Every now and again, the enormity of what I and the kids have been through hits me all over again, like a fist in the stomach, leaving me breathless. And terrified about the future….
I saw my solicitor today, to counter-sign the court orders finalising my post-divorce financial and custody arrangements. I spent a mad half hour before leaving home searching for my marriage certificate, which was also needed, and even looking at the bloody thing, in its envelope, put a lump in my throat.
I’m so over this. If only there was a way to erase the last eighteen years….
I think most of the sadness I feel is on behalf of my children. My older son says his father is dead and the younger one continues to talk about him as if he only saw him yesterday. I do the best I can. I give them facts. I try not to get emotional.
Other times, I do get very emotional, often when the task ahead seems overwhelming. I never signed up to do any of this alone. Yes, I’ve proven that I can do it and do it really well, but this wasn’t my choice.
Last time this happened, I realised that I needed help. I realised that my depression was deepening due to the increasing anxiety. The simplest of tasks became waaaay too hard. So I asked for help. Help with finding a new home and moving, and help with figuring out the direction of my business – whatever that might be. I have a feeling that I’m in business, but no clear direction about what I’m doing.
I am excited, yet scared about what the future might hold. I keep telling myself to focus on the present, on the task at hand.
Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes just being here, next to my children, eating hot dogs, is the best I can do. And that has to be enough….
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