I am exhausted. My cup is empty. The camel’s back is broken. I can’t be yet another thing to my children, but the roles keep piling on.
As a parent, the job is never-ending, its boundaries ever expanding and you don’t get to walk away (or do you?).
My reserves are gone and I have nothing left to give. A parent without empathy is a pretty useless thing, but that’s what I am right now. My new psychologist suggested a few things I could do, but I don’t think I can even do those. Anything I say to my children is met with resentment and considered “nagging”. The joy of teenagers.
They want you to fix everything for them, but when you try to give suggestions they refuse to listen because they know better. Or cry in frustration.
They are so different to me at those ages in some respects and in others so similar. They are so lucky to have me as a parent, and so unlucky, too. I can’t give them everything they need, everything I feel I ought to be able to give and they resent me for it. Hell, I resent myself for it. I can’t fix all their problems, but when I point them in the right direction, they don’t listen. They don’t take my advice, but I guess no teenager ever does.
Each one has their own psychologist now, something I wish I had had at their ages, so I guess that’s a plus for me. How much use they’re making of them, I’m not sure, but it’s a start.
I wonder if the parenting drama ever ends. Does it stop weighing you down when they leave home? Get married? Have children? Become completely independent? It’s been soul-crushing for me at times. Always feeling like I’m not enough. The responsibility of being their everything has weighed heavily on me for over 10 years.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I never had kids. I can’t even imagine it. I desperately wanted children. I had no idea I would be parenting them alone. That was a curveball that destroyed everything.
I need a lifeline. I don’t know what that looks like. Maybe a Tattslotto win to at least make our finances easier?
My body feels like it’s made of lead. So heavy. My eyelids are hard to keep open. I get through each day fulfilling other people’s expectations of me. Work, appointments, job applications, cooking meals.
I feel so done.
I took these pictures of lilac flowers on a walk last week.
I’m meant to be doing 3 walks a week. I only managed 2 last week. None so far this week – it’s been raining and cold. Spring comes and goes. We had some very heavy rain yesterday – good for the gardens and farms, not so good for walks.
The house is still and quiet for now. I need to write a quote for a potential client. And then they’ll be home and the parenting drama will kick off once more. There is more schoolwork that is overdue and we will argue about when it will get done and how he doesn’t know how to do it and how nothing he does is ever good enough. But of course, he has never actually asked for help. And I will tell them both they need to uninstall all games from their laptops and there will be more arguing and I will go hide in bed.
Tell me it eventually ends?