A blog of her own

Telling it like it is

No I wasn’t OK, but I am now

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15th of Septemer is RUOK Day here in Australia.  It is designed to raise awareness about mental health and suicide prevention.  You might have seen a few blog posts about it, including this one by Lori from Random Ramblings of a Stay At Home Mum.

I have never before told you the full story of my two suicide attempts.  I alluded to them here in a poem, but have always been afraid of your reaction.  I was afraid of being condemned.  I was afraid of being judged, particularly by those who contributed to my grief.

Why write about them now?  Perhaps to show the other side of the story.  The story from the victim’s point of view, rather than those left behind.  We commonly hear and read, whether in literature, or in the news, about the grief, the anger and the guilt of those left behind.  Yes, the guilt – what could I have done?  why didn’t I pay more attention?

I wanted to tell you, that, in some circumstances, there is nothing that can be done.  Nothing short of rewriting that individual’s life story, of making sure that they had access to quality mental health care from a very young age.

You see, for me, both times, I was in complete shock.  My mind unable to deal with the pain that was inflicted on me by others.  I simply could not process what was happening, could not see beyond the here and now and I couldn’t cope with my emotions.  I wanted out.  I wanted relief, blissful peace, not-feeling.  All rational thought was gone.  In fact, my decision, both times, seemed perfectly rational.  At the time.

Neither time was planned.  It was a reaction to some dreadful things that were happening to me.  Betrayals that I just did not see, never imagined, coming.  I would have been less surprised by a visit by an alien spacecraft, than I was by what the people around me were doing and saying.

It was a peculiar state of mind.  Even now, writing about it, I can place myself there.  I am tense, I am numb.  I have to remind myself that I am OK.

Obviously, I survived.  After the first time, I woke up, calmly drove back home, buying a coffee and a muffin from a McCafe, rang my GP, packed a bag and drove to her surgery.  They checked me over and kept me there, trying to find me a place in a psychiatric hospital.  As they couldn’t, they sent me to a hospital in an ambulance.

I remember being perfectly calm, yet numb.  I don’t remember if I cried.

Eventually, I ended up in a psychiatric hospital, where the resident psychiatrist proceeded to tell me that the problems with my marriage were all  my fault, because I wasn’t concerned about the lack of a sex life.

I couldn’t stand her.  I discharged myself and continued seeing my therapist and marriage counsellor for a further few weeks.  Then he left.

After a few weeks, I admitted myself to another psychiatric hospital.  I needed to grieve.  However, as my then husband began talking (no doubt egged on by his mother and girlfriend) about taking the kids away from me, I sought legal advice and was told that the best thing I could do would be to get back home.  I did.  On Christmas Eve.  Before we left the hospital, he told me he would come back home that night.  He didn’t.

I coped the best I could for the next few months, but in May, I was presented with a whole bunch of information about him, his mother and his girlfriend (which he kept denying) which turned my world upside down, again.  And, again, my mind just closed down.  I had no capacity for rational thought.

This time, the hospital fixed me up, I was assessed by the Crisis Assessment Team and sent home.  In the middle of the night.  Full of drugs.  In a taxi, which I had to call myself.  The nurses there treated me like dirt.  I staggered out the door of the Emergency Department, I had to sit on the floor to make the phone call.  I could not walk straight, I was hallucinating.  And they sent me home.

I didn’t tell anyone (except my GP and therapist) about the second time.  Not for a very long time.  I was too ashamed.  For a few months I had the Lifeline number by my bed, in my phone.  I slowly grew stronger.  I made a contract with my therapist, that if I had any more suicidal thoughts, I would make every attempt to contact her, or ring Lifeline, and I would not do anything until I spoke with her.  At least one person cared.

Eventually, through a support group, I accepted that I had spent 18 years of my life with a psychopath. That I had been manipulated and lied to consistently.  There were lots of things that I swept under the carpet, the peeping into the bathroom when I was having a shower, or around the corner into my bedroom as I was getting dressed.  The accusations of sexual harassment from his co-workers.  The often inappropriate behaviour I witnessed myself.

Yet, all of that was somehow OK, as I convinced myself that this was a man who would make a good father and husband.  The grooming and manipulation was so subtle, so slow, so pervasive that I no longer listened to my intuition, I was like a mannequin.

He was able to not only fool me, but many mental health professionals.  The issues were always with me.  He was a saint dealing with a crazy woman.

Until there was one who saw through him.  And then another one.  And another.  As more and more people told me that I’d been the victim of family violence, of emotional abuse, I realised the truth.  As I talked to other women in my situation, I could not believe the similarities in our partners’ behaviours.  I stopped feeling ashamed.

I slowly woke up.  I saw all of his behaviours for what they were.  Every single one.  I felt disgusted.  I could not believe that I thought that they were OK.  I could not believed I had spent 18 years with that man.  I could not believe that people like him existed.

My point?  Asking me then, was I OK, would not have prevented my suicide attempts.  I already was in therapy, had been since I was 30.  I made a decision, twice, as a result of shock.  I was overwhelmed by negative, painful emotions.  My therapy had not prepared me for dealing with those.

What would have helped?  If I had access to quality mental health care at a very young age. At fourteen or sixteen, or 23, times when I experienced untreated depressive episodes.  I also wish that some of my therapists had picked up on the emotional abuse that was going on.

So, by all means, care enough for your friends and family to ask if they’re OK.  Encourage them to get help.  The earlier the better…..  But if you don’t, remember that it’s not your fault.

 


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Comments

  1. Dorothy, thank you for writing this. I really have nothing else to add. Just thank you.

    And I am sorry so many people let you down. I agree Mental Health Care in this country is lacking. There also needs to be more work done to break down the stigma of mental health.

    xx

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  2. Thank you for reading, Amy, and for taking the time to comment. It was quite hard writing this, I hope that it helps to highlight that it’s just as important to take care of our mental health from a very young age, as it is our physical health.

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  4. Sociopaths are such a headfuck. I was with one for three years, and all his family and friends thought he was normal and I was the psycho. Their manipulation is so extensive and so subtle you often don't know how you ended up where you are. I'm so glad you are ok now. It was such a long road for you to travel though, huh x

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  5. They don't have RUOK day here, but I totally understand. It wouldn't have kept me from my (I don't even know how many anymore, and I'm only 23) attempts. I've had 3 hospitalizations. I've been seeing a psychiatrist and therapist since I turned 18, which was the age I could legally seek help for myself, as nobody would believe me. I've since lost them, as they were through the university, and summer was my graduating semester (August, here). I forsee trouble, but there's not much to do, especially here, and the costs are exorbitant. The two longer stays were in excess of $25,000…more than some people make in a year. It definitely would have helped, though, for someone to occasionally give me the option of saying “no, I'm not ok”…and not attaching a stigmatized “well, you should be ok, look at all you have” along with the message. Thank you for the open story. I appreciate it. (I wanted to post this anonymously but Disqus won't let me….)

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  6. hugs. There is so much more I could say, especially about my own experiences with that mental health “system”. 
    I think RUOK day is good for things like this, the blog posts and discussions that come about because of it, because if asking “are you ok?” doesn't change things, then talking about it openly will. should. hopefully.
    I'm glad you're ok now Dorothy. I hope it stays that way and only gets better.

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  9. Thanks. I am forever thankful that I’ve never given up my health insurance. Because even if one psychiatric institution or professional could not help me, at least I had the opportunity to try others. Well, at least I know that now. And I never stopped trying to find the right help. I did not allow the stigma associated with mental illness stop me from asking questions and seeking more, or different help.

    It worries me that children and young people don’t know what they need, don’t know how to express what they need and that not many people know to ask them. Because mental illness rarely just appears overnight, it is something that probably lies latent inside us and blooms when the conditions are right.

    Yes, you are right, it is a great opportunity to talk about these issues and to take away that stigma.

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  10. I’m sorry you weren’t able to comment anonymously. It’s part of my defense system again people who might try to hurt me.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m sorry that the health system where you are is so much more screwed up than ours. We complain about it, but I know that the situation in the US is even worse. I’m lucky to have health insurance and have benefitted from it, but I’ve also received some great help through our public system.

    Please reach out to someone… Is there a volunteer, or church, organisation you could get involved with to get some emotional support? I was part of a playgroup for mums with post-natal depression when my second son was younger and they were a very helpful resource. They were the only ones that were worried when I disappeared for 24 hours. My ex certainly wasn’t.

    Stay well. Stay strong. You ARE strong enough and you ARE enough. We are all unique and special. We all have unique talents and a unique contribution to make in this world…. Please stay well…. Feel free to email me at [email protected] if you would like to talk more…

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  11. I know you feel, people asking how you are would not have helped you, and I can't comment on that.  But I'd still encourage anyone that is concerned about someone to ask.  I think RUOK is more than just asking the question.  If you think someone is in trouble it's about asking RUOK, do you want company, putting forward people that might be able to help them.
    I'm glad to hear that you are in a better position now.  I hope you keep moving forward.

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  12. Thanks for sharing sister dear. Such a brave and difficult thing to do! Fancy that, a psychiatrist telling you things were your fault because of the lack of sex-life issue?? How do these irresponsible, unempathic people become licensed to treat people?!
    *sigh* I've worked with so many socially disadvantaged people who suffer from a myriad of mental health issues, and in my opinion, the lack of a good mental health system is just the tip of the iceberg as to why so many people in the western world (and others) are suffering. We live in a time of intense and constant change, isolation within our own communities, governments that are more concerned with economics and social control than the well-being of their citizens, over-saturation of media which tells us non-stop that the world is a dangerous and cruel place (what is it with the amount of violence and crime as 'entertainment' that we see on the tv screens on a daily basis?!?!) and medical systems that are more concerned about treating and managing symptoms than finding causes for illness fostering and encouraging good health and balance in our lives.
    I don't pretend to know the solution to all of this. Dissolve all of our governments and political systems, perhaps, and take our power back over our communities? That's a bit extreme, but it would be nice. I think a good place to start is exactly what we're already doing – connecting with each other, breaking our respective silences, letting people in.  Ask for help. Letting even strangers know that we care enough about them to make eye contact, smile or nod. Give money to a desperate person who asks you without concern for what it's used for. Sign petitions. Turn off the depressing/frightening/aggravating television program and find something that makes you laugh.
    Life is tough and presents constant challenges and having only recently commenced therapy and other healing work myself at 28, I'm coming to realise just how deep the pain of my wounding from just living in this world goes. But step by step, by breathing, being kind to myself, being present with my pain and slowly letting go, I'm learning new ways of being in this crazy world.

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  13. I hope you still not feeling ashamed about sharing your darkest hours. It takes a very brave and strong person to share with the world what you have. Your story reads like psychological thriller! I'm glad you finally found some health care professionals that were on your side and you could realise that you're not the crazy woman he made you out to be.

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  14. Thank, Fiona. You made me giggle! I definitely should write that book, after a comment like that J

    No, I am not feeling ashamed any more. I did what I did, it’s over. I was working with what information and emotional capacity I had at the time. Nothing can change that. I’ve lived through some very dark times since then and have always clawed my way back out again, without taking such drastic measures. Some lessons do stay with me, I am happy to say.

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  15. Thanks, sister dear. I love that you felt safe enough to share that much here. And I love you. And I hope that you have learnt some of the lessons I have, through my experiences, so that you don’t have to live them yourself. Talk soon!

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  16. I agree. At first I didn’t, but after some thinking, I do. There were times were asking that would have made a difference to my life, just not those particular times. But maybe asking me earlier would never have led me to where I ended up. I know that I now often ask, if I think that something, anything might be wrong. Even people I barely know….

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  17. Thank you for your honesty. I came across your blog via Digital Parents. My friend committed suicide in June after a long battle with schizophrenia. Her closest friends and I are still trying to put the pieces together, to understand why. I know we may never get those answers. I admire your strength in sharing this part of your life. You are an amazing writer and I will be particpating in RUOK? Day.

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  18. I'm so sorry about your friend. I think the point I'm trying to make is that sometimes there is nothing that can be done. I don't think your friend would have wanted you to feel guilty. She, most likely, just couldn't cope with the stuff in her head any more.

    I'm glad you like my writing, thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts…

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  19. Dorothy, you are so brave to share your  story. There is nothing I can say but thank you for doing your part to help raise awareness.
    Big love to you and your boys. They have a wonderful role model in you x 

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  20. Dorothy the fact that there are such gaping holes in our mental health system is devastating. It was broken eight years ago when my aunt committed suicide and it is still broken now. I miss her every single day. I am glad you are making it through x

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  21. Oh Dorothy. The awful way you've been treated by first the husband ( too nice a title I think) and the seeming majority of the medical team in mental health…. Oh, I don't want to embarrass you, but as we did have quite a good rapport in Melbs and I wish now, I could give you a squishy hug.
    The upshot of your outpouring for me, is that alone feeling was not to be challenged & that your head was in such a place that no amount of qyestioning would have stopped your attempts.
    That's a very courageous stand you are now taking….to tell it as it is/was….. More power back to you Dorothy that was sucked by the man & his family …… Excellent way for me to understand … Thanks so much Denyse

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  22. Shit Dorothy!  I am so glad you are ok now and I am sorry you had to go on such a fucked trip to get here. Wonderful post. Thank you so much for sharing. xxxxxxx

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  24. wow dorothy…compeling words. A close friend/flatmate of mine committed sucide in our bathroom when i was only 18. i always wondered if there was something more i could have done, if he had been planning it for some time, why hadn't i noticed….all the usual guilt – i have carried this guilt for nearly 14 years. i think of him often…
    thank you for sharing your experience as an attemptee and survivor. you have made me understand a little better. it must have been incredibly difficult to post this.
    i'm glad you are still here xxxxxx

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  25. Thank you for sharing your story Dorothy, it's an important story to tell. I wish you'd found the help you needed when you were 13. We have such a long way to go before we even begin to deal with mental health adequately, but talking about it, sharing our stories, helps.

    I'm glad you're still here too.

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  26. I am glad too.  I have learned so much.  About myself, about the world, about society.  My goal now is to make sure that my kids stay as emotionally healthy as I can help them to be.  It is such a joy to see them run to me out of school, out of creche, with such happiness on their faces.  I know I'm on the right track…

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  27. I'm sorry that you had to experience that.  I don't think that guilt over someone else's bad decision is very helpful, to either yourself or to them.  It makes me sad that so many people feel so awful that all they can think of is escape.  It makes me sad that they feel so helpless and hopeless of ever getting help and feeling better.  There is definitely something not right with that picture.

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  30. Thanks, Denyse….  I think I was so completely brainwashed that I would have defended him (and did) to anyone who would say anything negative about him.  I kept blaming myself.  Until I saw that he was actually disappointed that I survived.  It would have made everything so easy for him.

    I think, though, that if the right person had asked, at the right time, then maybe I would have opened up.  It didn't help that he had all our friends from my son's school eating out of his hand, had them believing some awful shit about me and painted himself as the long-suffering, unloved husband, constantly pandering to a crazy woman.  A lot of people got sucked in.  And a lot more are sucked in again, but into a totally different scenario that neither I, nor my boys, are part of.  It is no longer my problem.

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  31. I am so sorry about your aunt, Sarah.  When I was about 7 or 8, back in Poland, my friend's dad jumped off out the window of our apartment building.  He left behind a wife and three daughters.  I don't think they ever recovered.  The effects of suicide a far reaching, I agree. 

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  33. Dorothy thank you for sharing this story. I am glad you are in a better place now and found the support systems you need. I cannot imagine what you have lived through.It's disgraceful the way health professionals treated you.

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  34. Dorothy,
    What a brave, courageous strong lady you are. Thank you for your sharing, it does help others to read that they are not the only one dealing with trauma. A friend of mine quotes this to me often 'One foot in front of the other, the world keeps turning', just like you have done and are still doing.
    Take care,

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  35. How wrong that you were treated the way you were Dorothy, by the very people that were supposed to help you. But sharing your experiences can certainly help stop that from happening to someone else. And raise awareness. Thanks so much for your honesty, and I'm glad you're still here to tell your story. x

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  36. Oh goodness, I'm all sorts of teary reading this. It's powerful and strong and edges to help others in so many ways. I'm sending so much respect and so many good thoughts your way.

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  37. Thank you for sharing this, really. I needed to hear it today. You are so, so strong. I can't get over the way you were treated by the nurses and professionals in that hospital.  Thank you for sharing your story. It's going to help so many people.

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  39. Thank you so much for sharing your story. There are so many times I wish people would ask me if I am ok because I am not, but then I just blurt it out because I need help. I ask too. I am so glad you are in a better place today 😀

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  40. As a depression-sufferer, I'm all too familiar with the feelings of wanting relief, blissful peace, and not-feeling. There was a time in my life 11 years ago – before I got married and had a baby – that I was while not exactly suicidal, at least unconcerned with the prospect of death. That is to say, I wouldn't have jumped into the path of an oncoming train… but if it happened to hit me, that would've been OK. 

    Now, I still suffer from depressive episodes from time to time – I've come to accept that it's part of my make-up and am armed and prepared to keep myself emotionally healthy. It's not always easy; in fact, I'm dealing with something right now that has me at times feeling that need for relief… blissful peace… not-feeling. 

    But I have something now that I didn't have back then – my daughter. The thought of leaving this earth and missing the privilege of watching her grow up fills me with more pain than whatever chemical imbalance is plaguing my brain at the time. She's my anchor.

    I'm so sorry that you once experienced so much pain that not even your loved ones could anchor you. But your survived it and came out stronger on the other end, and that is something to be very proud of. 

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  50. Oh my God, I hardly know what to write. Except maybe thank you for being brave enough to share this story and to keep fighting.  It must have been so painful to share and I cant even imagine how you were feeling during those times the health system let you down, or your attempts.  I am just amazed at such resilience and hope you feel some pride for fighting a good fight and for spreading your message

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  51. I really wanted to share my story to show people that situations like these are complex and require complex solutions. And most of all, to show others that no matter how bad you feel right now, you will feel better in the future. Getting through the pain is awful and you need someone to hold you while you're there, but you will feel better.

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  53. You've done well to have such a great GP.

    I've never tried. I've been those depths, moreso as a teenager, but have had them as an adult. But have tended to wind up doing something reckless that could have wound me up dead than anything direct. I chose to let gom lose control, see what would happen.

    Thank you for sharing your story. I hate the guilt of people worriung about me.

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  54. Thank you for sharing this Dorothy. I've been meaning to read it for days and now that I have I am amazed by your strength to step up and talk about the other side of this.

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  56. i think that is the thing that eats away at me the most… i can't ever imagine feeling so helpless that i felt i had no other option but to take my own life and it makes me so sad that this person felt the had no one to turn to. i thought of him as a brother and wish he had of come to me. just goes to show you never really know what is going on in someone else's head – only what they allow you see. thanks Dorothy – your words have helped x

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  57. Dorothy, I am so filled with awe for you being brave enough to be so honest. I've been there, too. I honestly can't think of words to say that wouldn't sound trite, but thank goodness for you.
    Andrea

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  58. As someone who struggles from time to time and works as a telephone counsellor at Lifeline, this is so very close to the bone.  Thank you so much for sharing – and I am so so glad that you survived, grew stronger and were able to share your story.  Thank you.

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  60. Thank you and I hope that you were able to get something from my experiences. I have to say, that the single word “Lifeline” goes off in my head like a beacon these days whenever I feel the darkness descending. I know that there is a last resort….

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  62. You know when I first read your post I was so outraged by your treatment I had to tell a few people, then I had to rant to Madam Bipolar about how no one listened. Then I wrote a post about how people should 'give a shit' and that I am grateful for people who do. But most of all Dorothy I am grateful for you and how you keep talking, even when your days are totally shitface awful. I am grateful that you still get up and talk. I am still so angry about your emotional abuse, in fact I am infuriated by it and how no one believed you. I know this feeling of having disbelief when you are telling the honest truth and people look at you like you are on another planet. I remember this as a little girl, it was horrid. Thank you also for taking the time to 'give a shit' about others by sharing your story and also being part of the 2011 bloggers collective. xxx gemma

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  63. I have just found your blog and cannot believe that no-one has commented on some of these posts. Not for any reason in particular, but I just can’t believe that no one had anything to say. I’ve been reading through both of your blogs tonight and read part of your story. It seems as though a nightmare came to life for you. I feel for you and your children. I have tears in my eyes and cannot believe that anyone could do such things (although we all know it happens). I’ve seen stories on the news and in papers before but your story, and way of telling it is so touching and emotional that I feel like I am right there with you. I’m off now to read the rest of your posts. You are a beautiful writer and I will be a regular follower over on your new blog. Best of luck with everything, surely after everything you have been through, your life can only get better.

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