Ok, so this time I can’t blame it on lack of sleep. Or on some major upheaval like a house move, a new job, or having your house raided by the Federal Police. I just feel crap…!
I hate “doing it alone”. This is not what I signed up for!
Yes, I get breaks. I “get to go to work” and my parents look after my kids overnight every other weekend. And I go to yoga once a week. But this means that I go from one extreme to the other – no kids, or full on kids! When there are two parents in the family, generally the attention is not so intensely focused on the one parent, not all the time – at least it wasn’t in my experience. Once the other parent is available there is a dissipation in tension, in pressure. You know you have someone to talk to about your kids. Someone who cares about them as much as you do, someone to share the problem solving and decision making with. Someone you can share the responsibility with. Someone to take the kids’ focus away from you, even if only for a few minutes.
Yes, I know, it doesn’t always work like that – even in two parent families, there is often an unequal division of, not only workload, but responsibility and care factor as well. But, psychologically, it seems to me, being a single parent places an unfair and, what often feels like, an unmanageable burden on that parent. This is only my opinion. This is what it feels like to me. I feel like I am going to explode/implode/break a lot of the time. I am so scared…. Of the responsibility, of the loneliness, of the future. It seems so bleak. There is so little to look forward to. Just more of the same, but harder and harder, as the kids get older and I get more broken and tired. I’m scared that they will eventually stop listening to me altogether, as even now getting them to follow the family rules is so hard…
Yes, I’m getting counselling. Yes, I’m doing all the right things… I am just so over it. I want to run away to a deserted island with no possibility of return. There is noone here to help. The help I was getting is dwindling away. Am I really that unlikeable? Or do people think that just because time has passed, everything is OK? Doesn’t anyone else need/want to spend time with friends? Why can’t that be me? Because they’re uncomfortable around a single mother who’s had such a crappy two years?
Yes, I know – major self-pity party here. But I’m not asking you to vote for me, just to listen. Maybe say something nice. That is all…
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