herself a “cake” with only flour…because that’s all we had.
And again, sooooooooooo very sorry if this offended you.
Not offended. Amused. And no, I’d rather live in my parents’ living room.