This is the second post I’ve started to write after months of not. The other one just rambled on and on and didn’t have a point and I don’t know whether this one will.
I love the way Eden writes. Her words just seem to tumble out willy nilly, but they tumble out into a beautiful pattern that grips at the heart and mind. I wish I had that way with words. Or maybe I had it and just forgotten it? Or maybe I’ve become too self-conscious knowing that people actually read my words?
There have a been a few changes around here. I’m working again, for a local small business, building their website and managing their Facebook page. There will be more Digital Marketing work involved, but I’m starting slowly, getting a feel for the lay of the land.
I love having a steady income, which is greater than what Centrelink was paying me and I really quite like the people I work with. I like being around people for those four afternoons that I’m there.
But I do miss my time alone, time to exercise and bumble about working on my business. I have to be so much more focused now on what I want to achieve on any given day and I’m not very good at juggling. I only seem able to focus on one thing at a time on my mornings at home, so it’s either an email to promote my event, a run, or dinner prep. When I think that I might try to do all those things in the four hours I have to myself, I start to panic and the need to climb back into bed is strong.
So I pick the one thing for each morning and I do that and then I don’t rush and everything is easy.
Easy. That’s my word for the year. I want everything to flow easily in my life and I don’t want any hassle or hustle. I look for the easiest ways to get stuff done and don’t take on anything that might be hard. I’ve had enough of hard to last me a lifetime, it’s time for ease and flow.
Working afternoons means that the boys are home alone after school until I get home from work. Just as well that only a week before I was offered the job they began riding their bikes to and from school. No more dreary school drop offs and pick ups!
So now they spend an hour home alone and really, if I was a different kind of parent, they would be doing the dinner prep for me, but no, instead they game their little hearts out and I throw dinner together when I get home. I feel like I’m failing this motherhood gig, because a) my kids are home alone for an hour, b) I don’t make them do enough around the house and c) technology use is at all time high here. I have neither the energy, nor the inclination to put any boundaries on it, because, honestly, I just don’t know how. I can’t handle the fights and the moaning and this work thing is really making me very tired. I might have to rethink this approach as Term 2 rears its ugly head, but ask me again tomorrow.
I’m so bloody tired all the time and no, it’s not an iron deficiency or something funny with my thyroid, it’s just LIFE that’s sitting across my chest and shoulders and demanding that I get on with it. Getting on with it feels like too much, especially on weekends, when even after an 11 hour sleep, I feel like death warmed over when I get up and have to make breakfast.
I didn’t get much of a holiday this term break as I was working, but I did manage a few sleep ins. Still, I don’t feel rested at all. I feel like I need a week of sleep.
Daydreaming of a housekeeper to do all the cleaning and cooking for me doesn’t get me very far and cat vomit still has to be cleaned up in the morning. Or rather on the weekend, when I get through as much of the housework as I can, usually on a Sunday. Not much fun for a weekend, especially when I’m tired, but that’s where we are right now. Maybe with more practice it will all get a little bit easier. I don’t know how parents who work full time manage to fit all the LIFE stuff in. But they do. And I feel even worse for struggling so hard with my 15 hours of work a week.
But things will get better. They always do. I know that I’ve been able to handle this and more in the past, so I should be able to handle it again. Just give me time.
PS: The photo is of Nimmon’s Bridge near Newtown, about 30 minutes from where we live. Proof that I managed to get us out and about these holidays. And I did it with two extra kids. All is not lost.