Yesterday tomorrow came.
Not the one I planned and worked for and dreamed.
It was the nightmare at the edge of my consciousness.
It slithered over me – black and suffocating.
I spinned into madness and grief. I doubted my existence, my sanity.
Hatred welled and spilled out of me.
I longed for oblivion.
I ceased to exist, yet my body breathed.
My blood flowed and my heart continued beating.
It was a tomorrow not of my choosing,
Nor of my making –
But I had feared it and made it so.
It was made from others’ ignorance and stupidity.
Their lack of courage and self-awereness.
Their refusal to ask for help in fighting their demons.
It was made from my need for peace and harmony,
So I let them be.
I hoped their battles would not spill into my dream.
But their battles ceased to be private.
They destroyed my life. My future and my past.
They exposed the lies and revealed betrayals.
Nothing, it seemed, had been real. Not even the dream.
So they watched over me, allowing me a respite of untroubled sleep.
A respite from grief, hatred and despair.
They sheltered me from the world.
When I woke up they were gone.
I was alone under the sheoak sky.
I was safe. And yet I hurt.
I watched the blood pooling on my wrist,
Dripping to the white towel below.
I watched the souls weaving and spinning all around me.
Just out of reach.
I wanted to join them in their dance.
To be free.
To not feel pain.
They wouldn’t let me, they pushed me away.
The blood didn’t flow fast enough.
I wasn’t even clever enough to die.
I had failed at everything, even death.
How do I live, when everything hurts?
There is no respite.
There is just me
And the pain,
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