So some stuff happened the other day that pushed all my buttons and woke up the raging dragon of hate and anger that sleeps coiled within my heart. And I realised just how much energy this dragon was draining, even when sleeping. I have become used to looking away from it, pushing it back down into its cavern and quickly thinking of something else when it threatened to wake up.
At the end of this particular day, I just wanted this constant battle to end. I saw signs everywhere telling me to let those old feelings go and free my heart from the heaviness and pain.
As I lay in bed that night, I allowed myself to look those feelings full in the face. I concentrated on them and magnified them until they were everything that I could feel. I watched them grow until they could grow no more and then I watched them shrink into nothing.
It’s a process that my friend Anne taught me. It’s been keeping me open hearted and positive for at least two months and if you want to learn it then subscribe to Anne’s mailing list and attend one of her free OMM sessions.
I woke up the next morning happy and smiling. I felt around for the cause of my negativity and it barely raised a niggle and certainly not the fully fledged descent into self-pity and hatred. And the only words I could think of were: Let it go.
I let go of the self-loathing and disgust I’ve felt whenever I’ve thought of how I allowed you into my life, my family and my body. I will no longer feel violated whenever I think of the past, or encounter you in some form in the present.
I let go of the guilt about all the decisions I made that kept you in my life. All those times that I should have let you go, but, against my better judgement, ignored your failings and saw only the good in you.
I let go of feeling stupid for staying with you so long and allowing you to abuse me through your lies and manipulations. You told my friends and family that I was unstable and unable to look after my children, when in fact it was you who caused me to doubt myself and made me think the world would be better off without me. Yes, it is possible to drive someone to their death and you nearly succeeded. Twice.
I let go of my anger at your pretensions and self-delusions. It is your friends’ and family’s lives you’re screwing up and this is no longer any of my business.
I let go of all my feelings about you. You are an insignificant fact of life, that has no bearing on mine.
I will no longer wallow in self-pity, or think of myself as a victim, or even a survivor, of abuse. I am me. Mum, friend, sister, daughter, entrepreneur, writer.
I am making my own destiny, listening to my heart and opening it to the bounty of the universe.
You no longer matter.
And if the dragon creeps back into my heart, I will stare it down and watch it disintegrate into nothing.