Does anyone really want to read another post about my depression?
Basically, it just sits there. It’s a great big black hole with a bog at the bottom. I get stuck in that bog and can’t move. There are voices in there, telling me how useless I am and what a bad mother I am. The “S” word flutters by around my ears incessantly like a fly. Bzzz, bzzzz, bzzzz…. It knows it can’t get a hold on me, but that doesn’t stop it from buzzing around.
I get things done by sheer force of will. I force myself out of bed, into the shower, into clothes, to the kitchen, etc. I just get things done. I was always famous at work for getting things done. There is dinner on the table every night, my children have clean clothes and they haven’t turned feral.
Sometimes I worry that I leave them to their own devices too much, but maybe that’s not such a bad thing. They are learning to rely on each other and they always know that I’m there when they really need me.
Or maybe that’s how I’m rationalising it?
Still, I believe that as long as they haven’t turned feral, I am doing enough.
So I sit here at the bottom of this hole, mostly numb, looking at the circle of sky above me, wondering if I will ever see the light of day again. Other people are going about their lives, enjoying themselves, why can’t I?
I don’t think I’ve had a real break from the depression for more than a day or two for at least three years. Even when my mood is OK, it is an OK that is much lower than most people’s OK. I’ve done mood charts and the best that I have ever felt in the recent past would be a 6 out of 10.
My creativity has vanished. Writing is hard, the words just don’t flow the way I know they can.
Anything to do with food is a pain. Thinking about it, preparing it, eating it. Dealing with children not eating it. Just a great big hassle. I read about how most food is bad for us and I lose even more interest. It seems unless you’re eating raw vegan food, you are filling yourself with nasty chemicals and harmful substances. I just can’t be bothered.
I read. I watch TV. I look at the computer. I do the bare minimum when it comes to housework. I sleep.
I saw my new psychologist today. He seems really switched on. He’s the first male therapist I’ve had in a while. I have hope that he can help me.
Come over and see what others are saying.