I used to think they were. I would pour my heart and soul into Facebook statuses and I would get real conversation, but these days there are only crickets.
It didn’t used to be this way. When I first joined Facebook I only added people I actually knew and I saw those quite a lot, so my communication with them was face to face. I rarely put anything of import on it, because those who cared would already know what was going on.
When my marriage ended I was too ashamed to talk to anyone about it. It felt like a personal failure, a character flaw. So I began a blog. It was really an attempt to reconnect with my then husband and to tell my friends what was going on in my head, because it was too painful to do in person. Since then, I’ve used Facebook as a friend substitute, especially as IRL friends moved away and communication in person became too hard. As our kids got older and they went back to work, it became harder and harder to have personal contact.
Not that I really tend to open up much to people. The only people I’ve been really open with are my therapists, my ex and friends I met through my PND journey. It’s as if I’m afraid to show any cracks in the facade, show my weaknesses and faults. I began covering up who I really was in niceties, after years of being called a bitch and a hard woman by people who knew me. I’ve become bland to the point of non-existence. If I really am an Aspie, this is very typical behaviour for women with ASD – we mimic others in order to fit in. We learn not to show the more “diffiicult” parts of ourselves so that we are accepted by society and that’s why so many women are never diagnosed.
When I don’t pour my heart out on this blog, I tend to use Facebook as an outlet, but it is a very disheartening one. Most people use it as a highlights reel to record the good moments in life only and they stay clear of anyone who dares to post something different. Most people probably aren’t as attached to Facebook as their main means of communication as I am. Most of my “friends” are too busy for face to face catch ups. My sister is too busy with her life and my parents have never been able to provide me with any emotional support. I don’t like talking on the phone and really don’t know what to say in the moment. Being introverted and shy makes talking to people really hard. It is so much easier to let my fingers do the talking, whether it’s here or on Facebook. Sometimes, I don’t know what I want to say, or how I’m feeling, until the words appear on the screen.
And you know those times during the day, that you just want to share with someone? You know, the small little things, good and bad. funny and sad. Being home alone all day means I don’t have anyone to share these with.
Sometimes I wonder if I really matter to anyone apart from my children. My life feels so insignificant and small. It used to be so much bigger. I used to do yoga regularly, make mosaics, learn belly dancing, garden and even made a quilt once. I do nothing now. My days are filled with the occasional attempt at running, keeping my family fed and keeping the house somewhat clean. In the evenings I watch Netflix or Stan and crochet.
I am bored with myself, but I don’t have the energy or motivation to do anything more. It is probably the depression and my psychologist and I do have a plan for trying to bust through the block that is keeping me locked away from myself, but in the meantime, it feels like a slow death.
I went to a funeral today. My friend, she was so loved. She gave so much to everyone around her. She gave so much to me. And I can barely give enough of myself to my children. Depression – she is a sly and vengeful beast. She attacks you by stealth, disguising herself as other things and before you know it, she is on top of you, with her fangs bared, dripping with venom, ready to bite into your jugular. I don’t know if I can ever beat her. I don’t know if I can even keep her at bay.
So, Facebook friends, I know now that you’re not real. I know that you’re too busy to find time for me, whether to talk to me online, or meet me for coffee. I know your lives are busy. I guess it’s my fault mine isn’t, but depression and poverty will do that to you.
I don’t know why I can’t make my life work properly. I never really had to try very hard, things just had a way of falling into place. They just haven’t for the last four years.
Actually, that’s a lie. Things didn’t just fall into place. I worked hard at lining things up so that they would fall as they were meant to. But these days hard work just doesn’t seem to be enough.
Maybe I will blog more, now that I know Facebook isn’t real. Maybe I will stop second guessing myself about being too depressing, too sad and too boring. I guess you will either read or you won’t. But at least I will have said what I need to say.
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Some Facebook friends are real, some are not. At least that is my experience. I know a lot of my friends are going through really tough times and I know you are too. When I read your posts I understand that despite all the tools and coping strategies – although you are doing your damnest to overcome obstacles and get through each day it is still not enough to defeat depression. I hear your frustration and I have some insight in to your ups and downs. Not every one has your courage and can still turn their face to the sun, put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Maybe your Polish heritage is getting you through. Maybe sitting every night in front of tv crocheting is enough for now. My nature is to look for a good side, a positive quite often in an annoying and naive way sometimes so I hope this doesn’t sound trite. I know you have investigated, researched and put a lot of energy in to tackling depression and trying everything like exercise, supplements, nature, art , meditation etc . Single parenting is nothing I know about. Gloomy winters don’t help either. I hope the moments of joy and some relief increase for you and you have less sadness. 🌻
Thanks, Marian. You’re right. Some friends are real. Some are not. And yes, it feels like I’ve been on this long journey through all the treatments and strategies, but the thing with depression is that when you most need the strategies, you feel the least like doing them. Although I find that getting out of the house for a walk or run, or doing my nails, help me just a little bit. Enough to get through the day.
Keep writing! You express yourself wonderfully in the written word. That is a talent! I hope life feels lighter for you very soon. Yoga has helped me find me again. I have only made it to a class once this year but have kept up a weekly home practice. And it certainly helps. Elisa xx
Thank you. Yes, I need to keep writing. It was such a great outlet for me once, I really need to just get in there and write.
Social media is a funny beast. I feel like I’m on it all the time but I’ve gotten to a point where I check in to my blog FB page, post a few photos and then hang out in the photography groups I’m in and can’t handle anything else. I used to spend so much time interacting with friends and family on there but not anymore. I had a pretty rough time last year and I guess I still feel closed off from things and like I don’t have the energy to spend on anything but my photography groups and the bare minimum effort to keep my FB page going (which is not great considering I need to be using it more to market my business and get work!). I have so many “friends” on FB, and yet I only seem to see the same 3 or 4 people’s posts every day, probably because I stopped interacting with anyone. I find IG is where I spend a lot of time these days because I enjoy being able to look at beautiful photography that inspires me and then go out and shoot a bit myself. It’s really hard when you’re stuck in that depression cycle because you know the things that will help make it better or make you feel better but you just literally can’t bring yourself to do those things because of the depression. That voice inside your head keeps telling you that you are worthless and it’s a really hard voice to escape. It’s so damn hard. I really hope you’re able to find something that helps lift you, blogging is a good way to start xx