I didn’t think that after so many months, so many betrayals, so many hurts, I would have any tears left to cry. But, stupidly, I looked where I shouldn’t have and found photos of my ex enjoying his life with his new “step-family”. I shook with rage! All I could think of is how much I wanted to hurt him and how I wanted him to hurt her….! So she would find out for herself, instead of listening to his lies about me. And I should not longer care, because he isn’t worth it, but the rage is probably mostly directed at myself. At how I let myself be taken in, be duped and manipulated and hurt by someone as repulsive and heartless as him.
I don’t want him back, but I want the world to see what he is. I want him to admit what he is. I don’t want him wandering around enjoying life, while mine has been so thoroughly destroyed by his betrayals. He seems to not have a care in the world. And I don’t know how I’m going to pay next month’s mortgage… And how I’m going to care for my children’s emotional health, as they begin to realise their father is no longer a part of their lives.
Someone recently called what he’s done to me “emotional rape”. That is exactly how I feel. I feel like I’ve been violated – opened my heart and soul to someone who’s turned out to be scum and who took advantage of my compassionate nature and trust. And, now, he’s put all his “troubles” behind him and gets to start over without any baggage, lying his way into another woman’s heart. I just want people to start seeing him for what he is – a sociopathic parasite.
So I’m mostly crying out of anger, some out of sadness for what my life hasn’t turned out to be, for how hard it is raising my kids alone – that certainly wasn’t the plan. Some days I just don’t see the point, don’t see a future, or at least a better future, better than the present. I don’t know how to make it happen.
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