Somebody who continually gushes about wanting to help women feel better about themselves and find a safe space to talk, somebody who makes an incredibly rude response on Facebook to a seemingly innocuous comment, a comment that you find insulting and hurtful. Somebody who emails you to apparently apologise, while maintaining her sense of superiority, in terms of her intelligence and the contribution that they are making to the world, and leaves you feeling even more hurt and insulted. Somebody like that ceases to be a woman you admire and becomes someone you want out of your life, together with all the other toxic influences.
It is very hard for me to find kindred spirits and while for a brief moment I imagined that she might be one, that feeling did not last long. Still, she remained someone I admired for her drive and honesty, even if I did not agree with everything she said. I admired her story and her sense of humour, but I did not admire the way she continually espoused the greatness of her cause and dreams, as if somehow they were more worthy than the simple dreams of most of her followers.
Surviving each day with sanity and providing enriching experiences for my children are my dreams. I dream of changing the world through my own behaviour and through the men my children will grow up to be.
These are simple, yet no less important than the dreams of others, big or small.
I don’t think it helps anyone to be reminded how small their dreams are and that they really should be aiming for something greater. Ending world hunger and poverty, maybe.
I am realistic about how the world works. I am realistic about my capabilities in light of my mental health. I do not dream dreams beyond my own reality. I believe we change the world together, by dreaming small dreams that add up to those great ones that will eventually come to life. I believe in connection between people and in developing common realities, by sharing goals and beliefs.
My view of the world is no less worthy than anyone else’s.
I am disappointed, not just hurt. Yet, had I listened to my intuition, I would have left that person behind a year ago, when I first began to see them differently.
There is an emptiness in my soul and a lingering sense of pain. To see someone behave in a manner so contradictory to the values they espouse was distressing.
My skin is thin and my trust not given lightly. Now I have another reason to keep myself to myself.
Perhaps the real me only lives here?
What about you? Has someone you admired ever fallen off their pedestal? How did you feel?
Image by Tim Green from here