There is no cure for heartbreak, betrayal and loss. No magic potion, no meditation, no simple exercise to oust those old feelings in one fell swoop. There are things I can do do alter my thought processes and stop myself from reliving the old hurts one by one, to stop myself from falling into the abyss of pain, but the pain will always be there.
The pain will be dulled by time and eventually it may even disappear, but until it does I need to learn to bypass those thoughts and feelings, to move on towards the sunny side of the street.
Like a child with a freshly lost tooth, I can’t stop myself form worrying at that raw space in my life. It was such a long period and such a harsh betrayal, by so many people, that sometimes its very magnitude takes my breath away.
I don’t think about it everyday. But it creeps its way into my thoughts in sneaky moments, as they roam around freely without a structure to focus on. It’s important for my mind to keep busy. To keep that stuff away. To keep myself from sinking into the abyss.
Every now and then, though, I need to face it, I need to let myself wallow in it, I need to feel.
A good cry every now and then releases the valve and then I can go on with only the odd painful thought worming its way into my consciousness.
It isn’t fair that the people that hurt me are going on with their lives. It isn’t fair that they have been granted constant opportunities to start again. It isn’t fair that they get to experience what I never will. It isn’t fair that I parent two boys alone, or that I bear the financial burden alone.
It isn’t fair that karma hasn’t brought them the GREAT, BIG BAD, that they deserve.
It may be, that, in my mind, no GREAT BIG BAD would ever be great enough or bad enough for my sense of injustice to be righted.
I need to focus on all the ways that my life is better now. My independence and self-sufficiency. Not having to rely on anyone else for my happiness, not needing to balance different parenting outlooks, not exposing my children to parental conflict.
Things are so much better now. In a way.
In other ways, they are shit and there is no hiding that, or dressing it up in pretty words. I just have to deal with it. Every day.