Today I remembered why I started blogging and why I blogged so prolifically for so long.
Having just exited a marriage, I no longer had anyone to talk to. Noone to share the random daily musings and thoughts with, so I poured these into the blog. Not just the blog, but also Kidspot Social, which no longer exists, but both were major lifesavers to me at the time.
After a while, I got a bit shy, because I was worried about who might be reading here and what they might do as a result. After coming to Ballarat, I was lucky enough to grow some wonderful networks and develop relationships with people I could talk to fairly regularly, so the need to blog regularly diminished.
However, after three months of lockdown and no longer being able to have coffees with people, I am again finding myself really frustrated at not being able to share the daily thoughts and feelings that come with living.
My kids aren’t interested in talking to me or even listening to me, so unless I were to post on Facebook every hour, I don’t really have an outlet. Maybe it’s also a life stage thing, that I suddenly want to share all my banal thoughts and feelings again.
I’ve been alone for 11 and a half years now and while I am used to it, I am not used to not having anyone to talk to. That will always be a huge gap in my life. I am happy to spend the rest of my life alone, but I would like to have a way to empty my head on a regular basis.
I have booked myself in to see my psychologist the week after next, so that will help, and while COVID restrictions have been eased, I haven’t found anyone who wants to have coffee with me yet. Everyone appears to be feeling extra cautious. I will take myself out for a coffee next week, just for the pleasure of it, but it would be nice to go with someone.
Who knows, maybe this will mean I will pour my hear out more here, like I used to? Maybe all these unspoken thoughts will become written words again and maybe I’ll feel inspired to write for other publications, too.
It makes me wonder though, why do I have this need to share my random thoughts? I am, after all, an introvert and am quite happy with my own company. But I do want to be heard. I feel like I spent such a large chunk of my life not having a voice, being stifled by my parents, that once I reached adulthood and stopped being scared you could not shut me up.
Ever since I can remember I wanted someone to talk to. First a sibling, then a boyfriend. Best friends fulfilled that role when I had them, but I was super lonely when I didn’t have one. I did eventually get a younger sister, but she was 14 years younger than me, so not much use as a confidant. It wasn’t until she was 16 that I was able to talk to her and even then I probably dumped way too much grown-up stuff on her poor adolescent mind.
After my husband left me I realised I have a codependent personality and tend to form codependent relationships. It’s been incredibly good for me to be alone and to learn to survive on my own. I no longer depend on anyone else for anything. Except for listening to me and frankly, anyone will do, which is why blogging comes so easily at those times.
I’ve been super lucky to find such a supportive audience here on my blog, except for the one or two bad apples who visit here to see what dirt they can find on me and to make stupid comments.
From day one, you’ve been incredibly sympathetic and full of advice even when you couldn’t identify with what I was going through. I don’t know what I would have done without all the women back on Kidspot Social who were so supportive when I first wrote about my ex’s involvement with a 15 yo girl. Thank you!
So maybe you’ll start seeing more of me here if this chattering mind of mine doesn’t stop and I don’t get out and about with my friends. I have a whole weekend ahead of me with just the kids and I might just go crazy.
Now tell me about you. Do you have the need to share every inane thought with someone nearby? How do you cope when there is no-one around?