It’s a dangerous title, one that could bring me lots of hate mail and lots of google searches from unhappy parents. It’s happened before. “I hate being a mother/mum/mom” is what brings most people to this blog. Yet, it is what it is – this is where I’m at today and for that I won’t apologise.
I’m having one of those “I wish I didn’t have kids” days.
As I read about childless friends hawing a lazy, relaxed long weekend, I resent my constant need to be “on call”. I want to be lazy and relax, too, but I don’t even know how with the boys around. Wherever I look there are things that need to be done – dirty clothes to be washed, clean ones to be folded, floors to be mopped, lunches to be made, shopping, dinner and on and on it goes.
I don’t even know what I enjoy doing any more, other than going out on my own. I miss child-free time. I miss having space to do my own things. My office is cluttered with clothes and toys to be sold or given away, all my surfaces covered with crap. I need to declutter again and this becomes yet another “should”.
It’s not even that I’m angry at them, I’m just so tired of the shenanigans. Same thing – day in, day out. The never ending requests for computer time, TV and food.
The sun is out today. Thank all the deities!
The boys are actually amusing themselves outside with cricket balls and bats, since I banned screen time indefinitely.
I’d love to sit down with a glass of red and watch a DVD that’s been sitting on my kitchen bench for six weeks. There just isn’t time. I can’t use the big TV with the DVD player in the evenings, because my older son insists on sleeping with his door open and hears everything. I can’t venture into the kitchen after his bedtime, for fear of waking him up. And when he does close his door it’s to read past his bedtime or play the DS. I can’t win.
It feels like my life doesn’t belong to me any more. I’m at the mercy of the children, trapped and befuddled.
(At this point I should write a long paragraph about how much I love my children, just so you don’t think me a heartless bitch, but if you’ve been here before, you should already know what’s what.)
In the meantime, I’ll keep feeling resentful for a while, then get on with it, like I always do.
Do you have “I wish I didn’t have kids” moments? How do you handle them?
hell yeah. a lot. Tonight, let him close his door and read or whatever. drink the wine and watch the DVD. you need it and deserve it.
As I was writing this post, I realised just how much I am ruled by the kids needs and that it needed to stop. Sadly, I have no wine, but I do have vodka. Let the DVD watching begin!
Goodness! I would definitely do what YOU want to do after bed. Watch your movie, let him close the door and play his music so he cant hear the TV. Go into the kitchen, if he wakes up he will go back to sleep. Try and remember who is the adult in the house lovely. Re-assert yourself and take back some me-time, at least in the evenings when they are in bed. Hear me ROAR!!
xxx
Yes, I need to do this, or I’ll go crazy. The kids are way too much in charge of some aspects of our lives.
I read this, thinking how lovely it is that it has been years since I felt this trapped.
Then I considered just how much help I had teaching my darling Daughter that I needed time to myself. A whole community circus’ worth of help.
Start small, with letting the boys know you are a person with needs yourself. Make them specific, like watching a DVD. I think mine was wanting an hour to play my own music and to be able to sing and dance to it for that hour without interruption. (Not that I don’t love Paul Jamison, but the Silver Balloon can only go Up, up, up so many times before I make the cd go up, up up!)
Good luck!
Ironically, I had thought I was so good at looking after myself first, before the children. Yet looking at today, I realise that my whole life is built around them and I resent it. I hope I can figure out a few more tricks so that it’s more about me.
I’ve been having this feeling for the last couple of weeks. Kids are relentless. The worst I feel the more Ned jumps on me, clings to me, driving me further into insanity. He is well meaning and I love him more than words can say and I don’t really wish I didn’t have a child. Thankfully I have a great family who have all gone away for the weekend and left me on my own for four days so I can recharge my batteries. I just hope by the time they come home I will be more stable again and loving being a parent again.
Hope you find your mum mojo again soon too.
V.
I honestly do wish I was child-free some days. I don’t get the whole “awww, but at least you have the boys” thing that people comfort me with. It’s “No, if I never met the man and not have had his children, I would have been better off, even though childless.” To me, my kids are not a consolation prize, they just are and they are relentless. Though I would never wish them away, having known them.
There are certainly days when I feel like this too. Kids can be endlessly demanding, not just themselves but also all the stuff that needs doing around them.
But I think it’s critical that they respect us as another person in the house and not just ‘Mum’. So it’s important you take time for yourself and say to hell with them, I’m going to do what I want to do! The more they hear it, they’ll get used to it and respect it. At the end of the day, they are fed and warm and safe, you’ve done your job, now it’s your time. Evenings are my absolute cherished time and I’ll do anything to get the little monsters into bed so I can chillax with a glass of wine and whatever I want to watch on tv. If I don’t have some me time, I just get cranky with everyone. And then I can’t enjoy being a mother.
The kids have been encroaching more and more on my evening time, to the point where one of them would still be awake at my own bed time, which made me feel like I haven’t had any time to myself at all. Today, I closed his door at 8 and told him he’ll just have to deal with it, as I’m watching a grown up movie. Amazingly, it’s the quickest he’s fallen asleep in ages.
It’s funny, the last few days I have had this exact feeling. Not so much the I wish I didn’t have kids but I was ready yesterday to just walk out. I have an almost 2 year old who only wants Dad (sounds not that bad but all day every day he only wants me for food!) and a 3 year old who constantly talks and asks questions (Why, why, why). Love them both but felt like I haven’t had a break and it just gets on top of you. Well today, I took myself to the shops. I even (shhhh don’t tell anyone 😉 ) sat in my car for about 20 mins before coming home, just so I could have a little break. Run day tomorrow so will be good to have some “me” time! Hope you get your “me” time soon x
Good on you for taking the time, even to sit in the car.
I finally watched my DVD last night and the bedroom door stayed closed. I felt so much more in control and relaxed after an evening truly to myself.
I have know doubt at all that you love your boys. Motherhood is the hardest job IN THE WORLD… because there is no rest. And even less so when you do it alone. I am slowly learning that looking after myself better is one of the keys to being a better parent. I only wish I’d understood that 9 years ago (slow learner). Hope the DVD was awesome 🙂
The DVD, “Black Swan”, was fab. I loved taking back control of the lounge room at night.
I swear I feel like this at least one time EVERY day – I miss the quiet, I miss not having to answer a million questions, the fact that I can’t sit somewhere without a child finding me. The fights, the crying, the having to dress, change and feed three kids day in and day out! I hope you get some peace soon (yeah right!) Em
I’ve made some small changes to our daily routine and things are better. I still miss child-free times though….
We just went out for lunch then strolled thru the magnum exhibition and the rose garden where we got married. Lovely, civilised, romantic, right? Wrong! Most of it was listening to complaints or me telling everyone to be quiet & not ruin it for everyone around us. So needless to say, I hear ya, sister! 😉 but we also talked that soon enough our eldest would move out, and that makes us sad, so we’d better treasure the chaos…
I can’t wait for mine to leave home, but I’ll bet that when they do, I’ll be an emotional wreck…
Yep I sure do. Today in fact, is one of them days.
I’ve soaked up the past two days reading a couple of books because I just needed some space to myself. It didn’t stop the constant “Muuuuummmm!” being called, or the never ending things I had to do. But every moment I could I sank into my books. I just *had* to.
MC xxx
Books are great for escaping, aren’t then? I’ve began reading out in the family room, so at least I’m with the kids, instead of hiding from them like I used to.
I truly appreciate your honesty in this post Dorothy. I hope you can reclaim some time at night and start rediscovering yourself again. Much easier said than done but I do hope small steps in the right direction will help you out in the long term.
The nights are mine again, no more kids wondering around until all hours. And they’re even falling asleep easier and quicker.
Dorothy, I am sure you will reclaim your “me”time back. We actually (by chance) have separated the front of our house into the adults/parents tv room once the kids are in bed and the other games room for the kids. The kids aren’t allowed in our space. If I need me time, I go to bed half an hour earlier and read. I have 3 boys (5 & under) but I understand the feeling of being consumed by them and struggling with everyone wanting your attention.
I miss the days when I had a kids’ end and a parents’ end of the house. Life was much nicer then. For now, I’ve began shutting the 10 yo’s door every evening, so I don’t feel like a prisoner in my bedroom.
I feel this way often. Very often. I lust after my (extraordinarily wasted) child-free days. If I could go back and not have kids, I would in a heartbeat. There are some glimmers of good here and there, but for the most part, it’s nothing but exhaustion and frustration. It’s a thankless job without any real payoff.
What I’m saying is, I get it. I don’t know how to fix it, but I get it. Hang in there – that’s all you can do.
I know what you mean, Emily. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have had children either. Now that they are here, I’m hanging on for dear life
I think a lot of people have days like these. I hope you’ve managed to get that door shut! Thanks for Rewinding.
That door is staying shut every evening now. It’s bliss!
I handled this by not having kids. I’m happy to be the cool uncle, I get to take them through the McDonalds drive through, make paper planes with them – all the fun stuff. When it’s time – they can piss off and I can go back to living a life of awesome. They also don’t hate me.
I can’t stand my kids. I now have 3. I always thought I wanted kids. I despise people who abandon their kids and their spouses. But the last few years, I completely understand it. I can’t work like I used to. I’m expected to change everything about my life, my career, my goals. Biggest mistake of my life. My life with my wife has deteriorated into basically a hired hand. Its just the reality of having children. It sucks and all you can do is live through it. If you are single, don’t have kids. Its not worth it. I hate them and myself.
I’m sorry you feel that way, Michael. I’d suggest you find someone to talk about this with. I don’t necessarily enjoy parenting, but I love my kids. My life is sure different now, but so much better than it used to be. You might find this post useful – https://www.ablogofherown.com/i-hate-being-a-mother-a-five-step-rescue-plan/ Good luck!
I have two boys, ones 4 and the other is 1. I am a stay at home mom currently and I used to think becoming one would help my stress as a mother…it hasn’t. Its worse because now I’ve realized how big of a mistake to have kids before I was ready is! My fiance (these boys are not his BTW) constantly wants alone time with me and sometimes I wonder if he regrets getting engaged to someone with kids. I feel like if I didn’t have kids at all he would love me more. My mother puts pressure on me about their well being and always makes snide comments about 20 year olds having children. I feel guilty all the time because of my resentment towards my boys. I could keep going on and on but I’m glad I found this post and others like it…I don’t feel like such a monster now.
My niece told me she hates being a Mother. Is there anything you wish people said or did to help you? I am unsure how to help my niece. Thank you.
Hi Trish, thanks for reaching out. Read this post: https://www.ablogofherown.com/i-hate-being-a-mother-a-five-step-rescue-plan/ for ideas on how to help your niece, or how she can help herself. The most important thing for me at the time was feeling that I was being heard and that I was not alone, which is why I wrote about this feeling. Getting comments from mums who felt the same was so very helpful. Mayve show her the posts so she knows that she is not alone and that there are things she can do to help herself.
I am currently in the military, I also started a business and taking classes. I have 2 children (2 & 10 mo) My husband works third shift, so as soon as I get home a 10 month old is shoved in my hands and hungry for breast milk, I dont even get to take off my yucky uniform. my husband then goes to bed to sleep for work while i fight off a 2 year old trying to drag my youngest out of my arms because he is jealous. then while holding my youngest, i cook clean and play with them. when bed time comes around i struggle to get my boys to sleep. its finally 11pm and i have to up at 5am and i still have to maintain my business. when im done with that its 1230 i haven’t showered, barely ate or checked in with my mental health. I pass out in my bed filthy, tired and guilty. I never see my husband. it feels like im a single mom that lives with a roommate that makes a mess and doesn’t clean up after himself or appreciate that i do everything. I hate being a mom, I love my children but I feel like my life is ruined and my career destroyed. I dont know what to do….
I feel this post so much. As a single mother who is trying to maintain a relationship with my child and another with a potential life partner, plus work full time in healthcare while my son does distance learning from home… Uggh… There just isn’t enough of anything. Not enough time, energy, money, patience…. I have a very social child who needs to get his high energy out and I’m the exact opposite. He pushes my buttons everyday and everyone around us. My romantic relationship is falling apart because of my child. No one I know wants kids and for good reason once they hear my horror stories from home. I honestly do wish I had never chosen to become a mother and I feel like I was pressured into from my mother who vowed to never speak to me again if I got an abortion. My life is not mine and I have that up when I was 23. Now, 6 years later, I can’t stand dealing with this tiny human who takes everything and gives nothing. I want my own life back to live.