I originally wrote and posted this in October last year, but was recently moved to revisit and update it in light of my new understanding of what is and what was.
The truth is that my ex-husband is a convicted sex offender, who’s done time in prison for conducting an inappropriate correspondence via email with the 15-year-old daughter of his best man, who initially asked him to help her with her homework.
The truth is that he lied to me about the true nature of his criminal charges and the content of the emails.
The truth is that what horrified me most was not the age of the girl, but the fact that he had been committing adultery. Not for the first time….
The truth is that he has been in a relationship with another woman (one I once thought my friend) since at least the time we separated, if not before.
The truth is that he denied said relationship, saying it did not go beyond an “accidental” kiss. He continued to deny the relationship up until the moment I confronted him and his girlfriend as they were packing a truck with their belongings prior to their move to the country to live with his mother.
The truth is that his mother has been friends with this woman for over a year – a fact all three of them continually denied when confronted with what I was told and saw with my own eyes.
The truth is that he is now living with his girlfriend and her small children and that his own children know this. The truth is (and he told me) that it never crossed his mind to consider how his children might feel about this arrangement.
The truth is that throughout the separation he kept indicating that he wanted to be back with us once the legal proceedings were finished, he wanted to rebuild our relationship. In fact, just after he lost his job and before he was sent to prison he began moving his belongings back into the family home so that we could begin rebuilding our lives.
The truth is that throughout our separation he made allegations to various people, including his girlfriend, and his mother, about my mental health and my inability to keep our children safe – a reason that he used with her to justify spending time with me and the boys. No wonder she calls me schizo-woman, spiteful and “a money grabbing whore”.
The truth is that he never had the courage to have an honest conversation with me about anything, including his unhappiness with the marriage, his cheating, and probably many other things I will never know about.
The truth is that I kept believing his lies. I wanted to believe in him. I wanted to believe that he was a good man. I wanted to believe in my judgement in choosing a husband and a father for my children.
The truth is that I was psychologically abused for the entirety of this relationship. It has taken me a long time to accept this. It has been incredibly hard to understand that I married someone who has a serious psychological disorder that cannot be cured.
The truth is that I’m a survivor of family violence. So are my children. It has been very painful to accept this. I thought I was smarter than this. I am sorry that my children have to grow up without a father, but it is better that they are safe. I won’t let anyone mess with their heads.
The truth is that I stopped trusting myself and made some bad choices.
Hopefully it’s not too late for us to recover and thrive.
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