Some people just don’t get it – a marriage is not a see-saw of commitment, here today, maybe gone tomorrow. I like you now, but tomorrow I might not, so I might just go again. You take the good with the bad. Once you decide to commit, you stay committed, unless you both agree that it is not working.
You don’t get to come and go as you please, depending on your mood, the weather, your sore foot.
You don’t go on holidays from marriage, or weekends away. You commit your body and soul to that one person and that means working through the hard times because you love them. If you love them. If you respect them. If you trust them. If you’re honest with them. If you have no second thoughts. Or doubts. Or think you might…. You might feel that way about a job, a course, a hobby, but not marriage. Not when you go into it, or when you want to come back into it….
It is about being together, working together, loving together, trusting together, sharing a life, being able to lean on each other. Not having secrets. Not being afraid of showing your dark side. Accepting your own dark side. Not hiding in a corner like a naughty child in case he is discovered. Or putting on a mask to hide behind so no-one can see your true self.
Especially not finding someone else to confide in, to lean on, to replace the person you married as soon as she’s out of the picture for a day or two… I would never behave like that. And I am not a saint. I just have integrity. I deserve to be treated better.
I’ve done my share of bad, but to me, marriage meant the end of that. It meant being able to relax, to be me, not to play games, not to hide. To trust.
I am disappointed that I was let down. That the man I married crumpled as soon as I lost my own confidence and ability to cope. That he was not there for me. That he lied. And lied, and lied. To me, to others and most of all to himself. He does not know who he is. He probably doesn’t want to, because it scares him. He doesn’t understand the depths of his own self.
And he doesn’t want to understand or accept the depths to which he has hurt me. And if he did, he would still have absolutely no idea what to do about it.
I want to be with someone who is an adult. A capable adult, able to take care of himself and his family. To have views and opinions and ideas. To be strong, effective and practical. To be loving, supportive and tender. To understand me, how my mind works, what I need. How I need to be loved. To be emotionally mature and spiritually aware. To be confident and articulate, not afraid to take risks and who knows what he wants. Someone who is able to keep his promises. Someone who can make things happen, who does not need to be lead by the hand or a leash.
This is my request to the universe. I have asked and now I shall wait for him to manifest himself from Source. Because I know that he is already there, waiting.
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