After all these years, I still hate you.
I hate that you are so imprinted on my psyche that it inserts you, without my knowledge, or permission, into my dreams.
I hate that these dreams are so often humiliating, making me relive the rejection over and over again.
I hate that sometimes they’re perfectly ordinary dreams, but you’re still in them, playing the role you played for so long in real life. Except that, neither in real life, nor in the dreams, I have no idea you are just playing.
I hate that my mind puts you into my ordinary dreams, in an ordinary role, as if you were just an ordinary person, rather than the gross, repulsive excuse for a human being I know you for.
I hate that despite years of therapy I haven’t been able to exorcise you from my head.
I hate that I still hate you.
I want to feel nothing in the spot you still occupy. I want to be free of the humiliation, bitterness and resentment.
Why can’t I erase you from my mind so I could finally be at peace?
I’m told that I shouldn’t give you the power that you still have over me. But nobody seems able to tell me how to do that.
Maybe it’s not you that I hate, but what you did to me. What you took away from me. My comfortable middle class life, with a house and garden and two cars and bills always paid on time.
I hate struggling for money.
I hate desperation and where it takes me.
I lay the blame for all my ills squarely at your feet.
At the same time, you are the cause of my strength. Because of you, because of the humiliation that I suffered again and again, I have never been stronger. Even this, even this pile of shit I am currently living, I will survive. I will keep going through this hell. I won’t be like you. I won’t bring humiliation and grief to others, especially not to my children. I may be strong because of what you did to me, but they are strong because of me. Because I never gave up. Because I have always been there for them. I didn’t run away and fuck up my life without regard for others. I am a rock. The strongest, biggest rock they will ever have.
And you? To them, you are nothing. You are a pebble that once existed and then rolled away without a trace. This too, they will remember.
Also published on Medium.