So, basically, my brain chemistry is fucked.
If you locked me up in a padded room with an endless supply of books and Netflix, I could probably come off all my meds and be OK.
And then you would need to assign me a nanny, or a whole team of staff, to help me transition into normal life, full of every day stressors, like parenting, managing a house, a business, finances and crazy cats.
It’s only then that we would know for sure whether I can function without any medication.
Right now, such an extravagant process is out of my reach and because I do not like feeling like a homicidal maniac with suicidal tendencies, I am back on my meds.
It was the anger that really surprised and frightened me. I had no idea how much the meds were helping with my anger. And I really don’t understand how that works. You know I don’t enjoy being angry and finding myself furious because my son was looking at me the wrong way, gave me a very frightening reminder of my own childhood.
I’d like to be able to laugh at him when he’s giving me his pre-teenage attitude, but the rage was very hard to manage. I sent him off to his room, giving us both a chance to get out shit together, but it was a damn scary moment.
The good news from this experiment is that now I know that the meds ARE working. They are not working in the way I’d like them to, but that are having an effect. I wish I could get more of a break from the apathy and low mood, and maybe, soon, I’ll be able to go back to my once-a-week burst of motivation and energy, followed by an end-of-week slump. I will also go back to my psychiatrist and see if maybe there is a new miracle drug that I haven’t tried yet.
I still have plenty of ideas, but no motivation to carry them out. I can barely open WordPress and get these words down before they escape me and apathy reclaims me.
In the middle of all this, I have this strong urge to help others. This blog has allowed me to connect with so many of you who are travelling the same path with the Black Dog and after a lifetime of living with it, I think I have a fair few things to offer, things that might help others live a good life in its company.
So, as a first step, I started a Facebook group! If you’d like to join me in Living Well with the Black Dog, click on the image below.
I have set up theme days to help us all share strategies for taming the Black Dog, rather than letting it overwhelm us. I hope to create a community of people like me, who know that the Black Dog is with us for life, but who refuse to give in to it and are determined to live a Good Life, with them Black Dog curled up quietly in the corner, slumbering peacefully, rather than towering over us like a menacing monster.
I have lots of other ideas, too, and hopefully some of them will come to fruition. Just watch this space!
What are your best strategies for living well with the Black Dog?
Image by casch52.