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Would you, could you, know it, if you saw it?

3 May 2012 By Dorothy 12 Comments

The Cycle of Domestic Violence

Several people told me. I didn’t believe them.  All the definitions and behaviours I read about just did not fit in.

“Violent” would have been the last word to describe my ex.

Except, as I wrote before, violence is not always physical.

I saw a version of this diagram in a support group:

Cycle of violenceWhen we were asked to fill in the behaviours each of us witnessed, taking away the assumption that the violence had to be physical, I came up with this:

My abuse cycle

That’s when it really hit me.  I cried.

I wished I could have seen the cycle I was in, years ago.  I was so blinded by the need to be with someone, to be loved, that I just lived with it and accepted it as a “normal” part of my life.  I became numb to the abuse.

You should never become numb to the abuse.

You are important and valuable.

No-one has the right to ridicule you, blame you, or diminish you in any way just for being who you are.  We can talk about our behaviours, we can talk about responsibilities, expectations and money, when we are in a relationship of any kind.

If you cannot talk about it and you feel bad when you’re around the person who “loves” you, then, it is my humble opinion, that you are caught in the cycle.

Are you?


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I've been blogging since 2008 and I do it because it keeps me sane.If I didn't blog, my head would explode. If you like your blogs sugar-coated and pretty looking then this is not for you. I write about life as a solo parent dealing with mental illness and recovering from long term emotional abuse. I live with two boy-children and three cats and I like wine. A lot.

Comments

  1. Bronnie says

    3 May 2012 at 2:50 am

    This is such a great post Dorothy. Not a great subject. But a great post and an important one. Thank you. I love the way you've personalised the cycle too, to something more of us can relate to.

    Reply
  2. Dorothy @ Singular Insanity says

    3 May 2012 at 3:09 am

    Thanks, Bronnie. I hope it helps others see what may already be there without them knowing…

    Reply
  3. Maria Tedeschi says

    3 May 2012 at 3:24 am

    My dad was emotionally and verbally abusive to my mum and us.  Everything was our fault and would belittle us for the most random things like the colour of a t-shirt.

    I'm glad you broke out of that cycle Dorothy.

    Love & stuff
    Mrs M

    Reply
  4. Carmen J says

    3 May 2012 at 8:25 am

    I have had to be the voice and strength to point this out way too often to friends… it's a very sad reality that people can't recognise it but I also understand how that happens… I've been there. 
    We need to talk about it and make sure it's out there… and not taboo!  Strength and faith to you Dorothy and any of your readers who've known this path. xxXOoo

    Reply
  5. Elephant's Child says

    3 May 2012 at 10:12 am

     I wish that someone could have pointed out to you that you were stuck in this loop.  It is part of the cycle that you learn to distrust yourself.  Awful, awful, awful.  And domestic violence is, in my opinion, the wrong phrase.  The emotional abuse is perhaps more insidious and causes as much, if not more, damage.
    I am so glad you are free of it, and so impressed that you are reaching out to help others.

    Reply
  6. Rusty Hoe says

    3 May 2012 at 11:46 am

    A powerful post Dorothy. That one picture of your cycle will reach a lot of people. I'm so glad you got out and grateful that you could share this. My sister was in an abusive relationship for a long time and I wish she could have seen something like this to make her realise that that was what she was experiencing. We need to take it out of shadows and talk openly about it. Thank you for doing just that 🙂

    Reply
  7. Deb_BrightandPrecious says

    3 May 2012 at 12:53 pm

    I wish I could have shown this post to my a good friend 15 years ago. Very well explained Dorothy. That diagram is brilliant. I am so glad you have come so far from that cycle. 

    Reply
  8. [email protected] says

    1 June 2012 at 12:31 pm

    My parents were abusive to me and each other then I got into a doozy of an abusive relationship b4 I met my husband. You cant see it when you're in it, and you become numb because the abuser has fucked with your mind so much you can no longer tell what is reality in the relationship and what isn't. The constantly shifting sands, inconsistency and the return to a loving (or calm) environment is the same kind of treatment that is given as torture, to break people.

    This stuff needs to be taught in schools.

    Reply
  9. Rebecca Thompson says

    14 September 2012 at 6:36 am

    You are so lucky to be out of that cycle. I hope you sharing this raw and powerful story will assist others to acknowledge that they are in one too and get out.

    Reply
  10. Jackie Katsianas says

    14 September 2012 at 7:42 am

    That's a pretty powerful post – the personalised cycle especially would speak to people I think.
    Kudos to you for recognising this and getting out – along with how hard and horrible that must have been.

    Found via Dr Bron's linky.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Walk away from abuse. It's not OK. | Singular Insanity says:
    26 November 2012 at 1:32 pm

    […] won’t see it, you won’t know it, unless you are trained to or have experienced it.  And I’m not just talking about […]

    Reply
  2. Is Traditional Marriage Broken? says:
    5 February 2014 at 10:20 am

    […] doesn’t surprise me to see huge numbers of women in emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships. Many don’t even know it. I didn’t know I was in one until several people pointed it out to me […]

    Reply

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