I woke up feeling stronger than yesterday, despite a sore head and an even sorer throat. But as the day progressed my mood took a dive and then three seemingly little things each left me in tears.
First I tried to change the burnt out globe in a down light in the family room – something my husband usually did. I tried several times and could not figure out how to get the damn thing out. So I gave up and walked away in tears. Well, almost; Sam looked at me just as I was about to start crying and asked me something, so I ended up dealing with his “problem” – something I could fix – rather then dwelling on the light.
Then after Ben got home from school, the boys were playing quietly, surprisingly enough, when Sam came to find me talking about “fixing” his Transformer. So I tried, for a good half hour, to turn the bloody robot into the damn truck and couldn’t figure it out. I told him I couldn’t do it and walked away. Ben said something like, “Only Daddy can do it and he’s not around. Daddy’s stupid because he keeps upsetting mummy.” I was crying by that stage and took myself away to calm down.
The third trivial incident occurred on the way home from swimming and dinner at Macca’s. Both kids took their unfinished drinks and fries with them, something they normally do, when suddenly I hear a giant splash from the back seat! Of course, Sam, his seat, the carpet are all covered in “fruit fizz” and I just lost it. Pulled over to mop up the mess with tissues, yelled at them both, took all the cups and boxes away from them and then drove off. As I did, I sobbed uncontrollably and told the kids I was going to give them away to some other family, specifically my husband’s “special” friend, so they could “muck up her car and her house” for a change. Driving along, I briefly considered taking myself and them to Emergency and telling them that I was afraid for their and my safety, but the practical side told me I would just end up waiting for hours without any real help.
I calmed down after a few minutes and all was silent in the back seat. Sam fell asleep after a while and Ben was too smart to make a sound. We got home and after another major tantrum from Sam, had a bath and eventually I got them both to bed. I did apologise for yelling at them and also told them that from now on any food they don’t finish at McDonalds will be left behind, and that I didn’t appreciate my car being made a mess of by them.
Now they’re both refusing to fall asleep and it’s nearly nine pm. I guess I’m paying the price for not keeping my cool today.
I still feel so betrayed and angry at his actions. Whenever I find myself dwelling on them, I do try to move my thoughts onto something else. I guess the problem is that there really isn’t much else to think about. So I look at and think about the trees, or the garden, or the kids. Inevitably however it all comes back to the terrible emptiness in my life. Everything that we used to share is now mine alone to deal with and do and apreciate. The loneliness, or rather his absence, together with the knowledge of the lies he told me for so long while I endured the loneliness, hurts so much.
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