Survived a whole day today, all on my own. That is, without the children’s father. It is strange being alone with just children for company, you’re pretty much alone with your thoughts all day. I did chat briefly with a friend at school and did see my parents for lunch, but overall it was just me and the kids.
Days like today leave me with lots of time to think, or perhaps with lots of ways to avoid thinking, just keeping busy. Breakfast, lunchbox, getting to school, shopping, reading, cooking, facebooking, tidying the garden, helping with Lego, bathing, reading stories. So many things to do, when I really should spend some time just in thought.
Like what to do with the rest of my life. How to cope with this aloneness.
And while friends are there, they are not there all the time, or necessarily when you need them the most. And sometimes, you really don’t need a friend, just company. Quiet company. That’s why I like to have the TV on a lot. Feels a bit like someone else is in the house. And puts a barrier between me and the kids, otherwise they would be on top of me all the time. While I love them heaps, I find their neediness, and their love, suffocating at times. It may sound cold, but I find them so draining at times. So I am teaching them about how to take turns in doing the things we like and about Mummy time and about interruptions. Oh, I know I should love them totally and completely and never have enough of them, but facing the facts, that is just not me. It always feels so much better having another person or two around. It’s almost as if there isn’t enough of me to go around. I wonder where it went. I wonder how I can get more of me to give them. Any ideas out there?
Mothering is supposed to be so fulfilling. And while, yes, it is heaps more fulfilling than all the other jobs I’ve ever had, most of it is simple drudgery. And anwering the same questions over and over again. And providing constant emotional support to your kids, making them feel good about themselves and wondering about all the mistakes you might be making.
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