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I am a rock

18 April 2018 By Dorothy 11 Comments

A blog of her own - I am a rock

After all these years, I still hate you.

I hate that you are so imprinted on my psyche that it inserts you, without my knowledge, or permission, into my dreams.

I hate that these dreams are so often humiliating, making me relive the rejection over and over again.

I hate that sometimes they’re perfectly ordinary dreams, but you’re still in them, playing the role you played for so long in real life. Except that, neither in real life, nor in the dreams, I have no idea you are just playing.

I hate that my mind puts you into my ordinary dreams, in an ordinary role, as if you were just an ordinary person, rather than the gross, repulsive excuse for a human being I know you for.

I hate that despite years of therapy I haven’t been able to exorcise you from my head.

I hate that I still hate you.

I want to feel nothing in the spot you still occupy. I want to be free of the humiliation, bitterness and resentment.

Why can’t I erase you from my mind so I could finally be at peace?

I’m told that I shouldn’t give you the power that you still have over me. But nobody seems able to tell me how to do that.

Maybe it’s not you that I hate, but what you did to me. What you took away from me. My comfortable middle class life, with a house and garden and two cars and bills always paid on time.

I hate struggling for money.

I hate desperation and where it takes me.

I lay the blame for all my ills squarely at your feet.

At the same time, you are the cause of my strength. Because of you, because of the humiliation that I suffered again and again, I have never been stronger. Even this, even this pile of shit I am currently living, I will survive. I will keep going through this hell. I won’t be like you. I won’t bring humiliation and grief to others, especially not to my children. I may be strong because of what you did to me, but they are strong because of me. Because I never gave up. Because I have always been there for them. I didn’t run away and fuck up my life without regard for others. I am a rock. The strongest, biggest rock they will ever have. 

And you? To them, you are nothing. You are a pebble that once existed and then rolled away without a trace. This too, they will remember.


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Also published on Medium.

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I've been blogging since 2008 and I do it because it keeps me sane.If I didn't blog, my head would explode. If you like your blogs sugar-coated and pretty looking then this is not for you. I write about life as a solo parent dealing with mental illness and recovering from long term emotional abuse. I live with two boy-children and three cats and I like wine. A lot.

Comments

  1. Denyse Whelan says

    9 May 2018 at 7:50 pm

    Hey Dorothy what a strong post..and yes, you would never have known what you were capable of with him. I know it is hard but so hope, over time, you can get the life and lifestyle you are seeking. Denyse from #mlstl link up

    Reply
    • Dorothy says

      12 May 2018 at 2:35 pm

      Thank you, Denyse.

      Reply
  2. Mary Lou says

    9 May 2018 at 9:41 pm

    So glad you were able to write this, Dorothy! Now take all that energy and take leaps into the life you need for yourself. You deserve it! #MLSTL
    http://www.meinthemiddlewrites.com

    Reply
    • Dorothy says

      12 May 2018 at 2:34 pm

      Thank you!

      Reply
  3. Victoria says

    10 May 2018 at 4:45 am

    Sometimes I feel that mental abuse is worse than physical because you have nothing to show there are no black eyes or broken bones only broken spirits and minds. Good for you for being a rock that shows your children what it really means to be strong.

    Reply
    • Dorothy says

      12 May 2018 at 2:34 pm

      They probably won’t know it until they ask about what really happened, but all I want is for them to be happy.

      Reply
  4. Sylvia Lance says

    10 May 2018 at 5:16 am

    You are a rock! Your survival skills will sustain you! I am inspired.

    Reply
    • Dorothy says

      12 May 2018 at 2:33 pm

      Thank you!

      Reply
  5. leannelc says

    10 May 2018 at 12:50 pm

    Wow Dorothy! That was so powerful and I hope you truly believe in that strength you now have. I hope you celebrate it and feel your worth and know that you deserved so much better. Try to move forward, don’t let bitterness consume you – because you are so much bigger than that – you aren’t just a rock – you actually Rock!
    Thanks for linking up with us at #MLSTL and I’ve shared this on my SM xx
    Leanne | http://www.crestingthehill.com.au

    Reply
    • Dorothy says

      12 May 2018 at 2:31 pm

      Thank you. I have moments of strength and hopefulness, but they don’t last. Thanks for stopping by.

      Reply
  6. Donna B. McNicol says

    13 May 2018 at 11:58 am

    Having survived two abusive marriages (one verbal, one verbal/physical), I hear you. Loud and clear! You are definitely strong!

    Reply

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