I nearly bought these today. Maybe not exactly these, but very similar. They were beautiful. They had one carat of diamonds between them. Would have matched my other (smaller) pair very nicely. The saleswoman was even going to sell them to me at the sale price, even though the sale hadn’t started yet.
As I stood there chatting with the saleswoman I felt so completely confident and entitled to those earrings. Noone else is ever going to buy me something like this – I thought. Why shouldn’t I have these beautiful things?
In the end I walked away. But I was this close….. Only knowing that I still had to pay for the removalists out of my house deposit money stopped me.
Later, as I sat in a cafe with my lunch, checking my social media feed on the phone (as you do) and looking out into the cold day through the glass walls of the cafe, enormous sadness welled up from within me.
Yes, it is a hugely generalising statement and I know cannot foretell the future, but, at that moment, there was such a huge well of pain inside me.
And I realised that the earrings represented love, a big love, and that I really cannot buy me love, no matter how much I spend, no matter what beautiful things I buy. It still won’t help me feel loved.
It has been such a long time since anyone has loved me, for me. Not because I’m their daughter, sister, mother. Just because I’m me. I can’t even be sure if my ex ever loved me. So maybe I haven’t been loved since my university days? I felt loved then… But I could second guess even that and question every single love I ever had.
Yes, I know that being loved by others is not the answer to feeling loved. “To find love, you must be love.” You have to love yourself. Show love to others. Things I’m not terribly good at. But I’m working on them. And as beautiful as those earrings are, I know they would not make me feel loved. Not for long, anyway.
What about you? Do you feel loved? Truly loved for who you are, rather than what you are? Have you learnt how to love yourself? I’d love to hear your stories…
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