As I walked along the aisle at Aldi, I wondered how many other people here were, like me, in a place of quiet desperation, going through the motions of daily life, of caring for their families, but feeling dead inside. Nothing to bring them joy, nothing to look forward to – a place almost beyond depression, because you feel as low as you ever going to, but know that the only option left to you is to survive each day for the sake of others.
I sleep a lot lately. It’s cold and grey, so to save money on heating I just go back to bed after the boys leave for school. I don’t have anywhere to be, or anything to do. I don’t know what to do with myself. Yes, I do have endless housework to do, who doesn’t, but frankly who wants to do housework?
So I sleep. I get up around noon; I have a shower, get dressed, have lunch. Then I hang around on Twitter, since my Facebook account has been shut down, for reasons unknown and I manage to pass the hours until the boys get home. Sometimes I play Spider solitaire, which I’m really good at now, or do work for a client if I’m lucky. Or I study for the Certificate III in Community Services I have signed up for.
On the days I have something on, I feel lighter, I have a purpose, but there seems to be fewer and fewer of those. Not being on Facebook means that I’m forgotten by almost everybody and don’t get to find out when events are on. It’s really shown me who my real friends are and I can count them on the hands of one hand.
When your business is online communication and marketing, including community building, Facebook is an essential tool, not just a way to pass time. Having it gone has taken away my business and my social life.
But my current mood isn’t simply the results of Facebook deprivation. Not having money sucks. I don’t even have enough to pay our utility bills and have applied for a special grant from the government to get them paid. Once I pay rent, buy food and pay for my phone and internet, there is nothing left. I’m letting credit card debt accumulate, because some weeks it’s the only way I can buy food. I have no money to do things with the boys, like going out for meals or to the movies. We sit around all weekend playing on our devices, or going for an occasional walk if the sun comes out, which is rare. A lot of the time the battle to get them out of the house is more than I can handle.
I can’t bring myself to get out of the house in this cold gloomy weather to go for a run, even though I know it would do me good. I basically can’t be bothered to do anything unless it involves direct care for my children.
I know I should set small goals for myself every day, like going out for a walk, if I can’t manage a run. I know all this, I know all the strategies, but it’s so much easier to snuggle up in bed and sleep.
This won’t last, I hope.