I feel like everything has already been written, mostly by others who do it far better than me. My writing is not upbeat enough, clever enough, challenging enough to be read by more than a handful. Being in your face and ranty does not win one many fans. People don’t want to read about how life really is, they want to read about how life could be. Shiny and perfect and beautiful.
But it’s not just that. Somewhere along the way I’ve lost the desperate need to share my thoughts with the internet. I wonder if it’s because the internet stopped caring, or because I’ve found other outlets?
I remember when I constantly wanted to share what I was doing, seeing and thinking. I couldn’t go anywhere without taking photos and thinking about how I could share it with the internet. My heart and mind were open for anyone to see. I so desperately wanted to be seen and heard.
I’m lucky to have found an incredible social and support network over the last two and a half years. People who actually want to be around me and with whom I can have real conversations. Maybe that’s why I don’t need to talk to the internet?
Since starting my part time job I’ve also been too busy for idle internet chatter. Most days I come home from work to work some more for a client, then to pick up the boys from school, deal with dinner, bath and bed time and then work some more. Personal blogging requires a fair amount of clear head space for ideas to coalesce, for sentences to come together and for thoughts to run free. I haven’t had that for several months.
My job finishes in a couple of weeks and while I’m panicking about money, I also can’t wait to have some free brain space again. I don’t know if I’ll start blogging again, but I look forward to having time to be creative, especially in my business.
At the Melbourne Problogger workshop a few weeks ago, Darren Rowse mentioned the importance of “picking a fight” or “taking a stand” with your blog. I know that my fight is for stopping violence against women, for eliminating sexism and misogyny from everyday life and for both men and women understanding that women have an important role to play in making the world a better place.
I don’t know how to write about any of that stuff without being ranty. I don’t know how to be inspiring or clever or powerful with my words. I don’t know how to write like Clementine Ford or Catherine Deveny or Tracey Spicer. And I also don’t really want the vitriol that is directed towards them.
I’m not sure what my role is in the feminist space. Neither am I sure what my role is in the mental health advocacy space.
Mostly I feel very small and insignificant. I no longer have any personal dramas to share with you, I don’t want to talk about parenting and I’ve said all I had to say about emotional abuse. Those things no longer define me.
Maybe I should tell you about the personal growth and learning that I’ve experienced? About my messy house and my hate of housework? About the messy piles of paper on my desk?
I don’t know, but watch this space. Inspiration nearly always strikes when I least expect it, especially when I determine that I’m done with blogging. So I won’t even say that.
But, if I’m feeling ranty, you’ll read about it.