Have you seen a post like this on Facebook?
My door is always open. Any of my family and friends who need to chat are welcome. It’s no good suffering in silence. I have wine in the fridge, coffee or tea and I will always be here. You are never not welcome! Could at least one friend please copy and repost (not share)? I’m trying to demonstrate that someone is always listening.
#SuicideAwareness
or this one?
Could at least one friend, please copy and repost? (not share) I’m trying to demonstrate that someone is always listening.
#SuicideAwareness
They’ve been doing the rounds for the past few months and while I can see that the people who post them have their heart in the right place, these annoy the crap out of me, because the people who post these have not once been there for me when I’ve cried out for help online.
Either they’re not on Facebook a lot, or simply ignore my so called “negative” posts, when life feels like shit and all I want to do is to cease being.
I won’t say that no-one ever responds to my frustrated cries for help – a very small handful of online friends do respond. Some with a ♥ emoticon, others with a comment, or a private message. The people that email or message me make the biggest difference and an even bigger one when that message is an invitation to coffee or lunch.
Let me tell you something about people who are considering suicide – they do not have the emotional energy needed to reach out personally to someone – to call, or to go to someone’s house. They are consumed by their suicide ideation and believe everything their lying bitch of a depression tells them. Why would someone who believes they are despicable and loathsome want to reach out to a friend? They really don’t feel they are worth the time or effort required to respond.
Personally, I am far more likely to call Lifeline, than a friend or family member, mainly, because I don’t want to be a burden, but also because I don’t believe they will know what to say.
The same was pointed out to me recently by a friend – people don’t respond to cries for help (on social media) because they don’t know what to do or say. Well, let me help you with that.
What to do when your friends with depression ask for help
1. Firstly, know your friends well enough to know if they are dealing with mental health issues. Not everyone is as open about their mental health as I am, but if they are, take note. Pay attention to them on and off-line, because these are the people that might need you one day. Ironically, for me, it is the people who have had their own mental health issues that are the most likely to respond when I’m struggling. We understand each other and know exactly what is needed. Make an effort to catch up with them – in person, by phone or via email. You are not responsible for the wellbeing of all your friends, but if you care enough to post a status update about suicide awareness, you should care enough to keep in touch with your friends who are at risk.
2. Don’t dismiss social media as a form of communication – for a lot of us, especially if we’re also introverted and/or autistic, social media may be the main form of connecting with others, so that’s where we are likely to speak out, rather than by direct contact. Take these cries for help seriously and respond. When non-one responds to us, this gives our depression further evidence that we are worthless.
3. Reach out to them. Don’t wait for them to come to you, because they probably won’t. Keep in touch with your most vulnerable friends, so they really do know that they can count on you.
4. Listen to them. Ask a very simple question – “What’s up?”. I can’t speak for everyone, but when someone asks me that, I feel heard and I do answer. Just telling someone about the low spot I’m in eases the burden. I don’t need solutions from you, I just need you to listen.
5. Offer to meet them. This gives us something nice to look forward to which can be immensely helpful when we are barely hanging on to existence.
6. Refer them to Lifeline. If you have talked to them and you are still worried, tell them to call Lifeline, or their psychiatrist or psychologist. A list of useful numbers is below this post.
7. Request a welfare check. If you are very worried about a friend and you can’t reach them, you can ring the police and request a welfare check on them, if you know where they live.
Don’t get me wrong. My mental health is my responsibility, not yours, and I do all I can to stay out of the black pit of despair. But sometimes I fall in. Sometimes I am aware enough to know that I need help. I just don’t ask for help in the way that you would like me to. I just can’t.
If you want to be helpful, be aware, stay in touch and reach out. Don’t wait for me to fall.
Useful numbers:
Lifeline – 13 11 14
Beyondblue – 1300 22 4636
Absolutely. I’ve had a number of friends do this and I wonder why they don’t just touch base directly with a few people. I tend to do that if I notice someone’s going quiet on SM. That’s usually a giveaway….
And those posts are not listening – they’re a cut & paste broadcast so you didn’t even come from the heart and put thought into it….
Exactly. Get to know your friends and listen to them.
I post these and let me tell you why. My daughter killed herself and completely blindsided our family and friends. At the time we had no clue that suicide was a problem nor that she had anxiety and depression. And we had no clue about the situational depression that descends when there is tragedy like it did for us. So I post for the loved ones who may not know suicide is a serious problem and so they can be made aware and look to their loved ones who may be at risk. Believe me mental illness and depression are not talked about often enough, who wants to talk about something so ugly anyway? I post for those who may have situational depression to know they are not alone. Sure, when you are having a major depressive episode you may not be thinking of calling for help but maybe your loved ones would. Thank you for posting the recommendations for how to help someone who reaches out. I do believe we want the same thing, to end suicide. Love, Katrina’s Mom
I’m sorry about your daughter.
Useful, actionable information about suicide prevention and awareness is far more helpful that meaningless statements about suicide awareness. And I speak as a suicide survivor.
Hey Dorothy,
Sara also pointing to helping others especially known persons on social media like facebook who might be suffering from mental illness and/or having suicidal/self harm thoughts, and not interested and/or having issues to share with their known persons like relatives, but, are active on social media. Though this should be done by an expert who knows how to handle such situations, but, primary help like a simple non-judjemental and careful talks could be helpful too to have some time and ask for expert help like Lifeline or something available nearby.
Sorry about your daughter, Sara!
Have a good time!
Cheers 🙂
Thank you for sharing the story about your daughter, I’ve had a husband n a nephew both die of their own accord n it continues to break my heart cause my nephew was only 15 n so great to be around n loved my grandkids n it kills me that my brother n his wife have to deal with this every day for the past two years n I can’t imagine the pain they face all the time. So God bless you for caring n if there is one person I can help then I sure would night or day whether I knew the person or not
While I agree that depression/suicide awareness needs to be increased I still think that posting this misdirects awareness and is a cop-out – it allows people to think that they’re doing something when they haven’t at all.. better to post something that places the emphasis on noticing signs of depression/suicide and being pro-active in support.. if you haven’t seen one, find one and share that.. if you can’t find one, create it!..
Thank you for this post.
I’m a trauma survivor with a long history of suicidality. I just wrote about this meme last night and was really delighted to read your thoughts on it. (My post: https://www.facebook.com/oliverhazardperry/posts/10154073866486862)
I am very curious about #7, though. (Request a welfare check.)
I ask because, in the US at least, this almost invariably results in some sort of involuntary detainment, even if it’s just a forced ambulance ride to a hospital. I have broken people out of those situations before and have found that the presence of cops, force, and anonymous betrayal can have a really awful impact on an already-traumatized person.
I’m glad you found this post helpful.
In Australia, the police don’t automatically section you, unless they believe you are a danger to yourself. And if you are, then the hospital is the safest place for you.
I have to dissagree with what you said at the beginning. If you cry out for help in social media, well that’s not the way to ask for help. Communications about very important subject should not ise social media as a channel. In social media the messeges are not clear.
I support the suicideawarness hashtags because the main purpose is to create awarness and spread it.
I have posted one, and friend whom I haven’t spoke. For many years liled and coppied the post, some even sent me private messeges. When you try to create awarenes every channel counts. The message does not say I am depressed and I need help so I dont suicide. My main goal is tocreate awarnes so noone have to go through what I went through with my father commiting suicide.
Hi Dorothy looks like this Copy& Paste has been around for a while-it makes me so cranky these copy & paste..if you cant phone someone to here their voice or talk face to face or even send card/flowers… Why bother…so i have used your own words to comment on friends posts plus lifeline/beyond blue numbers…( if you care enough to post a status update about suicide awareness, you should care enough to keep in touch with your friends who are at risk)… I’ve had no reply to your Wise words ..funny that…
P.S if it wasn’t for me staying in contact with my best friend of 40yrs she would be dead..(sometimes she forgets or doesn’t want to take meds)
A lot of people are just so busy with their own lives and the chaos of living that they barely have time for themselves let alone a depressed friend
I couldn’t agree more – this has been bugging me for a while.. depression requires pro-activity on the part of the friends/family of the depressed/suicidal..
Interesting post, and nice to read the comments to, while I agree the importance of being in touch with friends, i also feel that we must do everything we can to enable someone somewhere to get the message that they are not alone and there people and organisations who are willing to reach out…. thanks for sharing your personal story..
These conversations have increased my awareness and readiness to respond. Thank you.
whenever i read posts or blogs like this it always assumes people actually have friends. “your friends” people casually say as if its just a given. I am so tired of “awareness”. Domestic violence awareness, awareness for diseases and chronic illness, awareness for mental health, awareness of suicide. All it does it make me more “aware” that supposedly im meant to have these friends who are there and care and its bullshit. We need actions not awareness. I’ve survived all the above issues and more and not once has anyone actually been there or even reached out in the slightest. It just compounds the problem and its almost a form of social gaslighting. This caring doesn’t actually exist but go on facebook and its a land of happy make believe where people pretend they give a f.
I agree with you. My so called friends seem to abandon me when I need them most. They’re too scared to deal with my scary issues. It’s much easier to busy themselves with their families, rather than make themselves uncomfortable, go out of their way, go to any trouble for a friend in need. Or maybe it’s only when I’m that friend. Or maybe I just don’t have any true friends. It’s always been hard for me to make friends and the older I get, the harder it is. I don’t have any answers for you, I’m sorry. I wish there were better support systems in place for people like us. Better mental health supports funded by the government. But, I guess the truth is that in the end we’re truly on our own and we have to be our own best champions. What keeps me going is knowing that my kids need me and knowing that there are people who would be devastated if I did commit suicide and I don’t want to leave them with that kind of legacy. Maybe one day I’ll find a reason that is just for me. I hope you will too.