So, I’ve been feeling very sad lately. The house is finally on the market and I can no longer avoid the inevitable. I hate moving. I hate packing. Unpacking. The house is still a mess. There is still stuff in boxes in the garage. I still haven’t got through as much crap as I wanted to. Every time I open another box a fresh wave of pain washes over me and fresh tears flow.
Mostly I feel really frustrated and angry with myself. For not getting enough done. For not being over the pain already. For having no idea what to do next. Where to live. It is so much easier to clutch on to a painful past than to contemplate an unknown future.
I am so lonely… So empty… So purposeless… I feel like I don’t matter to anyone. To the kids I am a piece of furniture, the constant that provides them with food, clean clothes and a roof over their heads. I feel disconnected from most people. Everyone, really. Sometimes I look at my kids and think that I don’t really know them. I feel like an alien most of the time, the people around me speaking a language I don’t understand. How can they care about such trivia when my world is so empty, when I just crave someone to see ME?
I know that this is depression, brought on by grief, brought on by betrayal and abuse. Knowing doesn’t make it any easier to bear or cope with. I crave emotional connection with someone and I get so little.
Paranoia lurks around corners. I feel the world is deliberately leaving me out. It’s as if there is a secret society that everyone but me belongs to. I just don’t get it. I understand machines, not people. I read that in a book – I can’t remember the title. Can anyone be original any more? Hasn’t every thought been thought already? Every word spoken? Is what I’m saying simply a repetition of what someone else has said on the other side of the world, the continent, the state?
Why isn’t there an outpouring of grief and sympathy for me? Why isn’t there an outrage about what has happened to me and my boys? Why aren’t there headlines naming and shaming those that hurt us? I scan the headlines every morning looking for the one – “Sex offender run out of small Wimmera town”, “Middle aged man killed in fiery car crash in Wimmera”. Yes, I want revenge and retribution. I want validation. Validation from those who did it. I want them to be ashamed. I want them to acknowledge what they did. I want them all to know the whole truth. I want them to know my pain and to feel ashamed. I want them to live in misery for the rest of their lives.
I want to forgive. I want to not hate any more. It’s so hard….
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