Back in December, I shared this post with you.
I wrote about how:
“I hate the constant demands they make on me; the constant questions; the constant “look at me!”
The noise, the mess, the housework. Having to teach them stuff, explain rules and expectations, deal with their emotional issues, answer the never-ending questions. Playing with them. Watching their TV shows and films.
The guilt. The constant guilt. About not doing all those things. About wanting to be elsewhere, doing something else. And then when I am, feeling guilty about not being with them.”
This touched (and still does) a lot of you.
It is my most popular post. It brings the most readers to my blog, readers who are searching for “I hate being a mum/mom/mother”.
(I also discovered that some of those readers come here looking for evidence of how awful motherhood is and how stupid us “mommies” are for having children in the first place. There are whole websites dedicated to these Child-Free members of our society, who complain about being marginalised by “breeders” and do it in quite vulgar language. You know who you are.)
When I hit “publish” that day, I was expecting a backlash of negative comments and judgements about my fitness to be a mother. I think that said a lot about how I felt about what I wrote, rather than what you, my readers, did.
I am grateful for the supportive comments you left instead, even those of you who could not understand how I could feel this way and those of you who long for motherhood, but haven’t been able to attain it.
Several months on, I am realising just how widespread the dissatisfaction with motherhood is and that there are many mums like me looking for connection and support.
I am not alone.
Neither are you.
In many conversations with my psychologist, as well as others whose knowledge and opinion I value, I learnt some things since writing that post. Things that I now want to share with you, hoping that they help you survive how you feel right now.
Here is my Five Step Rescue Plan for when motherhood gets too hard to handle.
1. Accept
It is OK to feel the way you feel. A lot of parents, particularly mothers, feel this way. Whether it’s only for a moment, in specific situations, or most of the time, you are not alone.
It’s OK. Sit with it. Don’t beat yourself up.
2. Get help
Talk to someone. Anyone. Preferably a professional, such as a medical doctor, a social worker, or a counsellor. Someone who is not emotionally invested in your situation, someone who is less likely to judge you. Because, let’s face it – feelings like this are not easily accepted or talked about in our society and it can be scary to admit them to someone you know. If you are lucky enough to have a sympathetic friend or relative, do confide in them.
If you feel in any way judged by the person you talk to, find someone else. Keep looking until you feel safe and comfortable with someone.
3. Dig deeper
Whether you hate motherhood occasionally, or most of the time, I guarantee that there is something else going on in your life, or in your mind, that is behind those feelings.
When you’re right in the middle of your life, it can be hard to see the big picture and look behind the scenes. I cannot stress enough the benefits of working with a trained counsellor. Together you will be able to dig through your life, your emotions, your thinking – to figure out what is really going on.
For me, it is the circumstances in which I find myself mothering, that are causing my negative and self-destructive emotions. I’m a sole parent, betrayed by the person who I should have been able to trust most. A person who abused me emotionally for a very long time and who misused the trust others placed in him.
I have moments when I struggle with parenting alone, as well as my depression and the trauma left behind by the psychological abuse.
For you, it may be any one, or a combination, of things, including:
- your relationship with your partner,
- relationship(s) with other members of your family,
- parenting skills and challenges,
- work/life balance,
- time management,
- putting everyone’s needs ahead of your own,
- mental health issues,
- chronic illness or disability in the family.
4. Take action
- marriage counselling,
- reviewing your financial situation,
- working out your life values and priorities and redesigning your life around them,
- career counselling – maybe your current job or career is too stressful, or not challenging enough,
- returning to work if you’re a stay-at-home-mum – not all of us are cut out to be with our children 24/7 and that’s OK,
- childcare – giving yourself a few hours or a couple of days to do things without your children may well save your sanity, it did mine,
- getting a cleaner,
- seeking respite care,
- getting treatment for any health issues.
5. Check in
Will you start today?
If you have any tips for readers who are struggling with motherhood, I would love you to comment below.
And don’t forget, if you liked this post, please share…
What a great post Dorothy. I don't hate being a mother, as its all I ever dreamed of being. Problem is, it's not always how I imagined it in my fairytale that plays in my mind. I have shit days where I feel like I could walk away from it all, granted I'd only make it to the corner but still, they do my head in.
I find when there's other stuff going on in my life, other stress and worry, I lose it with parenting so much quicker than normal.
Your post is a fantastic kick in the pants for me to deal with the 'other' stresses, so thanks xoxo
Dorothy there is a terrific book that was recommended to me called Parenting from the inside out by Dr Dan Siegal . It's a bit heavy duty but it helps parents understand why, when certain buttons are pressed by our kids, we go crazy. It's very very interesting and revelationary kind of stuff. I'd highly recommend it to any mum. The core message is that when we can make sense of our own life and made peace with it in some way, irrespective of what we've been through ourselves, our kids benefit and thrive. Im still reading it but it's given me great peace in that no matter what we may be going through if we can make sense of it, it's ok x
I think anyone who says they like being a mum all the time is lying to everyone and themselves. There will always be the hard times and this is a great resource for those hard times.
Oh wow. I hadn't seen your 'I hate being a mother' post, but I get it. It's not all sunshine and lollipops. It's hard work. LOVE your 5 tips, very true. The times when motherhood gets me down the most are always the ones when something else is on my mind, competing priorities making motherhood more stressful. Good on you for speaking out! x
Thanks for the tip 🙂 I hope other mums will find that book useful.
Great post!!
Totally agree with the need to dig deep. Great plan!
This is such a fantastic post and I totally agree with you. Sometimes I hate being a mother and it is my issue to deal with. Thank you for the tips.
Thank you. I need to do some more processing before I can comment more than that. 🙂
Self care is so vital, and so difficult as well. Wonderful post Dorothy. You rock.
Thank you. I wanted to provide some help for the mums landing here so often… And self-care is vital for all of us, not just mums…
Great post, honest and true. I'm currently questioning my view of motherhood and trying to take stock of my priorities and wants and needs. Your 5 points are practical and timely for me – I hope I can feel better about myself and find some confidence again in being a mother by following them.
Motherhood is all about the adjustments and constant readjustments. I have had many moments of self doubt with my children, somehow there is always something great to think of later. All the best for your journey!
Awesome post Dorothy. Thanks for sharing
I am printing this out and putting it on my bedside table. I'm going through a really rough patch right now and this is really helpful. Thank you.
Thank you for this and the related post. I just realized I don't have to hang myself on the towel rack. 🙂
Whewwww I am not alone in this love hate relationship. I lovvvvve my child but the demands of motherhood is boy oh boy demanding. Just need some me time, but with minimal support it's so hard. Between working fulltime, my child 101 activities, I'd give anything for a weekend to myself with a glass of wine and a nice book 🙂
I’m having an “I hate being a mother day” I’m a mum of 17 month old prem twins. Born at 29 weeks had a pretty tough journey bubs are fine they are doing great. The problem is me!!! Im pretty good most days. Getting a certain little miss to sleep in the evenings is doing my head in not to mention the tantrums!!! From both of them, still finding my way! Love the tips and going to sit down and work out a plan to a happier mummy thanks and wish me luck x
Thank you! I needed to hear this.
Glad you found it useful. Just remember – one day at a time.
Great post Dorothy, I’m sure there are a lot of mums that will resonate with this.
I’m late to the party, but this blog post spoke to me so much. I love my child immensely and would turn into the scariest beast on the planet if it meant protecting her from harm, but the job of motherhood I hate it with an intensity that scares me. I know all my “why’s”. Her dad died when she was 3 years old, we have no support from his side of the family (they act as if my daughter doesn’t exist); and the only help I have on my side is my mom. And while I am VERY grateful for her help, I need so much more — an entire Village — to help with my child who has several special needs: premature puberty (she’s a 7 yr old in a 12 yr old’s body), anxiety disorder, ADHD, and severe allergies that may require allergy shots. I’m overwhelmed with her issues, so much so that I’ve lost myself. Aside from that I feel like I was not designed to be a mother in the first place. I feel hopeless, like the only light at the end of the tunnel will come 11 years from now when she graduates high school and leaves my house. A whole decade from now.
The circumstances we find ourselves in as a parent have a massive impact on how we feel about parenting. I would be so much happier parenting as part of a loving couple, but being alone makes it a horrible chore. I highly recommend that reach out to your local community to see what services might be available to help you. I am lucky to live in Australia where there is a lot of support from our healthcare system and from local government. I don’t know what might be available where you live. It is always worth asking around – ask the school what they might be able to provided and don’t be shy about asking your friends for help. Good luck!
I hate how as a mom you are to be happy, that oh you are lucky to be a stay at home mom. Stop your whinning and just be happy. If you are not happy here have a pill. Have a pill to make your self happy with a life you hate. Take a pill so that you can be happy with doing the dishes and the lunadry and the floors, being a unpaied maid. I hate being told to play with the kids! What good is that going to do? Make a bigger mess for me to clean up. Ok look You cleaned the floor. heheh lets pour a cup of juice on it. Now clean it up agian and be happy about it. People just do not get it. My husband dose not get it. My mom worked full time she dose not get it. (My BFF gets it ) I do not work so I should be happy cleaning up all day and night 365 days a year.
Thank you for the post so that I know I am not alone! I tried the whys but its has not helped… I feel just as bad as ever. I will share my whys Who knows maybe one of you can sort me out…
I hate being a Mom
Why
The house work and the demands
Why
no fun cant please everyone
why
house work sucks cant keep up
why
I do not want too
Why
None cares
Why
??????
Hi Chilli, thanks for sharing. As I mentioned above it sounds like you could really use some help from a healthcare professional. We can’t fix everything ourselves. During my darkest times, I relied on childcare, my doctor and my psychologist to get me through each day. Even though I wasn’t working, my children were in childcare, just to give me time out. Maybe you can get some help with housework? Cleaners are not expensive. Or maybe lower your standards of how your house should look. But most of all get in touch with your doctor or social worker to get help that is specific to you.
Chilli you cannot live your life with no fun. You have GOT to have at least a few minutes of “fun time” every day, for your own personal wellbeing and mental health. I can’t stress enough how important this is. I’m talking tiny little pockets of my day where I do something JUST FOR ME.. sometimes I paint (with or without my toddler), listen to good music real loud, clean & polish my jewellery, flick through a magazine, watch a documentary, go kick the football outside, get a spray tan, make an iced coffee & sit in the sun.. it doesn’t have to be big. But it is absolutely imperative.
x
I love your post…you’ve expressed exactly how I fell…I couldn’t have said it any better!
very true! ever since i stayed home i feel i have no life other than to serve others. maybe i should work but then again its not like my partner ever volunteers to help with my son or the housework. im so overwhelmed with bills paperwork, laundry, cleaning and child rearing. i never imagined it to be like this! husband only works and thinks thats enough for him to do. im so sad and depressed not to mention my mother has gone blind and cant help me anymore with my son. and when she did it was very minimal.. i wish i could go back to being single and just working dont know why i thought having a family was my dream.
I’m so with you, and I feel so trapped! I’m from a rural area, and wouldn’t really pay me to work, so here I am sahm of a two year old, and hating it. I’m an introvert. I believe my daughter’s an extrovert. She won’t leave me alone for a minute, not even if I let her watch TV. It’s hard for me to get the things done I need to, much less do anything I want. I’m really depressed.
I rather be an aunt not a mom. The way my team talks back or ignored me I just wanna punch her in her face. Any suggestions ?
It drives me nuts when my kids talk back to me, but then I remember that they’re just kids and that it’s my job to teach them how to communicate effectively and respectfully with the rest of the world. Mine get consequences for talking back to me and they always apologise. Remember YOU are the one in charge. I highly recommend parenting books by Nigel Latta, they are real and super easy to apply in your own home.
I’m 21 with a 3 year and a 2 year old, I hate being a mother, almost every second, I’m never happy anymore, I never play with them anymore, I’m always angry, I hate myself so much, I don’t get a lot of help other than financially and I feel like I’m just slipping away, nothing I do is good enough, I just want my old life back but know if I left the guilt would kill me even faster than being here, so what’s the point?
Hi Bronwyn, it sounds like you need to connect with someone who can help you deal with these feelings and get support in raising your children. It is easy to be resentful towards your children, but I would suggest that you try to uncover the real reasons you are not happy and not coping. Sounds like some regular time alone, or with friends might be just what the doctor ordered. Talk to your doctor or a social worker to see what supports might be available to you in your community.
Hi Bronwyn.. i feel the same way as you do. I have a two young toddlers. they have completely drained my patience, so I’m always angry. I never want to play with them. I feel as if they’ve taken everything from me.. my thin figure, my sanity, my personality, my hobbies, my happiness, my sense of being human. I feel empty, except for the constant guilt that i carry with me. Time has flown by so fast since ive had kids and i feel like i am a waste of life. I feel like a shell of what I was before. I dont have friends anymore. My husband works and sleeps most of the time, and constantly yells at our kids. I used to stand up for them when he did that, but now i am too exhausted after fighting with the kids myself. I always feel alone and lonely. I never knew it was possible to feel this way toward your own children. I never imagined i could and i feel constant guilt for it.
Your words could be mine! I feel stuck in this rut too. It’s so tiring and I feel trapped. It seems to have ruined my marriage which is even sadder than not being a good mum, as I thought I was a good wife before. I’m a shell of who I was too and so miserable.
I’m a 26 year old with a 2 year old… I work 2 jobs, but I hate being a mother, my sons father is an amazing dad, my boyfriend is a wonderful stepdad and my mother who spends most of the time with my son is also best grandmother anyone could ask for.. but I hate it.. the weekends that I’m with him the few hours I’m with him, the crys, the not listening, and I feel so bad… everyone says I’m doing a good job but I hate it… I never wanted to have kids never and I don’t like kids still don’t. I was on birth control when I found out I was pregnant and I cried my eyes out because it’s not what I wanted for my life. I feel so bad I look at him and I wanna feel a connection but there isn’t.. he said I love you to me today on his own and I felt so bad because I didn’t care… what’s wrong with me… he’s a good kid too and I’m not even thankful enough to appreciate that. I just wish I had my old life back but I could never leave because that’s my child and it’s my job to raise him and take care of him.
I’m sorry you feel this way, Priscylla. As I mention above, I highly recommend that you connect with a healthcare professional to help you uncover what is really going on and guide you towards strategies that can help you connect with your child. No matter what we are all taught to believe, mothering and nurturing doesn’t come naturally to all of us, but there are things we can do to bring ourselves closer to our children. Hang in there and talk to someone who can help.
Oh Priscylla 🙁 You are not alone, please find a professional to talk to, keep looking until you find the right one for you – sometimes it is trial & error unfortunately. Don’t feel guilty or beat yourself up, please just talk to somebody who understands and won’t judge you. xx
I’m a married mum of 2 girls and your article is a godsend. Today I’ve just had enough. The temptation to walk away is killing me. I’m so tirer of being his wife and their mother. I’m not sure who i am myself anymore. The whole cycle of wash / fold / repeat and the nightly cooking of mewls nobody seems happy with have worn me thin. Honestly if i was in a better financial position i think I’d have made myself vanish by now. I’ve just had a 3 day break and i know i am more fortunate than some for that, and the feelings and the freedom that came with going to the bathroom alone, having someone else make me lunch & dinner, and being somewhere without 2 girls who fight and are never satisfied was blissful to say the least. Now I’m just struggling to get back into groundhog day again. Being with the same man since i graduated yr 12 at 17 and now being 30, my mind often wanders now to think of the woman i would be had i have ventured out on my own earlier on. I feel like I’ve given up 10yrs and want to take my 30s back.
Sorry for the essay. But thank you for your honesty.
It’s tough, isn’t it? And it’s hard to find someone to confide in, because you think you will be judged. Please know that you are not alone and there are many mothers like you who have just given too much of themselves and not put enough back. Please, find something you can do daily, weekly to recharge yourself. A walk alone. A coffee with a friend. Every minute counts. I’m glad you found this space where you can tell it like it is.
I really needed to read this today. I have times where I HATE BEING A MOTHER. There demands, the problems, the constant drain of being everything to everyone. I have two sets of children. I married very young at 19 and had a daughter of that union. I had another child fiver years later then found myself single for nine years. I remarried and had two sons with a child disused as a well-educated man. The marriage was HORRIBLE! Although he has two college degrees he refused to work, help with the children or positively contribute in any way. We lost our family home to foreclosure, he went back to live with his parents and I was left with he children. I’ve hd NO DOWN TIME and minimal support with the children. I’ve had tottery to rebuild my ENTIRE life as much older middle aged woman with the children in tow.
I always wanted to be a mom but I fell like I hate it more often than not. They aren’t awful demons but they talk back and constantly test limits (like children do). I’m just relieved to know I’m not the only mom who feels this way. I’d love to have a moment with friends, take a trip or even date again but there’s never any time because of all of their needs. And lets not forget older children need their mom too so then there’s those two who need advice, an occasional helping hand and it’s all just so very much.
I will take your list as it seems you’ve had good luck with it.
I’m glad I was here to show you that you are not alone. It sounds like you’ve had a very unlucky time in your mothering journey. I hope my tips help and you can start to enjoy your kids even just a little bit.
I needed this today, thank you. Being a mom is somethimes breath taking hard. The lack of respect for the mind numbing tasks you do all day every day. We’ve hadn’t have a whine free meal in 5 years! The constant need/demands. I have no social life anymore whatsoever because maintaining a friendship would take my very last bit of energy. I hate what I ve become, a stressen out nag. I blame my sexdrive and hormones for this situation so bye bye sexdrive. I oftewel want to leave this mess and feel guilty about thinking like that and feeling non motherly feeling for them. Ugh. Why don’t they prepare us at school for this task? I really whished I was prepare better and had a Weekly AA kind of meeting with other moment who need to blow of steam and hopefully laugh with situations and the misery we put ouselves into.
AA kind of mom meeting.. other moms… sorry, english is not my mother language and autocorrect.
I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t think you can ever really be prepared. My parents had four kids… I was the second child, and almost 14 when my twin sisters were born, so I thought I knew what it would be like. It’s so much worse than I could’ve imagined. I jokingly say I blame my parents for making it look easy, but the truth is I think I just am not cut out for parenting.
Have you asked your mom how it felt for her? My grandma had 4 but passed away before mine were born. So I can t ask. She would have lied anyway to keep it copeable for herself 🙂 My own mom told me numerous times it is hell and I shouldn t take children. Should have listened for once 🙂
I totally get where you’re coming from. Nothing prepares you for how constant mothering is. It’s not something you add onto your life, it takes over your life. I was lucky to find a playgroups for mums with depression and anxiety and it was such a comfortable place to just be and drop the mask and share what really was going on in our lives. We all need a safe space like this to debrief.
Thank you so much for your post. Indeed I feel similarly and feel like I can’t talk about it with anybody outside of my therapist. Even another new mom friend I have just says she’s so happy all of the time. Really??
I am a new mom of a 10 week old. She has reflux and refuses to eat. The doctors/specialists haven’t been able help us, we’ve tried two different medications and switching to hypoallergenic formula. I feel totally helpless like there is nothing I can do to feed her without her screaming hysterically, squirming and fighting me, but if I only fed her when she actually wanted to eat she would end up taking only 6 oz a day and end up dehydrated (this nearly happened, and we almost had to take her to the ER to be fed through a tube). I’m extremely fortunate that we can afford help, so I hired a very persistent baby nurse who is able to force-feed my daughter so she at least gets some nutrition, but now I feel like I’m outsourcing my role as mother and feel guilty, like I’m abandoning her and she’ll have a closer relationship with the nurse than she will with me. I feel so ashamed when I’m listening from the other room when the baby nurse is trying to feed my hysterical daughter. And then I feel ashamed for being ashamed, because I am so fortunate to have help. Last night I tried to feed her myself and it was the worst crying it’s ever been, I started crying myself and the nurse told me that my stress was only going to make my daughters feeding worse. What a catch-22 – I am distraught trying to feed my daughter, but then if I express that I’m only going to make it worse – what can I possibly do??? So I hide myself from my daughter and am an absent mother. My husband says “this is parenting, we have to deal with it” and “why can’t you just let the baby nurse help” and he thinks I’m seriously mentally crazy. But I really hate motherhood and have the overwhelming feeling that if I could make this decision over again I would not have gotten pregnant. I want my old life back. I just feel crippling responsibility, loss of control, and no love.
And yes, I’m under the care of a therapist who is very helpful. I’m a big believer in therapy. But it’s no silver bullet either.
Oh sweetheart. Baby nurses are fantastic but they should not be telling you to stop expressing your feelings, how you feel is how you feel, there is no right or wrong. Please understand that this is TEMPORARY. This too shall pass. I promise you, it will not always be this hard. You just need to hang onto that and remember it every day. This is all temporary – it is NOT forever.
xx
Hi, Steph, my son now is 8 months. I completely understand how you feel because I have been there. My mother was with me for the first two months and she has so much more patience than me. She was also kind to help me with settling the baby quite a lot, but I cried behind closed door cause I feel I’m ashamed to be a mother and i could not be able to connect with my own child.
I want to tell you this will all pass. Once you’re baby’s reflux is better and you will be more confident to feed and your baby will be very close to you!
Don’t worry it will get better!
I’m so sorry things are so tough for you right now. Those first years were hell for me, too, especially with my younger non-eating, non-sleeping son. It’s a long tough road, but eventually things do get better, I promise. I’m glad that you have the support of a good therapist. Can you find a support group for new mums nearby? Talking to other mums who are going through the same thing can be so helpful. I hope that your daughter gets over her reflux soon.
Steph, I remember being a new mother. You getting some help from a nurse is the WISEST thing you could possibly do! Your baby will NOT bond more with the nurse than you! You need this help! Whenever I would despair of how incredibly DIFFICULT child rearing is to my mother, she would remind me: What do celebrities and the wealthy do with their children? Hire a TEAM of nannies, send children away to boarding school, etc. Why? Because child rearing is VERY hard drudge work. Please, be gentle and kind and easy on yourself. The self-judment is hard, the competitive mothering even more brutal. There is a good book called ‘Perfect Madness: Motherhood in The Age of Anxiety’ about how mothers these days are hit from every side by judgments from others and themselves. And there is a VERY funny blog I use for comic relief when I’m at my wit’s end called ‘hurrah for gin.’ Check out the funny stories, I’m sure you will relate. Godspeed to you and your little one!
Thank You! THANK You!
I’m glad it was helpful to hear someone else express what so many feel, but are afraid to say.
Thank you for you post!! I loved being a mother at one point and right now, I hate it. Wow, that’s the first time I’ve ever *said it out loud. I love my children and feel like I could get back there. I just didn’t have any idea how except to spend a fortune on a therapist. This gives me a starting place. Thank you.
I’m sorry you feel this way and I hope you are able to find your way back to enjoying mothering.
Thank you! I hate feeling this way because I know my kids can sense it. They get lots of love and attention but they also see me in pretty bad moods too. It makes me feel really guilty. I need to fix this.
You’re allowed to be in a bad mood, nobody on this planet is Miss Mary Fucking Sunshine every day of the week, but if you accidentally take it out on your kid, just apologise. Sometimes apologising & explaining your bad mood to your kid can put things into perspective & you’ll be surprised how much they understand. Then you’ll do it less & less.
Thank you for this post. For being real. I have a 5 month old girl whom I love soooo very much…
But there are days when I sincerely miss not having a child… the main reason is just how much work it is to care for another being completely and totally. I also have a chronic illness that makes me hurt all over at times and this makes motherhood even harder than it already is. I knew going into having a child that it would be hard (especially with my illness) but my husband and I agreed we would have one child. I have never felt love like this. But at the same time, I ache all over some days due to lack of sleep and I find it hard to find the happiness. It’s like riding a very emotional roller coaster. Ultimately though, I could never leave my baby and I love her with all of my heart.
It’s hard, isn’t it, especially when you’re not perfectly healthy. The demands of a baby are 24/7 and it can be so hard to fit in self-care into your routine. I hope your husband is supportive and pitches in when he can.
All I ever wanted was to be a mother. I remember dreaming of it at a very young age…I was told at 13 I’d never have children due to medical issues. I turned 18 and my daughter was born. She was a maricle. She was what I always wanted…but I couldn’t love her. Months went by after her birth and I couldn’t love her and then one day I did. It was amazing. Years later I was married and then came number two. Again I prayed for this child…wanted nothing more and I didn’t love her until months later. Then my last child came I never wanted him. I wanted a tubal before becoming pregnant…but my husband had other plans…to this day I wish I didn’t have him. I feel strongly for him. I enjoy time with him mostly. I take excellent care of all my children, in fact people are constantly praising my mothering…my kids are happy and are always loving on me and I know I’m a good mother…but I absolutely hate being a mother…it hurts so much to admit, I feel like a failure as a woman and a wife…I will never let my children know these feelings but deep down I’m resentful of my husband for wanting them :'(
I only have one and tell anyone I know god bless you because I am not that strong. At least you are an excellent mother. I can’t fake it. I wish I could.
I also wanted to be a mother so badly in my early 20s and then again in my mid-30s when my first son was born. But the reality of motherhood is nothing like the ads, especially when you end up doing it on your own. I’m sorry you’re in this situation right now, but I do promise things get better and eventually they do leave home. My boys are now extremely helpful around the house and mostly self-sufficient, so while I still don’t love parenting, I no longer hate it like I used to. Good luck!
Annie, I can relate to your feelings. Please know that a lot of the lack of bonding and the lack of joy you feel is often due to severe Post Partum Depression, aka Post Natal Depression, which may not match traditional symptoms. Please, I beg you to look for a supportive, kind, encouraging therapist who can help you with this challenge. Best to you and your little ones.
I HATE BEING A MUM
Why?
Because i am all alone.
Why?
Because my family is dysfunctional, therefore i am dysfunctional.
Why?
Because we are all SELFISH.
Why?
Because HISTORY REPEATS itself.
Why?
Because i made no effort to change.
Why?
Because i don’t really want to change, and besides, i don’t know how.
I just wish I’d never had children!
I really wish someone had told me what a horrible, awful, never-ending NIGHTMARE it is!!!
Thank you thank you thank you, Nicole, for saying that bluntly and honestly !!!!!!!!!!!! — I feel the same way “I just wish I’d never had children!” THAT’S EXACTLY ME!!!!!! When I was 14 I decided I never would, then I got caught up in a religion that the people REALLY push having kids, and although I made the decision to have kids, I would NOT have if I had been in my own mind and not the mind of the group. I love my kids. A bit =P but wish to god I could go back and not have had them.
For me the worst thing about motherhood is having to do it alone. I’m sorry you feel the way you do and all I can say is that they will grow up and leave home eventually. Not everyone is made to be a mother, so don’t feel guilty.
Being a mom sucks. We gotta get over it…kids are pain in the butt…I raised 1 daughter and 2 brothers. ..now she is 17 and when she turns 18 I am moving away from my family. .. they can keep the house. at age 33 I want a life. .where I wash just my dishes..my clothes. Heck I gotta pay the kid to do dishes…smh… work is my only joy lately . Set a date and when u wanna scream remind yourself how long u got left. Plan an after my brats gone and prepare for it.. Will definitely help in the moments of stress. I have accomplished all my goals needed for after-child yrs like degree, weightloss, rv hunting. Our future just beginning. . Besides we deserve freedom ..get em to college and RUN
.I’m planning and training to be SELFISH. .yup…She has acceptances to elite schools like harvard…the best u can do mom’s is avoid having more, raise them well..remind them college out of state age 18 mandatory … freedom is only couple yrs away yal. Goodluck…
LOL! x
You’ve no idea how often I thought the same. As soon as they turn 18 and leave home, I plan on getting a small place of my own with no room for them to come back to. Or maybe I’ll join an ashram. Good luck!
I have 2 daughters, 4 &5. Never aspired to be a mother until I met a guy who wanted a family, so I did it! Now he’s divorcing me because I’m not happy. The stupidest decision I ever made to sacrifice myself to someone who never once showed an ounce of gratitude, understanding, or support. I’m not talking just parenting, his life went on as I was left at home pregnant, then with infants, then with toddlers, while he’s having fun with friends and taking his wedding ring off while playing golf! None of this sounds like a “partner”. I’m looking forward to the day when I don’t have to see him everyday. Nonetheless, I’m left with the bag of crap I didn’t sign up for. I know I’m angry and resentful, but most of all I feel stupid! Whoever reads this, learn one thing don’t sacrifice your true self to anyone, unless you’re ok actually being that person!
I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. It’s never a good idea to do something only because someone else wants you to. I hope you can reach out to your doctor, or some local networks to get the help you need. Good luck!
Today is just the same kind of day that I have had for the last 6 months, One where I haven’t smiled, had any fun or looked at my beautiful children and wished I could be transported somewhere else and stay there until they have grown up. I am struggling to cope with the smallest of problems, my marriage is failing my health is suffering and I have no one or nothing in my life that makes me happy. The noise is making me anxious and the constancy of it all is exausting. I cry on my own, but I now can’t help crying in front of the kids. They ask me what’s wrong. What do I say? All I know is, that I love them with everything I have but just need it all to go away.
I was the same Sarah. You need to get professional help. For your own health and wellbeing, and for the wellbeing of your kids. Nobody gets it, I know. Keep trying until you find a counselor who does. Trial and error. Dont get imprisoned in the present – it is all temporary. They will not be young kids forever. Hang in there xx
I know, it can be so hard at times. And trust me, just because you hate perenting, it doesn’t mean that you don’t love your kids. I hope you can find some help through your doctor.
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m in that spot right now to the point of imagining my non existence. I was pretty sure what was behind the “hate” but seeing it in the this text made it visually and mentally clearer. Now I can take action and hopefully move past this moment in my life.
I hate being a mother because its overwhelming raising 3 kids on my own. I appreciate all of God’s blessings, and i love my kids, but they each have their own personalites, their own issues, and I’m the one that has to do everything. All the time. From day one til forever everything is determined by my choices and that’s very scary. I had my first child at 18, 2nd at 20 and 3rd at 24. I have to live with stupid choices that I made everyday and feel so bad for not being able to give my kids more. I suck at this. I was OK when they were younger but now it’s more stressful than ever. I hate being responsible for how they turn out. And I hope they don’t turn out like me. Thanks for this. I didn’t know other women hating being a mom sometimes.
Thank you so much for writing this! I hate motherhood everyday of my life. I very fortunately have all of the options you listed (thank God). I don’t know what I’d do without the caregiver that watches my son a few times a week. I probably would be committed to the looney bin. I also work as a hairstylist a couple days a week which makes me feel semi human again, but the days that I’m with him all day make me insane. If I have two days in a row with him I’m ready to just run away and leave for good. He’s coming up on age 3 so I know it’s an unbearable age. I just miss my old life. My husband and I had 14 yrs together and had him late after a couple of miscarriages as well. I wasn’t really thrilled about having children but I love my husband and didn’t want him to resent me for not giving him a child. I thought “I can do this”, even when I new it was probably going to be horrible. My nightmares came true. I just know I’m not cut out for motherhood. We have restaurants so my husband works like 80+ hours a week. So many people say they don’t want their child to grow up but I can’t wait for mine to be an adult! I also live with chronic pain that causes migraine like headaches so that tops everything off so fabulously. I wish there were more people that are understanding when hearing the I hate motherhood comment but unfortunately people look at you like you’re a killer. I’m very honest with people when they ask me about motherhood and cringe when they ask me if I’ll have more. I pretty much shout out either hell no or f#&k no! I definitely know that I shouldn’t have had children so there’s nothing I can do now. I have all of the options available to me and I’m very greatful for that so all I can do is just take one day at a time. Thank you to the fine chemists who created Xanax. I wanted to write this post for everyone out there who feels the same and is miserable about their situation. Thank you Dorothy for putting up your post.
Julie I couldn’t help but laugh when I read ‘people say they don’t want their kids to grow up’ LOL I know what you mean!! What are they talking about, kids grow up too fast??!! The last 4 years have been the LONGEST OF MY LIFE!! The months and years have positively DRAGGED on by. I can say this though, I only have one child, but it gets a teeny tiny bit easier as she gets older and more independent. I mean she is very emotional and asks a thousand complicated questions but she can at least wipe her own butt and gets dressed by herself you know? Hang in there x
Julie,how i understand you…the true is it will get better a little bit with the time,but the first 5-6 years of my daugters life was a HELL!I lost my husband i lost my job i lost my friends i lost my life compleatly…i hate it so much,i even tried antidepressive to survive…honestly i really wanted to die, not to wake up the next fucking day after the next fucking night with screaming child! Now she is 10…but still terrible child,negative,never satisfied,depressed,still having some psycho issues which i can not stand anymore,still annoying everyone…i cant tell anybody how much i regret my decision to have a child, i regret it every day, she makes me regret it with her behaviour and neverending problems…but there is no way out… i count every day until she finally gets out of my house and i will have my life back, smiling and beeing happy again…if im still alive in that time…
Thank you so much for this post. It feels so good to know that I’m not alone. ❤
“The guilt. The constant guilt. About not doing all those things. About wanting to be elsewhere, doing something else. And then when I am, feeling guilty about not being with them.”
Yes. That for me is the worst. I’m very ambitious, but also want to be the best mother possible. My ambition is for them, yet when I am working towards my goals the guilt eats me up. No one gets it. I feel so horrible about myself constantly. “Why aren’t you doing this and that with your child?” *doing things with child* “Why aren’t you working? Do you not want the best for your kids?. It drives me mad. I want to be here and be there all the time yet feel guilty that I’m not as if that’s somehow possible
Anyway. It’s overwhelming. It brings me much sadness.
Of ourse I love my girl, she is amazing, I love her character, she brings joy, she’s 5 now BUT Oh my goodnesss motherhood is overwhelming. Sometimes I stare into space and don’t feel like being a mother. Because I had her young so many of my friends are single 20 something year olds and I wish they could take me with them on regular holidays and nights out.
I know deep inside I’m a good mum and I would never walk away, but I regularly ask myself when it will be easy. I find I feel my best after I have done something for myself, even if it is coming home from work or going to a workshop and most the time I bringmy daughter with me and its fine.
The days I feel my worst is when I’m reminded that I’m parenting alone, this is not how it’s meant to be and I have no one to share these thoughts with. I usually keep myself busy, even if it is a family trip to the market.
I absolutely hate being a mother! Hate, hate, hate it. I never wanted to be one, I knew I never wanted to be one. But of course, when a girl says she doesn’t want to be a mother, no one cares. I did eventually grow to love my son, but if I could go back, I wouldn’t even get married only because of the impending doom of motherhood. I loved being just married. But my husband needed a kid and everyone felt sorry for him because of me. If I had a daughter instead of a son, I would drill into her little head that she does NOT have to EVER get married and have kids.
I hate being a mum most of the time too. I have a 3 yr old daughter n 1 year old son (he wasnt planned) and i have hated my life constantly pretty much since my first was born. I used to be a good looking woman I am now knackered n rough looking, put weight on n in general depressed n suicidal constantly. Living in practical poverty doesnt help either. I love my children more than anything but having them has ruined my life. I am angry all the time and most days a bullet through the head would be most welcome. Im pretty sure my mum felt the same way, remember her telling me to never have kids and i wish id listened sometimes. saying that i feel so lucky at the same time to have such a beautiful boy and girl. Motherhood is so hard, I pray to God one day I will have my life back before I am too old to enjoy it. I am 26 and had my first baby just turned 23.
I’ve been at motherhood for 20 years. I’m worn out. My youngest are 3&4. I can’t get professional help or cleaning help. I don’t have money or insurance. I’m not sure why I made such stupid decisions. They are like cockroaches. There is a mess everywhere they stand. I lost my teeth during pregnancy. I have almost no hair. My family support is nonexistent. No one acknowledges my kids are even alive. My oldest had to go to grandparents day for our middle children, but their grandparents went to the same school, as great grands, for another child. I think about ending it all everyday. My 8&9 year old do not dress themselves or wipe their butts. I’ve taught them both to do so. They dump food for the hell of it. We only spend $85 on food a week for 9 people. When they ruin what we have, I give up. I’m sick of being hungry, yet overweight. They all pee the bed, every night. I know they are here, because I had no life plan. I’m not a smart cookie. My oldest kids work full time. They don’t often offer to help. Plus, the younger ones aren’t their responsibility. I have chronic migraines with blindness, numbness, and loss of speech. My marriage is going in the toilet, due to my depression. He’s a very good man. I mean hard working, long hours, and very sweet. I can’t expect him to deal with my issues forever. I hide in my room in the evenings, and let the small ones binge Netflix. I’m trying to survive until kindergarten. I’m not sure that will work. Every morning is a battle getting the middles ready for school. Teachers think hours of homework is going to be fun. I have no patience for 10 pages; most of which weren’t finished at school. I hate being alive. I only like being asleep. I hate noise and expectations. I don’t want them to touch me. I don’t want to pick up anymore poop. This is a battle I cannot win. If you talk about your feelings openly, people shun you.
I’m sorry things are so tough for you. Are there any community groups in your area that can help?
Oh Wow!!! Never knew anybody else felt that way too. A lot of moms pretend like it’s the greatest thing in the world.. but everybody doesn’t feel that way
Kris honey u need to talk to someone… if not someone close to u, find an online community to open up to. I find strangers are less judgemental than people u know
THanks so much for not only making me feel normal in your original post but for also coming back with some really helpful and realistic tips.
I have 3 children – 2 of which are twins and although I know I love them all I am also parenting most of the time on my own as my husband works a lot to keep us afloat. And I’m straight up exhausted! Exhausted from the non stop noise, tiffs, mess, feeding, having to know all the answers and then still having to run our household, and plan EVERY little detail of the family’s life. It all stresses me out more than anything I have ever done in my entire life.
I also know that my working from home with the kids in aid to try give our family some actual savings is not helping. I think it might be time to just bite the bullet, pay for childcare and come away with smaller savings. I’ll also be taking your tips on board and fingers crossed I can turn the stress and frustration around so that we can all live happier and I don’t crack
Thank you. That exercise you suggested has really cleared things up. Articles like this are so helpful & again I thank you for writing it.
Thanks for this.
I hate being a mom so much. Now that I have my second child everything is worse then before. She’s two years old and from the day I gave birth I have no connection towards her. Now I have resulted in setting up a trust and putting policies in place so I can die quickly. I won’t go on but all I know is that I pray to die more often then an average mom.I not looking for help or for any sympathy.I wish someone could kill me since its my fault I got into this mess anyway. The poor children don’t deserve this or a person who hate them.
It’s Christmas Day and it’s been an awful day. I hate being a mother. I should be enjoying my time off (I’m a teacher) but instead I’m feeling numb. Just had my husband say that he thinks the daycare is making our son whiny so I suggested to him to quit his job and take care of our child seeing as I make double what he does and his salary alone wouldn’t cover our mortgage and bills, let alone food.
Christmas time means lots of people asking if we are ever going to have another child. And they drag you when you say no, we’re fine with just one. I’m sure they just want us to be as miserable as them.
Great response to your husband. Where there are two parents, it is both of their responsibility to take care and raise the children. Society places such high expectations on mothers and fathers get away with the bare minimum.
Hang in there. It does get better.
I am a first time Mom and i hate it … I constantly feel trapped. I make jokes to keep from crying but i feel like I signed up for prison. I miss so much of the sexy, fast paced, witty person I was before. I thought having a child would be this rewarding or joyous journey but yet I couldn’t feel more of the opposite. I love my daughter. But i wish I was like the other moms who wake up estatic about being a mom.
Yeah I totally understand. Just remember this is temporary. It won’t be like this forever. Feeling trapped and suffocated is very common. Don’t beat yourself up. x
I promise you, you will be that person again. The demands of small children make us feel lost and invisible, but we do get ourselves back eventually.
I’m sorry you feel this way and thank you for sharing your story with me.
Thank you for your honesty. I grew up with the expectation of not having a bad marriage or bad kids. I had both. A husband who has depression and some personality issues along with kids esp my oldest daughter who has mental problems and involved in drugs and prostitution. She’s 20. It killed me inside everyday to feel like I failed as a mother. I also have twins they’re 16 and my other daughter slowly trying to fall in the footsteps of her sister. My son, Schizophenic. I work 2 jobs and its never enough. I finally had to leave. I still love my kids with my entire soul. I left them with their dad. He makes more money. I tried so hard to be a good mother but none was appreciated by my husband and I couldn’t keep being an enabler. I felt like I was. As long as I’m there they take advantage of my goodness
I swear. Especially my husband and I resent him for it. I still love them with all my soul. My kids. I still care about my husband but could never go back to him. I see my kids but they think I abandoned them. I didn’t! I’m still they’re mom. Not their maid. Ill do whatever I can to make their lives better I just can’t keep taking the drugs and behavior. I’m sorry I do feel like a bad mom. But I gave it my all for 20 years. I really did.
My God this just broke my heart. You didn’t fail at all. You did the right thing.
I’m so sorry you have to mother in such impossibly hard circumstances. It took so much courage to leave and do what is best for you. Tough love is not what kids like best, but it’s what they need.
I hope things get better for you and thank you for sharing your story with me.
OMG thank you for this blog. As I lay with my sick 6 month old in a yet another sleepless night. I find myself thinking ” I hate my life ” I want to scream it. And I resent my husband for wanting to have kids. And I hate myself for thinking this. I want to slap him when he comes back from work and says he is tired.
I would give anything to go all day to work and have an actual conversation with adults.
I am going with a psyquiatrist for post partum treatment and I’ve been going since after my first.
Don’t get me wrong I love them with all my heart. But I seriously keep thinking about the life I left behind. My career, my country, friends etc. What would have happened If I wouldn’t get married and have kids.
I just keep thinking about before and I never ever remember thinking ” I hate my life ” until now.
I have never got the courage to say this or accept it because I feel like the worst person, wife and mother.
I’m so sorry you feel like this. Have you tried some of my tips in this post? It’s worth reaching out for help in you can.
Motherhood would be extra hard if you’re not the one who wanted the child. I can’t imagine what that is like. I hope you can find a playgroup or mothers group in your area to find other adults to talk to.
Hang in there and best of luck.
I hate being a mother…most of the time. I often feel like I took the wrong path and made a big mistake. It’s a daily struggle. Thanks for this post, I found it really helpful. My husband is a saint and super helpful but unfortunately motherhood is just not my thing. Will follow some of your tips and hope they help.
I know how you feel. Motherhood isn’t my thing either, but that doesn’t stop me from doing my best and loving my kids. I love every bit of freedom I claw back from them. like being able to go out in the evenings without organising a babysitter, now that they’re old enough to leave home alone for a couple of hours.
We’re not all meant to enjoy motherhood. You are not alone.
I hate being mom. It’s been almost 19 months, I can’t take it. I hate it. Ever since I met my daughter at the hospital I knew I made a mistake not taking birth control. To make it worse, the nurses called my child ugly, I suffered one the most severe forms of depression, I wanted to kill myself and my child, I prayed to God to remove the depression and he definitely did after a week or 2 weeks I felt but, but the scares from depression still remain.
I just want my old life back, being a young and free 25year old, I wanted to experience living alone without my mom, I was in final year university, I never had so much freedom as I did those 3 years in varsity, but placed myself into another prison of hell. I wanted so much to move out of my home, now I’m stuck at home in my old bedroom sleeping next to child who kicks me all night cause I can’t afford to have both(child and my own apartment).
I wanted to travel the world and go to Disney world alone, but now I’m stuck with a child who screams and throwz herself on the floor when she doesn’t get her way.
I only had freedom for 3 years of my life:(
I hate my life, I killed my own dreams, I will forever blame myself for my stupidity. I wish wishes were real. I wish I were in a bad dream, and as I press send, I wake up in 2nd year in my dorm room, I would skip school not caring what my lecturers say and go get my depo injection.
My happiness was sucked away the day my daughter was born.
I will never be happy and content like my 24.6 year old self
I’m so sorry you feel this way. Have you tried some of the tips I write about in this post?
Your life is not over. When your child is older you will get your freedom back and by then you will also have the income to enjoy it. I have friends who had their babies in their early twenties and now their kids have left home, leaving them free to travel the world and enjoy life on their substantial income. Having children takes the long view. It can be so frustrating when their little and you’re they’re everything, but it does get better.
Can you put a mattress on the floor of your room for your child, so you can at least get that little bit of freedom back?
Hugs. Don’t give up.
Hi.. I found it a great relief to come upon your posts. Thank you for finally saying what a lot of mothers really feel. I have a two young toddlers. they have completely drained my patience, so I’m always angry. I never want to play with them. I feel as if they’ve taken everything from me.. my thin figure, my sanity, my personality, my hobbies, my happiness, my sense of being human. I feel empty, except for the constant guilt that i carry with me. Time has flown by so fast since ive had kids and i feel like i am a waste of life. I feel like a shell of what I was before. I dont have friends anymore. My husband works and sleeps most of the time, and constantly yells at our kids. I used to stand up for them when he did that, but now i am too exhausted after fighting with the kids myself. So i always feel alone and lonely. I don’t feel human anymore. Our situation, of having no friends and no money, doesn’t really leave us with any options. There is no break from this. I can’t even trust my own husband to leave them alone with him.
I’m glad you were able to find others who feel that motherhood is not what we were taught to believe. It’s definitely not all rainbows, sunshine and smiles. There are moments of this, of course, but a lot of the time the whole thing can feel like a giant struggle.
I hope you found my tips useful and can find some ways to make motherhood easier for you.
Great post! I often feel like a bad mother. I see people’s social posts about what a blessing it is to have kids and how great their kids are and it makes me feel like crap. Kids are a pain in the ass but no one ever seems to admit this. I feel like I spend all my time telling my daughter off for not listening and I don’t even think she likes me. She spends all of her time talking about her daddy and wanting to be with daddy. He can do now wrong! Ahhh! It feels good to get that off my chest. I think I need some me time and I need to stop beating myself up.
My son is 6 weeks and I felt fed up from week 1. I told my husband I didn’t want to be a mother anymore. I still have these feelings. I can’t imagine having more than one child. I keep thinking, if I just had a full nights sleep, things would be better. The sleep deprivation, inadequate diet, and constant nursing make me a cranky wife and momma. Everyone congratulates you on your “bundle of joy”, and says how wonderful motherhood is but they don’t tell you how hard it is in the beginning… maybe because it truly is such a short time that its forgettable once things get easier? I hope that’s the case. Thank you so much for your blog post.
Hate it or love it, motherhood is honorable and it just so happens to reveal how selfish we truly are and what a long way we have to go to become more selfless. I assure us all that its truly worth it to lay down our lives for our little ones; that is love… whether it feels like it or not.
Excuse me but we are not ‘selfish’. Take your judgement elsewhere.
So much of this advice is, “take a little time for yourself”. I’m sorry but that’s just not good enough. A little me time isn’t enough. I want more! I hate living my life around her. Her needs. Her whims. Her BULLSHIT. She can manifest more needs out of thin air. I hate the attention seeking behavior. I hate the fake tears and whining. I want to claw my face off. I want to scream. I want to be ALONE. I want my husband to be able to spend time with me without “ditching” his daughter. Why does it feel like that? Her or me? Why does it feel like to be a good husband, he has to be a bad father? Why does she automatically get all of him? She sighs at sharing him. Always makes us feel guilty for wanting alone time. I hate everything about being a mom. Cartoons melt my brain, I can’t even listen to them. I hate her other family members, dealing with them is such a chore. They’re unpleasant people who can argue with you even when you’re agreeing with them. I hate her birthday, and having to throw her a party. Because that involves MORE children. I don’t like kids! I don’t want them around me. I want to check out but I feel like I can’t. I’m just a step mom but everyone must assumes I’m down for this. I’m not. I love her father, but I hate that he made a baby without me and now she’s running my life! I didn’t get pregnant ON PURPOSE. and now I’m dealing with the consequences of another woman’s teen pregnancy. She gets to live her life. And I’m living in her mess. I hate that she got to walk away, and I have to do everything for HER KID. It’s not fair. I want my husband. I want my life to be the way I tried so hard to make it. CHILDLESS.
Thats the worst thing you can do, is talk to a social worker… please do not do thisadies unless you want to to interfere in your home life
I didn’t find that to be the case. My social worker worked out of my doctor’s surgery and she was awesome.
You are not a bad person. You are a human with feelings.
This is exactly what I needed to read. I can’t talk to anyone I know about how I’m feeling because everyone is just so HAPPY that there’s a baby in the family.. happy happy happy yet I was made so many promises by my partner and he is failing at holding up his end of the bargain. My life was an exciting one and I’m selfish with my time.. This is not the life I want at all. I’ve seriously thought on more than one occasion of just giving him full custody and leaving this situation. I’m not the mother she deserves. I’m more bothered and hassled than anything else by everything to do with parenting. I just don’t feel it. I don’t feel motherly; I absolutely hate my new routine and I’ve spent more nights in tears than I should have. I want to talk to my doctor but really what options will they provide?! The only ‘out’ I see is just to leave and it breaks my heart to think of leaving my girl but I grow more and more miserable everyday I hate who I have become.. constantly upset and irritated and angry.. all my relationships are suffering as a result. I just feel completely and utterly hopeless and I’m glad I’m not the only one out there.
I’m glad you found this post and that it made you feel less alone. Motherhood definitely isn’t for the feint-hearted. I hope you can ask for and get some help and get out of the house. Can you find a playgroup or a mothers’ group near you? Connecting with other mums was so important to me during those first few years. Definitely talk to your doctor and get some help.
Yep, happy happy happy but nobody cares how the mother is feeling
It’s such a relief to find this post and read these comments. I wish I had known myself a lot better before I had children. I have always loved kids and I even write and illustrate in the children’s genre. But I would give anything sometimes to have my own life and not have to care for other people. I only ever wanted one, at most. I know now for sure that I am pretty quiet and introverted and my idea of a good time is to curl up with a book or do artwork by myself. But when I met my husband, he was so good with kids and wanted a lot of them. With him, I felt like I could do more than one. But then I lost him to cancer, and now I’m a single mom of 4 kids. They are great kids but I am sick and tired of cleaning up messes, breaking up fights, never getting any kind of alone time, and constant noise! I love them but I would give anything just to have a clean house and silence. I keep thinking, every single day, why didn’t I listen to myself back then and just have one? Or none at all? Why did I let myself be talked into this? I keep thinking, but I loved my husband. But I read once somewhere that “love” is nature’s trick to get you to breed. In the past, I would have thought that sounded awfully harsh but now, I’m not so sure. I feel like I temporarily lost my mind. And now that I am back to being single, I have been returned to myself and my true wants and needs and feelings. My only hope is keep working so I can afford to stick them in camp or after school care so I can be free of them as much as possible before my head explodes.
This blog is amazing!. Your dig deeper section hits the nail on the head!!. I realize now that I really need to seek help. I haven’t in the past because I thought I didn’t have time for counseling. I know now that I need to make time for my own mental and personal health. Thank you so much for sharing your post!!
I’m glad this helped. I hope you find the help you need to enjoy motherhood more.
Except you are meant to be available to your kids 24/7 and are supposed to treat it as a full time career. Unless, there is significant financial hardship than you are being selfish if you choose to work rather than treat raising thr next gen as a full time career choice and to give it the same attention if not more to it. That is my biggest problem, I would rather be at work than spending time with childcare. I’d rather be working at a Starbucks than sitting bored out of my mind at a park with kiddo. I would rather workm. Than be home. I wish he was somebody elses kid that I could visit occasionally. :'(
I’m so very glad to have found this article, and this thread of comments. I hate being a mother, I can’t even fake it. I never wanted to be a mother, and now that I am I just want a way out. I feel so guilty and selfish but I know my son will pick up on it if he hasn’t already. I love him so much but this life isn’t for me.
Rin I’ve been trying my ass off to get another job that has more hours I know exactly what you’re saying! I hate playgrounds! I’ve had some of my lowest, loneliest moments at playgrounds sitting by myself and having no one to talk to or relate to. The worst.
I dream About getting a job so I dont Have to sit home with the kids. They drive me nuts. All they do is fight. I canNot stand their voices for more than a few hours at a time. I want To be one of those moms who drops the kids off and lets someone else do the hard stuff – the feeding the homework the playing. I want To pick them up at the end of the day, stick them in the tub, and shove them in bed. Working parents have it made.
But what if you’re drowning and have no time or money to get professional help??? I’m tired of that being everyone’s advice. It’s not possible for me. So I guess I’m a hopeless, horrible mother.
No because none of us are horrible mothers. Getting professional help is a big problem where I live too because it is wildly expensive & not available when you need it. Please don’t give up. It’s all temporary, I promise you.
I hate being a mother. I have 5yo twins. I’m single. I have no help. I get so fucking tired of reading help posts that say
– take a break – single parents don’t have that option without help
– put them in childcare – my career is in ruins and I can barely make ends meet as it is
The other thing that annoys me is people telling me to cherish them because they grow up. That might be true when I look back but at the moment I’m fucking looking forward to school starting because I need a fucking break, I want to go to the toilet alone, I want to shower alone, I want to sit and read a book alone, I want to have a meal without getting up forty bloody times to get drinks or toilet eg , I want to sit and have an adult conversation without interruption – but of course all my “friends” pissed of 6 months after the kids were born.
I want to be a person again – not someone’s mother as how I’m defined.
Wow it’s like you’re inside my brain. Except my “friends” disappeared about 10 months – 1 year after we had a baby. My marriage has changed so much it is no longer salvageable. I’m isolated and can’t get a decent job. Nobody tells you the truth about what it’s really like having kids. Therefore people don’t question it and just do it. Madness.
I hate being a mother.
Why 1? My oldest…
I hate being a mother because my relationship with my daughter is horrible.
Why 2? Because she is super needy.
I hate having a needy daughter.
Why 3? Because I didn’t expect it, it doesn’t fit my mental fantasy of “my best life.”
I hate being a mother because my fantasy and reality don’t match.
Why 4? I am having difficulty letting my dream for a peaceful family die.
I hate being a mother because I don’t enjoy fiery temperaments and my daughter has one. (I also have a calm one and we are fine.)
Why 5? My mom had a fiery temperament and abused me a lot. I’m mostly terrified of those people, I would love to live with only calm people the rest of my life. It’s really an unwanted challenge and unwelcome level of difficulty that I struggle to re-frame as an opportunity, it really means that “I can’t live my best life” as that would be a calm life and my daughter is bubbly or volatile either way shattering the calm that gives me space to breathe.
I’ve come to hate checking in, because when I check in what I find is ugly and after 4.5 years of optimism, the optimism is running really low. It’s beginning to feel like a solitaire game with no more chance of winning. I’ve started counting the years until I can leave the family 13.5 to go… that’s kind of sad and kind of ugly, but if I do check in with myself that is where I am. When the other players in our family don’t agree to do what would make life livable for me no amount of introspection or communication or mental redecoration is shifting the reality. If feels like a bad marriage, but between my child and I rather than my spouse and I. I was guilty for so long, tried so hard to fix it, read tons of books, did classes, but I think it may be a non-winnable situation. I can’t enjoy living with such a loud vivacious person and she can’t not be like that, it’s like Bert and Ernie but on steroids. I feel like I’m in a hole to deep to climb out of, not going to do anything drastic, but can’t even imagine enjoying living together when she gets older any more. I don’t think it will work as long as she is her and I am me. I worked on changing me for many years and ultimately I don’t know if that is fair. I don’t know if it’s change or destiny that puts people together who are not able to find a way to enjoy life together. I don’t know if all mothers go through needing to put more distance between their children’s desires for attention and service as they grow or just me, but I know for me, the more I give, the less healthy I am, I can’t “lean in more” and “embrace the chaos” without getting ill, being impatient and hating life. Motherhood didn’t “change me” to someone who doesn’t need calm. To me the parenting glass is half full of bullsh*t.?
I feel the exact same way… Im crying at work right now as i type this because of how true your comment is and how sad i feel thinking this. Thank you for sharing
Thank god for this blog