A blog of her own

Telling it like it is

  • Home
  • Start Here
  • About
  • Share your story
  • Hire Me
    • Speaking
  • Privacy
  • Contact

Life is hard

24 January 2021 By Dorothy 2 Comments

Things feel so hard right now. And yet they could turn on a dime.

Tomorrow I might get a job offer. Or even two. One would mean we move, the other we stay.

It’s been impossible to get a rental in Geelong because I don’t have a job. Not even offers of 3 months’ rent upfront have been enough to get us a place. 30 – 50 people turn up at open for inspections – the rental market is so incredibly tight.

My ability to cope ran out yesterday, after my 18 year old had an autistic shut down during dinner out with his grandparents for his birthday. I should have known better than to take him somewhere new. Somewhere so noisy with an unfamiliar menu. I forget that he’s autistic sometimes, he seems to cope so well normally. We live our small life so that it caters for both our autistic and anxious needs, but I forgot yesterday. And then I let it all overwhelm me.

I slept for 14 hours last night. Woke up just before 2 pm when it got too hot to sleep. I heard the 18 yo leave the house around 7 or 8 am to go for a run because he’d been awake for 36 hours. He still hasn’t applied for his TAFE course. He can’t cope with the cantankerous online application system and the writing required in the application.

I successfully applied for NDIS funding for him and we had our planning meeting ten days ago. Hopefully the supports this will put in place will help him live his life and address the challenges he is facing. He no longer listens to me or allows me to help him. His plans to leave home appear to be on hold, as his friends are doing online learning this semester.

My life feels like a shambles. I don’t know whether I’m leaving or staying. Four months of job applications have led to three interviews and now a wait on the outcomes of two. I’m exhausted. I want to move, or not move and just be settled again. And have a steady income coming in. Right now I’m living on my much reduced Job Seeker and Family Tax Benefit payments and my superannuation pay-out.

I feel like I haven’t had a break in years (except for the NDIS funding). I remember when things used to be easy. I’d apply for a job, I’d get the job. I’d apply for a house, I’d get the house. Now I’m playing at a 100 level of difficulty when my skill level is only a 10. Middleage has not been easy for me.

The only bright spark has been my 14 year old, who’s been my constant companion for the last few months. He’s been coming with me to most house inspections and comes and talks to me multiple times a day. He is helpful, funny and reliable. When I leave the house, I leave him in charge, because I know this way they will both be fed and the house won’t burn down.

He is dealing remarkably well with the uncertainty of his schooling, knowing that he will now start back at his current school, but may need to change schools in a few weeks. He often comes with me when I have errands to run and on walks. He’s basically my support person, except emotionally. Well, maybe in a small way he is, but when I’m upset, I don’t unload to him, but when he asks me how I’m going, I do tell him the truth. I want him to understand that everyone feels anxious and upset at the uncertainty of life and that I don’t have all the answers. But he also knows that I have a Plan B for when things really go to shit.

He often asks about my day and it’s so nice to have someone to talk to at home, after years of feeling so alone.

I can’t wait for a time when things are not so hard. When we can afford holidays again. And to buy things other than groceries. And to feel safe.


signature

Also published on Medium.

If you liked this, share:

  • Print
  • Email
  • Tweet

Related

Previous Post Next Post

I've been blogging since 2008 and I do it because it keeps me sane.If I didn't blog, my head would explode. If you like your blogs sugar-coated and pretty looking then this is not for you. I write about life as a solo parent dealing with mental illness and recovering from long term emotional abuse. I live with two boy-children and three cats and I like wine. A lot.

Comments

  1. mel146 says

    28 January 2021 at 10:01 pm

    I wish there was something I could do to help you.

    Reply
    • Dorothy says

      15 February 2021 at 5:13 pm

      Thanks. Things always do get better, though.

      Reply

I love comments! Cancel reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

About Me

I am a truth talker, opinion owner, feminist, solo parent, business owner and cat minion.

I write about whatever's in my head, because it's cheaper, and more effective, than therapy.

Support my blog

Become a Patron!

Join me on Facebook

Join me on Facebook

Follow me on Twitter

Follow me!

I use and recommend

Web Hosting

Most Popular

  • I hate being a mother - a five step rescue plan
    I hate being a mother - a five step rescue plan
  • Why you should stop posting #suicideawareness status updates on Facebook
    Why you should stop posting #suicideawareness status updates on Facebook
  • I wish I didn't have kids
    I wish I didn't have kids
  • I hate being a mother
    I hate being a mother
  • 8 tips for when you hate being a mother
    8 tips for when you hate being a mother

My Instagram

Celebration cheesecake and selfies from the celebr Celebration cheesecake and selfies from the celebration dinner.

#celebration #newjob #cheesecake #selfie
This is what celebration looks like. Plus a chocol This is what celebration looks like. Plus a chocolate cheesecake, plus a dinner out. So good to finally have this weight off my shoulders.

In a few weeks, I will be finally working full time in Geelong and living close to the beach.

Cheers!
I am the mother of an 18 year old. It's been a har I am the mother of an 18 year old. It's been a hard slog, but we made it. Two celebrations this week, one complete with an autistic shutdown. Thank goodness for NDIS funding to help with the transition to adulthood.
Pav for a BBQ I'm going to in a bit. One day I mig Pav for a BBQ I'm going to in a bit. One day I might even make one from scratch like @cateppics
Sam and I went to see a couple of houses in Geelon Sam and I went to see a couple of houses in Geelong today and in between we visited Eastern Beach. It's like a little St Kilda, without the cake shops. Or at least we didn't find any.

This house hunting business is exhausting, when you have to travel so far. Three more trips next week. At least Sam is proving to be a fun companion.
Said goodbye to this old dear today. In our family Said goodbye to this old dear today. In our family since my older son was born. Drove him home from the hospital in it  pretty much straight from the showroom.

It stopped being reliable for me a while ago, due to lack of care, due to lack of money. Now off to another family and another life.
3 generations. Christmas 2020. 3 generations. Christmas 2020.
Two key ingredients for poppyseed strudel -a Polis Two key ingredients for poppyseed strudel -a Polish Christmas tradition. Poppyseed stuffing and the dough, ready to rise.

What are your must have Christmas foods?

Michael Buble is playing in the background.  Christmas how I like it.

#christmas #polishcooking #polishchristmas #makowiec #christmastraditions #christmasfood #polishchristmasfood
Follow on Instagram

More on…

  • ASD (7)
  • Blogging (44)
  • Children (43)
  • Domestic Violence (14)
  • Feminism (1)
  • Life (95)
  • Mental Health (166)
  • Recipe (2)
  • Reviews & Giveaways (17)
  • Sole Parenting (439)
  • Travel (10)
  • Uncategorized (18)

Subscribe via Email

Enter your email address to receive new posts in your inbox.

I learnt to run with…

Copyright 2020 A blog of her own. Designed by Dorothy K Consulting
loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.