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The Seven Habits of Highly Sociopathic Husbands

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I read Mrs Woog’s post today on The Seven Habits of Highly Irritating Husbands.  If you haven’t read it yet, go and do it now, you’ll probably laugh.

My immediate response to posts like these is “You think THAT’S irritating? THIS is irritating!” and proceed to list all the misdemeanors my ex committed.  I even started to write a comment on Mrs Woog’s post along these lines, but managed to stop myself, just in time, for once.

You see, I totally understand the spirit in which such posts are written and I remember being among the women who are privileged enough to talk about their partners like that.

What happened to me was highly unusual.  Not unheard of, but definitely out of the norm.  I hate that. I resent not being part of the “wife club”.

I was made a wife when I got married and am finding it incredibly difficult to accept that I am one no longer.  The process that obliterated my “wife” status does not seem complete.



For me, marriage is not just a piece of paper.  A piece of paper that can easily be reversed by another piece of paper.

The divorce process is about creating a piece of paper – with all the “i”s dotted and “t”s crossed.  It is cold and impersonal, transacted in dry legal language, not requiring either party to be present.  Yes, you become a “party”, even though the lawyers keep referring to you as husband and wife.  Until the hearing is over and you eventually receive your piece of paper in the mail.

Contrast this to the highly emotional process of marriage, where each word is chosen carefully and is pregnant with boundless meaning and possibility.  Marriage is conducted in public, witnessed by everyone who is important in your life and celebrated with joy.  At least mine was.

I need an “unmarriage” ceremony.  One that is charged with meaning, witnessed and mourned by everyone who matters.  One where I can scream and wail and utter words which will adequately express the anger, the disappointment and  the disgust I feel about the way I was treated.

To me, the end of my marriage has been, and continues to be, like a death.  It is made more so by the knowledge that everything I thought I had, every single experience, was a lie.  What I had might as well have not existed.  They only proof that it did, is the hatred I continue to feel towards the sociopath who bluffed me into loving him and the people he conspired with to keep me blind.

I will end how I meant to start, with:

The Seven Habits of Highly Sociopathic Husbands:

  • lying;
  • adultery;
  • exchanging pornographic emails with a fifteen year old girl;
  • causing the Federal Police to raid my home;
  • being jailed for a sex offence against a minor;
  • manipulating me into being his support person in the days before going to jail, while he was on suicide watch;
  • realising that the time I called the police to do a welfare check on him and they couldn’t reach him, he was actually with his girlfriend;
  • causing me to visit prisons for the first time in my life;
  • teaching my children how to lie;
  • convincing just about everyone around me that I was emotionally unstable and unable to care for my kids;
  • filing a report against me to Child Protection;
  • not giving a shit when I went missing for 24 hours;
  • telling me he wanted to makes things work the day before packing his belongings and his girlfriend’s belongings into a truck in preparation for a move to the country to live with his mother.
Oops!  That’s more than seven.  And that’s only the tip of the iceberg.
 
My suggestion is to NOT marry a sociopath.  If you feel that something isn’t right, it most likely isn’t.
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Comments

  1. Wow :-0 That's some full on list there. Your ex definitely sounds like he has antisocial personality disorder. I really feel for you. My ex has mental health issues and I can relate to some of your list (lying, unfaithfulness)-even that and dealing with his warped thinking, believing some of it was my fault for years has left scars-and my experience isn't even close to as full on as this. I hope you're getting some real life support to help you and your kids deal with the trauma his actions have brought upon your life? Love and strength to you.

    Reply

  3. Don't even know what to say…your world was truly turned upside down. The day the Federal police came to search your house must have been terrifying and you must have just been reeling as you lurched from one shock to another. I'm glad you are able to write about it now…sounds like you are stronger than you were.

    Reply

  4. Hi Dorothy, my ex was nowhere near the level of sociopath yours appears to be, however there are lots of similarities!
    – cheating on me for 3 years of our 4 year relationship with another woman who considered herself his 'girlfriend', and convincing her I was his 'flatmate' (we lived together).  He kept us apart but you guessed it, we eventually spoke.- Swiping my credit card from my wallet and sneaking out in the middle of the night to make withdrawals from ATM's using my pin number which he'd looked at over my shoulder.  He was caught out when I launched an investigation and they reviewed the CTV images.
    – – Being investigated for sexual assault against a numkber of his teenage students (he was a drama teacher).The prick went and took the ultimate escape – suicide – the week before his hearing for the sexual misconduct case.

    Reply

  6. I dunno, personally I would have rathered him face legal justice… now he gets to forever look like the innocent accused.   And I never got the confrontation I needed…. and now can't, ever.    I will never know the truth and it kills me.  Thank god for therapy 🙂

    Reply

  7. He, and all the others like him are oxygen thieves.  Shame that they mostly do continue to steal the oxygen which could be much better used by everyone else.  Hell, it could be better used by a brussel sprout.
    I like your idea of an unmarriage ceremony.  In the US I think it is you can buy divorce rings – plain gold bands with a break in them.  And yes, you  are bereft.  In some ways more so than by death.  Grieve anyway you can which works for you.

    Reply

  8. The sad thing is that even though my ex got the legal just desserts, in my eyes it was not enough. It will never be enough. And he continues to prey on others, whom he has brainwashed to believe that all the misdemeanours and crimes he committed were my fault. I drove him to it, apparently.

    Reply

  10. Oh gosh. I was so sorry to read this about your experience with your marriage. But its true…not all men are like him, only some of them. What is good is that you are no longer in that relationship where he is not telling you the truth.
    I think that there is a business that is set up to hold “Divorce Parties” where you can celebrate being free from a partner that is not healthy. What is amazing is your strength. You went through all that and you are still living. Celebrate your strength.

    Cheers
    Lisa

    Reply

  11. I have to admit that celebrating the divorce never really sat right with me. The piece of paper, the hearing wasn’t enough. Acknowledging the end of the marriage, the breaking of vows, the betrayals, that is what I think I need for healing. Since I am never going to get validation of the abuse from him, I need to acknowledge it for myself and I need to do it openly and truthfully.

    Reply

  14. 'So what exactly did he do?' Where exactly do you start in an experience like yours? I do believe that many people find that divorce ceremonies (not parties), can be healing. These are personal ceremonies where you mark the part these relationships have played in your life and how far you have come, and how you intend to live from now on.

    Reply

  15. My husband

    lying – he lies so well that there is no glimmer of guilt at all. Very good at only giving some information and not all info to construe the facts.

    cheating – we’ve been in a relationship for 7 years – married for 1.5 years. I believe he cheated on me. He’s always venemently denied it saying it is all in my head.

    downloading and constant viewing of pornography. The first time I caught him he told me he needed nurturing and it was soothing and he watched it because he felt unloved but promised never to do it again. He put shredder software on his computer and private browsed after that. I noticed there was software on his computer one day that reinstalled the files and I recovered all the porn files off his computer. He smashed his laptop with a sledge hammer and told me I got the wrong end of the stick, called me a monster of negativity and said it was all in my head.

    never standing up for me – apparently he doesn’t have to or feels the need to.

    photographing women’s bottoms on the streets – 29 videos were found on his phone when he got caught over a period of a month,

    causing the police to turn up at my work with a search warrant to raid my home – I wasn’t allowed to know what was going on because he didn’t want me to know. No one would tell me anything. Wife’s have no rights but they can invade your home and take all your stuff.

    going missing for three days after he was arrested and released – I called missing persons – when he was found he said he was trying to kill himself.

    coming home and telling me he didn’t see forward with our relationship because I was so ‘volatile’. He came back two days later and said he didn’t see a way forward but would still like to live in the house. I said was going to fight to save our marriage. It turned out he saw a divorce lawyer that day and had made a list to start a new life.

    being charged for a sex offence and registered on the sex offenders list which was also posted in the local paper the next day.

    Manipulating me into being his support person in the days before being charged and also afterwards.but wouldn’t let anyone tell me what was going on. All information goes through him. I found out in open court when he was charged that his lawyer said the reason he was photographing woman’s bottoms was he was having problems in his relationship and the only way I could cope was to ‘isolate him’. I isolated myself. I locked myself in my office and worked like a banshee for two months trying to pay debts off. I was banging my head on a brick wall with him and decided the best thing was not to invest any more emotional energy is trying to save our relationship. I was at the point of a nervous breakdown.

    Convincing just about everyone around me that I was emotionally unstable and a husband abuser – it was all my fault.

    Telling me he wanted to makes things work the day after he saw a divorce lawyer and wrote a list to start a new life.

    Reply

    • Oh, Grace, I am so sorry this has happened to you. There are monsters out there, truly, who disguise themselves so well with all these lies, that they probably start to believe them themselves. I hope you have the courage to leave this relationship if you haven’t already. Life is too short to spend it with someone like that. You are better than this, you deserve so much better than this. We all do. Big hugs and strength coming your way.

      Reply

  16. Hi Dorothy
    I have just come across your blog today after suspecting that my husband is sociopath! It is a shock and relieve at the same time. We have been together for 14 years and I have to say that I had my suspicions early, but wasn’t sure what was going on. Being an empath, I , for many years believe that it was me who needed to adjust and make the marriage work. I made many excuses for his behaviour and that was my way of learning boundaries (eventually), as he cleverly make it all my fault, I thought I needed to try harder or be more relaxed and not push it. Well, good on him I say now 🙂 He has made me look at all my shortcoming and I am very thankful for that. I was able to see what I needed to work on and eventually worked out what he is about. I have tried to leave many times, but he has always threaten me with all kind of things and I got scared and stayed in this toxic marriage. We have two children together. Are there any tips that you could point out please in a way of preparing to leave him for good?Thank you for sharing your story.

    Reply

    • Hi, I’m glad you found me and were able to use this post as a guide to your own situation. If your husband is making threats towards you, I would advise you to either contact the police or a local women’s shelter. Be very careful as statistics show that women are at a higher risk of violence during and after leaving their abusive relationship. You have to leave and I hope you find the courage to do so, for yours and your children’s sake, but plan it well and make sure you have somewhere safe to go to. Good luck!

      Reply

  17. I think ceremonies to mark the end of things are quite a good idea. They are a social way of presenting yourself in a new way that helps you and others make meaning of whatever the new status is.

    Reply

  18. I know you wrote this quite a while ago, but I came across it while look in for answers.
    Mine too put me in jail, the first time ever in my life.
    Also convinced everyone I was an unfit mother.
    He also took off with my kids while I was in jail, with his new gf, and drove across the country in the guise of getting them away from an unstable mother. And when I found them, he had neglected them which broke my heart.
    He’s a piece of work.
    Sounds like yours was too.
    Just relating to what you went through. Who knew these monsters were out there? Definitely not me, who didn’t know he was this way until all that went down.

    Reply

    • Mine didn’t put me in jail, but I did have to visit him there. I’m sorry yours did this to you. These men are dangerous and should be put away for life so that they don’t hurt others around them. Good luck in your recovery.

      Reply

  19. I haven’t even been married for a year and i feel like this was the worst decision of my life. I had been dating my now husband for a few years and then we broke up, then got back together and married. He has been cheating on me this whole time….how can someone lie and do those things with no remorse or guilt. how can someone then get mad because i am hurt and i dont let him sleep. how can he act like nothing happened and call me pet names. he is so manipulative, i never realized this until today. he always made me feel like it was my fault that our marriage wasnt working out. He would always say that he was tired of my jealousy and the fact that i couldn’t trust him and that he felt like i was just a dark cloud surrounding him. Meanwhile, he was cheating and lying the whole time. His mom defends him…..i feel bad for her, because he also hurts her, he lies to her non stop and she believes it of course. I wish i had never gotten married with this guy. Im still at a point where i feel like i love him because i do, i just want to heal and forget him. i dont want to have feelings for him anymore.

    Reply

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  4. […] abuse been physical, I could have laid charges, but even though the Family Violence Act recognises emotional abuse as family violence, it does not provide any recourse for victims of such to seek […]

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