Do you have words or phrases that haunt you?
Something someone had uttered years ago that has stayed with you and still has an effect on your life today?
I have one word – “stunning”.
I wasn’t stunning enough for the boyfriend who broke my heart back in the 90s, in fact, I just wasn’t enough to warrant the adjective.
He described his previous girlfriend, a model, as stunning, and told me that while I was beautiful, I just wasn’t “stunning”.
This never changed over the life of our 3 year relationship and it is a word that has had a huge influence on my body image over the years.
My body image was screwed up enough by the time we met, having been called “fat” as a perfectly shaped 7 year old, by boys in my classroom, especially during PE. I just wasn’t as agile and strong as most of the others and could not do some things that they could do.
As a teenager I agonised over my chunky thighs, but I just simply have that body type, the one where you never have a thigh gap, not even as a size 10. And I was never even tempted to starve myself. Clearly, not reading teen magazines had saved me from not over-obsessing over my body. Or something did. I’ve always liked my food, but have always eaten healthily, despite a ginormous sweet tooth, thanks for my mum’s cooking. We didn’t eat processed foods or take aways, and even though I still eat like that, the weight piled on in my 30s as a result of anti-depressants.
But back to “stunning”.
I didn’t realise until today how much that has stuck with me. A week doesn’t go by when I don’t remember that slight – his withholding of that word, and finally today I realised that that was abuse, too. I might have loved him and been ridiculously happy, but I was also constantly anxious. I always felt that I wasn’t good enough for him and was convinced that he was going to break it off with me, like he later did.
Even when we got together it felt like a fairytale, because I felt I was so far beneath him. He made me feel like Cinderella, raised up from a lowly floor-scrubbing maid to a princess. He was good looking, rich and had his own brand new car, at 18. I was totally smitten and didn’t give a thought to how he was contributing to my poor self-image. In fact, when I was with him, I felt beautiful, but only then. As if his regard bestowed beauty upon me. And then when he broke up with me, I felt that I just wasn’t good enough and that he wanted to find somebody better. Somebody “stunning”.
If only we taught girls that they deserve respect from everyone around them, especially those who profess to love us. If only we taught them what is and isn’t OK to say and do to them. I know I’m not the only one who accepted below par behaviour and words from the men who supposedly love us, just so I wouldn’t be alone. I didn’t, and still don’t, believe that I am deserving of being treated with respect. I look at my overweight body now and know that I will never be “stunning” to anyone.
I don’t know how I can possibly find love again, looking the way I do. Even though I know of others who have. And that whisper of not “stunning” runs through my mind after all these years.
What about you? Is there a word or phrase that someone once said that still haunts you?
Also published on Medium.
Dear Dorothy, great to read your writing again! As for words which harm us yes I have some memories too. My words are “piggy” or “porky” and they were uttered by my father. I was never overweight as a child nor a teen but he used these words as some kind of “power” I guess. He was brought up to abhore fatness in people I surmise and with a very judgmental mother. I have listened to him judge people by size for the last 68 years. At some stage in the most recent years I have told him of their hurt. In fact I hardly hear him say that anymore.
I am so sorry this happened to you but certainly do not see it as needing to have this hold on you either.
You are a very intelligent woman and I believe there will be someone who sees THAT as being more important than “looks”.
My link up is open tomorrow if you would like to add your post. Can be on or off prompt! More people should read your blog!
Denyse x
Thanks for reading, Denyse. Words can be so hurtful, can’t they? I’m glad you were able to tell your dad about the effect his words had had on you and others. My dad used to comment on my weight back in my 30s, but thankfully gave up somewhere along the way. He now comments on other’s and doesn’t even realise how that makes me feel.
So glad you linked up. This post is bound to be of interest I am guessing. I ignore dad or I call him out when he is overly judgemental about anything these days and he backtracks. It’s only taken…around 66 years of my 68!! Thank you for joining in #lifethisweek 6/52. Next week’s optional prompt is “Who’s a Worrier?”.
I’m kind of glad my memory is fading or my attitude and self compassion, especially towards slights has evolved as I’ve gotten older. I come from a rather dysfunctional extended family and was always the black sheep of the family. I think moving away and having a hubby that treats me well, even if his family don’t helps. I’m still a work in progress. Years of hurt will do that. Thinking of you. If you get a chance pop over and read an article on Self Compassion from Jess (A Confident Life).