A blog of her own

Telling it like it is

  • Home
  • Start Here
  • About
  • Share your story
  • Hire Me
    • Speaking
  • Privacy
  • Contact

I’m not OK

15 July 2020 By Dorothy 3 Comments

I just threw the cat out of my carpeted room out into the hallway, in time for her barf on the floorboards there. That’s winning for you.

Now I’ve got to clean up the incredibly liquidy green mess she left behind while feeling grateful that I don’t have to soak it out of my carpet. As if my bedroom carpet wasn’t disgusting enough with all the stains left behind from old vomit puddles.

This is what my life feels like right now – an old carpet covered in vomit stains. I need someone to take a pressure cleaner to it and get rid of all the stains. The financial dread, the single parenting, the failing car, the dirty house, the overgrown garden, the fucked up brain. I have so had enough.

I’m not coping with the everyday. I spent all of yesterday in bed watching dog grooming videos on my kids’ old iPad. Yes, I should be grateful I even have an iPad, but I am beyond gratitude as a coping strategy.

I could have gone to the beach today, which probably might have helped, but my kid is home with a painful ingrown toenail and I’ve got to take him to the podiatrist in half an hour.

At least, it’s sunny. I don’t think I could have survived another miserable gloomy Ballarat winter’s day without a bottle of wine in me.

Alcohol makes me feel worse, I’ve figured that bit out by now, so I don’t drink a lot any more. Not that I ever did. Other people tried to tell me I did, but my inbuilt alcohol intake management mechanism (otherwise known as migraines and headaches) made sure that I only ever drank moderately. Now I drink socially, or a few sips of wine before dinner.

I’m so sick of carrying this burden on my own. Not having anyone to talk to. Not having anyone to care. Everyone else is too busy with their own lives to care about mine. In the end we’re all alone and we can only ever rely on ourselves. I’ve given up caring, too, except for my kids. I still make sure they are fed and clothed and their emotional needs and stresses are taken care of. I do the best I can.

But I can’t care about anyone else. My dad has acute leukemia, but after the initial shock about the news and the chemo and potential life expectancy, I realised I don’t care whether he lives or dies. My mum is shouldering all of the burden of his illness alone, with some support from my sister, she doesn’t want my help and that’s fine, I have nothing to give. They taught me to be emotionally self-sufficient and provided little emotional support throughout my life, so I mostly am. I break every now and again, but mostly I manage fine.

Right now I’m broken, but it will pass. I will find my balance again.

My life feels empty. There is little goodness or joy in it and I don’t know where to get it. Most of my joy used to come from family, the four of us, moments of all four of us having an excellent time, all together. Other moments came from travel, or dancing. I can’t afford travel and my body feels too stiff and heavy to move these days. And it’s sooooo cold!

I do have those moments of joy as a family of three, but they are few and far between these days. The teenagers spend most of their time in their rooms playing video games and aren’t that great at conversation at dinner time. Maybe I’m not, either. It’s hard to be a great conversationalist when the black dog is constantly at your heels.

But, some good news. Today I took my youngest to the podiatrist to deal with an ongoing ingrown toenail which was bothering him so much this morning that he couldn’t put a sock on. It cost money, but he got immediate relief and it felt like a parenting win.

Then, I took him out to lunch to celebrate, where I had a delicious glass of prosecco and afterwards we went bed shopping for him. Thanks to the Family Tax Benefit supplement which I got paid today, he will have a new, bigger, bed delivered in four weeks.

Also, for myself, I just bought the Figure 8 body fitness program, which I assume are DVDs and I don’t know how long they’ll take, but it will get me both moving and dancing again.

So, I am doing positive things to get myself out of this funk. I am seeing my psychologist tomorrow, which will help and I think I need to start journaling again, to stop the rumination in my head. I wish I was near the beach, which I know helps me enormously with my mood, but I don’t particularly want to drive for over an hour to get a dose of vitamin sea (isn’t that awful pun?)

I’m going to organise a cleaner to deal with the house and I’ve just emailed my lawn mower man to see if he can do my weeding.

I’m also in the process of getting an early withdrawal of my super funds to help me buy a newer car.

So, you see, I am dealing with the shitty things that comprise my life right now. Even when I’m in a dark hole, I function and fix things. This is what a high functioning depressive looks like. And yet, if you looked inside my head you would see nothing but blackness and despair.

Do you think it’s too much to ask for somebody to care about me? To care how I am? Because right now I don’t think anyone does and I don’t even know whether expecting for someone to care is normal.

I know I said above that I don’t care about other people right now, but normally, I do care. I do care when someone is having a hard time and I reach out to them. Not always, but when I feel able, I do. Maybe most people just don’t feel able. Maybe we are all drowning under unimaginable burdens and just can’t be there for each other. Maybe life is too hard for all of us.

Is life hard for you?


signature

If you liked this, share:

  • Print
  • Email
  • Tweet

Related

Previous Post Next Post

I've been blogging since 2008 and I do it because it keeps me sane.If I didn't blog, my head would explode. If you like your blogs sugar-coated and pretty looking then this is not for you. I write about life as a solo parent dealing with mental illness and recovering from long term emotional abuse. I live with two boy-children and three cats and I like wine. A lot.

Comments

  1. anita lemaire says

    15 July 2020 at 5:21 pm

    Hi Dorothy I’m sorry you are lost in darkness right now. I’m listening. I hear you. Yours is one of the few blogs I read and I always read right to the end. I know what you write will be real even if it makes me uncomfortable or challenge me in different ways. I’m glad you have the financial capacity to take some of the pressure off right now and I hope you find your way to the beach soon. And I loved your pun “dose of vitamin sea’ and I think t deserves a blog of its own. I am in inner Melbourne and the sea feels so very far away.

    Reply
    • Sky K says

      15 July 2020 at 5:35 pm

      Hi Dorothy,

      I know how you feel ?.
      Although I am not a mother.
      I’d kill to have children of my own right now to help some with the lonliness.
      I’m single and don’t have any friends at the moment. No one has checked on me since this pandemic which is telling and depressing.
      I live with my immediate family currently but only out of necessity of having to leave my toxic live in ex boyfriend a few months before Corona happened. I get along with my brother but living with my mother and two sisters (one who is a mentally ill adult) who I don’t see eye to eye with – is testing me beyond words.
      It’s hard.
      But the thing that keeps me going and having some hope is that my emotions or my personal situation nor the pandemic will last forever.
      It’s kinda comforting to know I’m not the only one struggling right now so know you’re not alone and tho I don’t know you at all – I do care that feel better slowly but surely.

      God bless and stay safe!

      ☺️

      Reply
  2. mel146 says

    15 July 2020 at 9:20 pm

    I’m here xx

    Reply

I love comments! Cancel reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

About Me

I am a truth talker, opinion owner, feminist, solo parent, business owner and cat minion.

I write about whatever's in my head, because it's cheaper, and more effective, than therapy.

Support my blog

Become a Patron!

Join me on Facebook

Join me on Facebook

Follow me on Twitter

Follow me!

I use and recommend

Web Hosting

Most Popular

  • I hate being a mother - a five step rescue plan
    I hate being a mother - a five step rescue plan
  • Where's the KABOOM?
    Where's the KABOOM?
  • My kids make me anxious
    My kids make me anxious
  • 5 Reasons Why Bunk Beds Suck
    5 Reasons Why Bunk Beds Suck
  • Dorothy's Table: Polish pork rissoles
    Dorothy's Table: Polish pork rissoles

My Instagram

Pav for a BBQ I'm going to in a bit. One day I mig Pav for a BBQ I'm going to in a bit. One day I might even make one from scratch like @cateppics
Sam and I went to see a couple of houses in Geelon Sam and I went to see a couple of houses in Geelong today and in between we visited Eastern Beach. It's like a little St Kilda, without the cake shops. Or at least we didn't find any.

This house hunting business is exhausting, when you have to travel so far. Three more trips next week. At least Sam is proving to be a fun companion.
Said goodbye to this old dear today. In our family Said goodbye to this old dear today. In our family since my older son was born. Drove him home from the hospital in it  pretty much straight from the showroom.

It stopped being reliable for me a while ago, due to lack of care, due to lack of money. Now off to another family and another life.
3 generations. Christmas 2020. 3 generations. Christmas 2020.
Two key ingredients for poppyseed strudel -a Polis Two key ingredients for poppyseed strudel -a Polish Christmas tradition. Poppyseed stuffing and the dough, ready to rise.

What are your must have Christmas foods?

Michael Buble is playing in the background.  Christmas how I like it.

#christmas #polishcooking #polishchristmas #makowiec #christmastraditions #christmasfood #polishchristmasfood
New Post on the blog. All the tropes that we love New Post on the blog. All the tropes that we love and that aren't true. Life is no fairy tale with a happy ending. Link in profile.

#ablogofherown #newpost #aussiebloggers #personalblogging
Job interview selfie. Put on lipstick and then rea Job interview selfie. Put on lipstick and then realised I'd be wearing a mask. Luckily got to take mask of for interview. Think it went well. Wish me luck!
Eggs and bacon for dinner because we have an overs Eggs and bacon for dinner because we have an oversupply of bacon. Also, exhausted. 

#breskfastfordinner #eggsandbacon #eggs
Follow on Instagram

More on…

  • ASD (7)
  • Blogging (44)
  • Children (43)
  • Domestic Violence (14)
  • Feminism (1)
  • Life (95)
  • Mental Health (163)
  • Recipe (2)
  • Reviews & Giveaways (17)
  • Sole Parenting (439)
  • Travel (10)
  • Uncategorized (18)

Subscribe via Email

Enter your email address to receive new posts in your inbox.

I learnt to run with…

Copyright 2020 A blog of her own. Designed by Dorothy K Consulting
loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.