A blog of her own

Telling it like it is

  • Home
  • Start Here
  • About
  • Share your story
  • Hire Me
    • Speaking
  • Privacy
  • Contact

The burden of anger

13 June 2013 By Dorothy 10 Comments

"Always write angry letters to your enemies. Never mail them." ~ James Fallows
Wisdom doesn’t come at you in one big lump.  You don’t suddenly wake up one day and realise that you are wise.

Instead it comes to you in little glimpses. Little moments of clarity, insightful thoughts and realisations.

I am not wise.  But I have wisdom when it comes to some things.

I understand how important a close support network is when having children. Family on the other side of town or country, friends you go away with for weekends, are probably not very useful when  you are a brand new parent.  You need help right then and there and it needs to be calm, practical and unconditional.

I have wisdom about psychological abuse. I can spot it a mile away, with the smallest glimpse into somebody’s life.  It glares at me like a big bright beacon.  I could sail a ship by its light.

Sometimes I get glimpses into myself and I am surprised.  Surprised (not really) by the glut of anger I carry around with me.  Anger at my parents, at my sister, at my ex – mostly at my ex.  I can feel the weight of it on my soul, pulling me down when I want to lift myself up.  Anger at what’s been done to me. What I’d allowed to be done to me.  This anger sits on and in my shoulders, it twists my gut and stunts my breath.

Sometimes I have doubts about what really happened in my relationship and I start to second guess my own experiences.  I can see how my ex can appear to other people, how different a picture he can paint about what went down four years ago, what different a picture he can paint about himself.  And me.

I sometimes wonder what will happen if my children want to meet their father one day.  For a time, I will be able to say “No”, but what about when they get older?  Will he fool them the way he fooled me for eighteen years? Will they suddenly hate me based on his story?  How much are my feelings coloured by my anger?

When I start questioning my perceptions and memories, I remind myself that two counsellors and a GP, all told me that he was unsafe for us to be around.  That he was abusing me with words and actions.  That my anger was justified.

But is it still?  How can I let it go?  I know it’s not healthy to be carrying it around everywhere, like a big bag of coal.  Even less so because it’s inside me, eating away at my mental health, my self-belief.  It clouds my judgement at times, as I look at things through a cloud of red.  Yet I don’t know how to let go.

Forgiveness is a process, not an event, but when will it end?

Image by Abby Lane.


signature

If you liked this, share:

  • Print
  • Email
  • Tweet

Related

Previous Post Next Post

I've been blogging since 2008 and I do it because it keeps me sane.If I didn't blog, my head would explode. If you like your blogs sugar-coated and pretty looking then this is not for you. I write about life as a solo parent dealing with mental illness and recovering from long term emotional abuse. I live with two boy-children and three cats and I like wine. A lot.

Comments

  1. Caz Filmer says

    13 June 2013 at 8:25 pm

    That my friend is a very deep and beautifully written post.

    Reply
    • Dorothy says

      16 June 2013 at 4:23 pm

      Thanks, Caz.

      Reply
  2. she says says

    13 June 2013 at 8:45 pm

    How can I let it go?

    Make the choice. Heft it off your shoulder and put it down on the ground.

    And then get on with your life.

    Reply
    • Dorothy says

      16 June 2013 at 4:23 pm

      Sounds easy, yet I haven’t been able to yet. Maybe it will just take more time…

      Reply
  3. toushka says

    14 June 2013 at 11:25 am

    I don’t know the answers. But I know that anger is toxic if left unchecked. You are so right about wisdom and how it slowly dawns.

    Reply
  4. Trish says

    15 June 2013 at 9:04 pm

    I don’t know the answers either , I hope you can find peace in the knowledge you did the right thing with the knowledge you had at the time. Anger can be hard to shift, let alone when it is justified by abuse.

    Reply
  5. Kylie Gardner says

    16 June 2013 at 2:45 pm

    Your children may be wiser than you think, if they do want to meet him. They may have to learn the hard way, but they won’t see through the bull. And they have you.

    Reply
  6. Elephant's Child says

    22 November 2013 at 4:34 pm

    You are always hard on yourself. Very. When do you sit back and allow some pride in your accomplishments to sneak in. You did escape – no small achievements. You are working hard at bringing up your boys despite the lack of support, and your own lack of confidence.

    Reply
    • Elephant's Child says

      22 November 2013 at 4:35 pm

      And, finally, by being a ‘guest’ I can respond to your posts. Happy dances – and less email from me…

      Reply
      • Dorothy says

        22 November 2013 at 5:36 pm

        Woohoo! Glad I added that option 🙂

        Reply

I love comments! Cancel reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

About Me

I am a truth talker, opinion owner, feminist, solo parent, business owner and cat minion.

I write about whatever's in my head, because it's cheaper, and more effective, than therapy.

Support my blog

Become a Patron!

Join me on Facebook

Join me on Facebook

Follow me on Twitter

Follow me!

I use and recommend

Web Hosting

Most Popular

  • I hate being a mother - a five step rescue plan
    I hate being a mother - a five step rescue plan
  • Dorothy's Table: Polish pork rissoles
    Dorothy's Table: Polish pork rissoles
  • My kids make me anxious
    My kids make me anxious
  • The Seven Habits of Highly Sociopathic Husbands
    The Seven Habits of Highly Sociopathic Husbands
  • I hate being a mother
    I hate being a mother

My Instagram

Celebration cheesecake and selfies from the celebr Celebration cheesecake and selfies from the celebration dinner.

#celebration #newjob #cheesecake #selfie
This is what celebration looks like. Plus a chocol This is what celebration looks like. Plus a chocolate cheesecake, plus a dinner out. So good to finally have this weight off my shoulders.

In a few weeks, I will be finally working full time in Geelong and living close to the beach.

Cheers!
I am the mother of an 18 year old. It's been a har I am the mother of an 18 year old. It's been a hard slog, but we made it. Two celebrations this week, one complete with an autistic shutdown. Thank goodness for NDIS funding to help with the transition to adulthood.
Pav for a BBQ I'm going to in a bit. One day I mig Pav for a BBQ I'm going to in a bit. One day I might even make one from scratch like @cateppics
Sam and I went to see a couple of houses in Geelon Sam and I went to see a couple of houses in Geelong today and in between we visited Eastern Beach. It's like a little St Kilda, without the cake shops. Or at least we didn't find any.

This house hunting business is exhausting, when you have to travel so far. Three more trips next week. At least Sam is proving to be a fun companion.
Said goodbye to this old dear today. In our family Said goodbye to this old dear today. In our family since my older son was born. Drove him home from the hospital in it  pretty much straight from the showroom.

It stopped being reliable for me a while ago, due to lack of care, due to lack of money. Now off to another family and another life.
3 generations. Christmas 2020. 3 generations. Christmas 2020.
Two key ingredients for poppyseed strudel -a Polis Two key ingredients for poppyseed strudel -a Polish Christmas tradition. Poppyseed stuffing and the dough, ready to rise.

What are your must have Christmas foods?

Michael Buble is playing in the background.  Christmas how I like it.

#christmas #polishcooking #polishchristmas #makowiec #christmastraditions #christmasfood #polishchristmasfood
Follow on Instagram

More on…

  • ASD (7)
  • Blogging (44)
  • Children (43)
  • Domestic Violence (14)
  • Feminism (1)
  • Life (95)
  • Mental Health (167)
  • Recipe (2)
  • Reviews & Giveaways (17)
  • Sole Parenting (439)
  • Travel (10)
  • Uncategorized (18)

Subscribe via Email

Enter your email address to receive new posts in your inbox.

I learnt to run with…

Copyright 2020 A blog of her own. Designed by Dorothy K Consulting
loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.