I realise I’ve been had, yet again. I chose to trust one last time and had the rug pulled out from under me, again. I am realising it is all about control to him. Every time I let him in, I give up control of my life, and every time he leaves, he again is in total control. Perhaps he is the master manipulator and control freak as has been suggested by those who have seen him at his worst. Only happy when he is in total control of my emotional state, always finding me inadequate and always finding more hoops for me to jump through.
First, it was about the image of my “depression” he could not see through to the real me, then it was about him feeling “trapped” – in the house, in the marriage, in the family; now it is about “not being in love” with me any more. Just how many more put-downs can a girl take. Probably no more. Every time, my heart ends up more and more tattered. But somehow it always manages to get stronger, perhaps it is the scar tissue that is making it tougher. I imagine soon, nothing will be able to get to me.
I want to hate and throw things, but that only gives him more power over my emotions. I just need to let go and accept that this simply leaves me free for the relationship I deserve to find me.
All decisions he makes reflect only on him and his personality and his state of mind, not on me. I am who I am and I am enough. Once I was enough for him, more than enough. And now – I will not be controlled any more.
Commitment means nothing to him, looking for a romantic dream obviously a lot more. Good luck! I hope you find your fairy tale. Even the best of marriages are no fairy tales.
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