It’s a dangerous title, one that could bring me lots of hate mail and lots of google searches from unhappy parents. It’s happened before. “I hate being a mother/mum/mom” is what brings most people to this blog. Yet, it is what it is – this is where I’m at today and for that I won’t apologise.
I’m having one of those “I wish I didn’t have kids” days.
As I read about childless friends hawing a lazy, relaxed long weekend, I resent my constant need to be “on call”. I want to be lazy and relax, too, but I don’t even know how with the boys around. Wherever I look there are things that need to be done – dirty clothes to be washed, clean ones to be folded, floors to be mopped, lunches to be made, shopping, dinner and on and on it goes.
I don’t even know what I enjoy doing any more, other than going out on my own. I miss child-free time. I miss having space to do my own things. My office is cluttered with clothes and toys to be sold or given away, all my surfaces covered with crap. I need to declutter again and this becomes yet another “should”.
It’s not even that I’m angry at them, I’m just so tired of the shenanigans. Same thing – day in, day out. The never ending requests for computer time, TV and food.
The sun is out today. Thank all the deities!
The boys are actually amusing themselves outside with cricket balls and bats, since I banned screen time indefinitely.
I’d love to sit down with a glass of red and watch a DVD that’s been sitting on my kitchen bench for six weeks. There just isn’t time. I can’t use the big TV with the DVD player in the evenings, because my older son insists on sleeping with his door open and hears everything. I can’t venture into the kitchen after his bedtime, for fear of waking him up. And when he does close his door it’s to read past his bedtime or play the DS. I can’t win.
It feels like my life doesn’t belong to me any more. I’m at the mercy of the children, trapped and befuddled.
(At this point I should write a long paragraph about how much I love my children, just so you don’t think me a heartless bitch, but if you’ve been here before, you should already know what’s what.)
In the meantime, I’ll keep feeling resentful for a while, then get on with it, like I always do.