It’s curious to see yourself and your story reflected in another person’s eyes. Especially when you tell them the facts, nothing but the facts, stripped of all the emotion that is so ingrained in you that you don’t even realise it’s there.
You watch their eyes and face and see the horror and disbelief you felt all that time ago and still do at times, when you let yourself feel anything.
You’ve become so disassociated from all that pain, that it’s quite a shock to see it reflected back at you, especially when you tell them just the facts.
Then there are others, those that have “been” there all this time, but have never truly understood, or perhaps have become as desensitised as you have to the story, those that think that you should “get over it” and are so sick of your “moaning” that it makes them incapable of feeling any sympathy, yet alone empathy for you.
Even though your skin is thick and you are used to dealing with the facts, a lot of the time the emotions are there, just under the surface, almost unnoticed. Until something, anything, triggers them and brings them up to the surface with such force that you are shocked by their intensity.
And they bring you to your knees, they try to force their way out through your mouth, but you know there are children and so there is just this silent scream, that somehow is better than nothing. Sometimes there are tears and physical force and furniture is kicked, your skull punched and banged against the wall and you are your own worst enemy.
And then it’s over.
Where did this come from???
I was fine!! I was fine!!
Why this?? I don’t want this!! I want to feel fine. I want to feel happy and content and joyful, but there is this pain, this lack of joy – I don’t want this!!!
Go back!! Go back to where you were hiding, you are not helping me. I need to get on with my life!
“They” say that you need to acknowledge your emotions, “honour” them, before you can heal. I don’t know who “they” are, but I know I don’t fucking like it!!
All this emotional crap is so bloody painful…
I WANT to be happy!
I WANT to be free of this!
Can’t you see???
I don’t want to “wallow”. I don’t know how to get free. Do you?
I’m feeding myself healthy food, except for the chocolate. I went for a walk. I took myself out to lunch.
“Be gentle to yourself”, “they” say.
What DO they mean?
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