This time, that hasn’t happened. We’ve been busy getting out and about these holidays, but everything is a struggle. I am bone weary and heartsick. Whenever I stop my mind and let it be, I feel overwhelmed by the sadness. I feel tears just behind my eyelids, so I open my eyes and get busy with anything I can.
I spend my days attached to the computer, seeking distraction. I can’t help it – it gets me out of my head.
The only things waiting for me in the real world are various household tasks involving dust. I engage with my children only when I must, I keep them company when they need me, but I’m not really there. Their chatter annoys me, their questions grate on my brain.
I am wallowing in something. Possibly self-pity, possibly depression, maybe even fear. I am tired of being alone, of not having enough money, of being overweight. I have no energy to do anything about any of it.
I often question my blogging and my lack of upbeat, positive content. Whenever I write about me, it mostly seems negative and sad. Am I incapable of writing about happy? Or maybe there just isn’t any happy in my life?
People will advise me to practice gratitude and appreciation. It is hard, when getting up in the morning is a struggle and going to bed at night fills me with dread about the following day.
Yet, I allow myself moments, every night before I fall asleep, to feel grateful for my warm comfortable bed, for the roof over my head, for my healthy and well behaved children. These moments serve to calm me for the night and make sleep easier.
I have a lot to be grateful for. There is also a lot that fills me with sadness. The depression is winning for now.
Image by Nebojsa Mladjenovic from here.